Doug Johnson Comedy: 2012

Thursday, September 06, 2012

The Least You Should Know (9/6)

Fiat is releasing a new line of cars that has a built-in espresso machine. It’s so the driver will have a nice drink to offer the mechanic.

The Least You Should Know (9/5)

The U.S. is in its worst drought in 50 years. It’s been so dry the Justice Department is being accused of illegally giving water guns to Mexican drug cartels.

The Reprieve of Bob Horner

I’ve been away from the blog for a month. Not a lot of funny rolling off my fingertips since Dad died August 1st. That’s okay, other than the fact that people pay me to write funny things. So, September is here, and ready or not I’m back staring at the blank screen. While I should be constructing sentences about Clint Eastwood’s empty chair hiding back stage when Chris Christie was speaking at the RNC, a story came to mind that captures the humor, patience, and compassion of my father.

As a kid I loved to take my baseball mitt and bounce a tennis ball off our carport wall. Baseball fans in Moab, Utah, in the 80s had only one option when it came to watching the pros on TV – the Atlanta Braves on TBS (although the rich kids also got WGN and the Cubs). The Braves had a third baseman named Bob Horner that I would mimic. I would throw the ball off the wall at an angle, so I had to make a diving stop on the grass, spring to my feet, and throw the ball back to the wall as if I were throwing across the diamond to first (caught of course, by Braves first baseman Chris Chambliss). That was the routine for a few years, sometimes for hours after school.

One day when I was 10 years old Bob and I went to the carport to make our dazzling plays for the day. After one dive, I jumped to my feet and the ball slipped just as I threw. Instead of a belt-high toss to Chambliss, the errant throw hit the umpire, which in this case was being played by a storm door. Glass. Everywhere.

I called dad at his office in the middle school where he was principal, and our conversation started in a manner familiar to us both. “Dad, if I tell you something will you promise not to get mad?” The reply was always the same. “Yes, I promise.”

He knew nothing about the game I played after school. So I had to set up the scenario, and retold the story of the dive and the throw that broke the glass out of the door. He didn’t immediately comment. I heard him take a deep breath as if to speak, but then he paused for another 15 minutes. Or maybe it was about 10 seconds. Regardless, a response finally came.

“Well?”

“Well what?” I asked.

“Well did you get him out?”

The Least You Should Know (8/15)

Octomom Nadya Suleman has signed a record deal and has already cut a song. Her stage name is the Notorious OMG.

The Least You Should Know (8/1)

The drone aircraft industry issued a code of conduct to address privacy issues. It's easy to understand, especially the foreword by George Orwell.

The Least You Should Know (7/30)

There's still speculation why Andy Griffith was buried 4 hours after he died. It all happened so soon a TMZ reporter almost left his camera in the casket.

The Least You Should Know (7/11)

Politicians from both parties want pro boxing to be regulated by the government. It’s corrupt and often rigged for a specific outcome, and boxing is the same way.

Dora the Exploder

The Least You Should Know (7/9)

Arizona police arrested a woman after she allegedly stabbed her husband over a quiz in Cosmopolitan magazine. He said it hurt, but at least it got him out of having to take a Cosmo quiz with his wife.

The Least You Should Know (7/3)

A woman riding a New York subway had to drop her pants in front of everybody when a rat ran up her trouser leg. The rat needed a place to hide; Mayor Bloomberg just saw it drinking from a 32 ounce Big Gulp cup.

The Least You Should Know (7/2)

The NFL is training replacement referees because of a labor dispute with the regular refs. It’s convenient because the replacement refs won’t have to change clothes before returning to work at Foot Locker.

The Least You Should Know (6/29)

The Wall Street Journal reports that Facebook might give access to younger children. It’s about time; we can finally see when an embryo updates its status to a fetus.

The Least You Should Know (6/28)

A West Virginia preacher who believed in handling snakes to prove faith in God died after being bitten by a rattler. Some believe he was insane, but nobody ever reached in the collection plate to make change.

The Least You Should Know (6/26)

Unabomber Ted Kaczynski submitted an update to the Harvard alumni newsletter, listing his occupation as “prisoner”. That makes sense, because he was voted Most Likely to be a Politician.

The Least You Should Know (6/25)

Facebook is being sued by a group of investors for not disclosing more details about the IPO. It’s the first time Facebook has ever been accused of not giving out enough information.

The Least You Should Know (6/15)

Archaeologists found Mayan calendars in Guatemala that extend years beyond 2012. They show the completed schedule for this year’s NBA playoffs.

