Jesus Joins Twitter, Only Has 12 Followers

As I sat at 2:26 a.m. waiting for people to count ballots on the east coast, my mind wandered. Maybe it was sleep deprivation, but I realized how tired I am of the media, in their arrogance and ignorance, and how crooked they are. Then I wondered how today's media might cover stories from the Bible to shape a political message. More to come, but here are a few:

•  Illnesses blamed on Messiah for providing gluten-filled bread
• Flood lasting 40 days, 40 nights caused by global warming
• God creates woman; doesn’t provide equal access to man’s bathroom
• Creator of the universe punishes man, woman in garden for being vegetarian
• Coat of many colors likely made from Pride flag
• Neglected juvenile uses slingshot to stone overweight man

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 Donald Trump’s childhood home is for sale. It has five bedrooms, five bathrooms, and


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Update from Third Grade

 "Daddy, I have two things to tell you about today. First, Cameron Elling won the spelling bee. Second, two kindergartners threw up."

This has been your update from third grade.

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