The Least You Should Know (6/14)

Sarah Palin fans are asking Mitt Romney to name her as his vice president running mate. The two have a lot in common; they’ve both had animals strapped to their vehicles.

The Least You Should Know (6/13)

In California, a horse that got spooked ran into the ocean and swam nearly 3 miles. The horse is okay, but the jockey is ticked.

The Least You Should Know (6/12)

Careercast.com released a list of the worst jobs in America. The worst job is being a lumberjack. The second worst? Being a masseur for John Travolta.

The Least You Should Know (6/11)

There’s an eco-friendly bed and breakfast in England that has a bike-powered TV. So that means when guests want to catch up on the news, they read a newspaper.

The Least You Should Know (6/8)

A 39-pound cat in New Mexico died. It had a respiratory illness, presumably from being exposed to the litter box of a 39-pound cat.

The Least You Should Know (6/7)

The first health resort for stressed out toddlers opened in Germany. What do you name a German resort for toddlers? Mein!

The Least You Should Know (6/6)

The city of Dubai is building a luxury hotel where the rooms are under water. When people look out their windows they can see marine life, and U.S. homes.

The Least You Should Know (6/5)

Documents from Osama bin Laden’s compound reveal that al Queda planned to hijack cruise ships. The terrorists thought they would get 72 virgin daiquiris.

The Least You Should Know (6/4)

A treasure hunter claims he’s located Osama bin Laden’s body. That Facebook organ donator function is amazing.

The Least You Shoud Know (5/25)

Tax records show that President Obama’s household income dropped about a million dollars last year. All that golfing is paying off; he’s becoming more like Tiger Woods.

The Least You Should Know (5/24)

Twitter exploded with death threats after George Zimmerman was released on bail. He’s the most hated person in Florida and nobody knows where he is, which makes it hard for Casey Anthony to send him flowers.

The Least You Should Know (5/23)

An Olive Garden in Indiana accidentally served a rum cocktail to a 10 year old boy. His parents knew something was wrong when he drank about half of it and started calling his ex-girlfriends.

The Least You Should Know (5/22)

Mel Gibson was recorded in another rant. It’s getting old; from now on the Motion Picture Association is requiring his movies to have a warning for viewers who are allergic to nuts.

The Least You Should Know (5/21)

Stores are doing away with self-checkout lanes. People are always complaining; younger customers don’t understand why the lines are so slow and older customers don’t understand where on the kiosk they check their email.

The Least You Should Know (5/18)

Snoop Dogg and Dr. Dre may take the hologram of Tupac they used at the Coachella Music Festival on their tour. In case of a confrontation with East Coast rappers, Tupac will travel with an entourage of surge protectors.

The Least You Should Know (5/17)

The GOP voted down President Obama’s “Buffett Rule” that would tax the wealthy at a higher rate. Not all Americans understand what the vote was about; half the country thinks striking down the Buffett Rule means you don’t have to get a clean plate with each trip to get more wings.

The Least You Should Know (5/16)

New York police arrested a man who tried to rob a bank with a toilet plunger. There was nothing unusual; he walked in and started yelling obscenities, like everybody does when they’re using a plunger.

The Least You Should Know (5/15)

Next season the NFL will require unruly fans that are kicked out of a stadium to complete a behavior class. The league is tired of people getting drunk and taking off their clothes; it’s a football game, not the Secret Service.

The Least You Should Know (5/14)

In Louisiana, an alligator bit a guest at a Super 8 motel. It’s a reminder of how dangerous it is to take the last donut from the continental breakfast bar.

The Least You Should Know (5/11)

A New Jersey man has invented what he calls the world's most annoying alarm clock. It requires a series of steps to make it go quiet; it’s like a Joe Biden speech.

The Least You Should Know (5/10)

The Obama campaign is reportedly directing their election year message to working women. That’s different than the John Edwards presidential run, when he apparently showed his support for working girls.

The Least You Should Know (5/9)

A study says that dogs at work reduce stress and create greater job satisfaction. Unless you’re a mailman.

The Least You Should Know (5/8)

A shortage in vanilla is expected to drive up the price. This summer the most valuable asset in the world will be an ice cream truck with a full tank of gas.

The Least You Should Know (5/7)

A pair of Marilyn Monroe’s underwear sold at auction for $45,000. It’s a bold move to buy the underwear of a person credited with something called The Seven Year Itch.

The Least You Should Know (5/4)

Wells Fargo opened a new bank that serves people with $50 million in assets. A lot of thought went into it; they installed bleachers outside to accommodate the Occupy Wall-Street protesters.

The Least You Should Know (5/2)

U.S. forces captured Taliban members who were hiding in women’s clothes. Some terrorists get caught in a cave; these guys got caught in a Dress Barn.

The Least You Should Know (5/1)

Spike Lee apologized to an elderly couple for mistakenly tweeting their address as being that of the guy that shot Trayvon Martin. The movie director has made a lot of enemies; there’s nothing more embarrassing for an angry mob than having to stop at a convenience store to get directions.

The Least You Should Know (4/30)

Newt Gingrich said he’ll stay in the race and go all the way to the Republican Convention in Tampa, assuming he has enough gas money to get there.

The Least You Should Know (4/27)

A new study suggests that the more alcohol a person consumes the more politically conservative they become. That’s why it scares conservatives that Mitt Romney doesn’t drink.

The Least You Should Know (4/26)

U.S. Intelligence said that future wars will be fought over water instead of oil. That’s not good; North Korea is already bragging that they're close to developing a water bomb.

The Least You Should Know (4/25)

Hasbro recently celebrated the 60th anniversary of Mr. Potato Head. It brings out the bully in a lot young people; for 6 decades kids have been threatening to rearrange his face.

The Least You Should Know (4/24)

A 5-year-old Kentucky girl is in trouble for allegedly smuggling Tums onto the school bus and sharing them with friends. Officials say she has all the signs of a pusher – strong bones, healthy teeth…

The Least You Should Know (4/13)

The Washington Post reported that Osama bin Laden had plotted to assassinate President Obama. Fortunately, he couldn’t afford the green fees.

The Least You Should Know (4/12)

The TSA at Chicago’s O’Hare Airport is being criticized for patting down and swabbing a 3-year-old in a wheel chair. They should get back to doing the job they were hired to do -- harassing 95-year-old grandmas.

The Least You Should Know (4/11)

The Congressional Budget Office estimates that President Obama’s new healthcare law will cost twice as much as originally thought. They shouldn’t have included the part where each American gets a free tank of gas.

The Least You Should Know (4/10)

After 244 years, the Encyclopedia Britannica is going out of print. To find all the answers in life these days people are turning to the web, or talk radio.

The Least You Should Know (4/6)

McDonald’s took fries off their $1.00 menu. A lot of people are seriously upset, and those people are owners of big and tall clothing stores.

The Least You Should Know (4/5)

The newest piece at the L.A. County Museum of Art is a 340-ton rock. It arrived on a 196-wheeled transporter, which then left to take a copy of the U.S. tax code to the I.R.S.

The Least You Should Know (4/4)

Some economists fear that rising inflation in the U.S. may increase violence. There would even be an increase in drive-by shootings, but nobody can afford the gas.

The Least You Should Know (4/3)

General Motors suspended production of the Chevy Volt because of low sales. And lack of firefighters.

The Least You Should Know (4/2

Mike Tyson will do a one-man comedy show in Las Vegas this month. Sometimes it’s hard for former athletes to transition into comedy. But O.J. Simpson did, and he killed.

The Least You Should Know (3/16)

The government wants automakers to install devices that disable phones. Modern vehicles already have a device that disables phones; it’s called an airbag.

The Least You Should Know (3/15)

There is an increase in exercise facilities being built within airports across the country. After a hard workout, travelers can then get a deep tissue massage by a TSA agent

The Least You Should Know (3/13)

Some believe Iran can greatly expand uranium enrichment in order to make nuclear warheads. And they move faster every time they hear an American make a pun using Jeremy Lin’s name.

The Least You Should Know (3/12)

Experts say medical breakthroughs could enable the latest generation to live to be 150 years old. That’s why doctors think it’s okay for you to sit so long in the waiting room.

The Least You Should Know (3/9)

The L.A. Times reports that 66 percent of the population suffers from nomophobia, which is the fear of being without a cell phone. Fortunately, there’s an app for that.

The Least You Should Know (3/8)

Iran still claims they’re developing nuclear energy for peaceful purposes. They also say that their president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad isn’t a mad man; he’s just suffering from Linsanity.

The Least You Should Know (3/7)

A British dog food manufacturer has a TV commercial that features high-pitched sounds and barks that only dogs can hear. It's the canine version of Flo the Progressive Insurance lady.

The Least You Should Know (3/6)

MySpace announced the addition of 1 million new users since December. With the sudden surge it brings their total users to 1 million and ten.

The Least You Should Know (3/5

The Patriots Chad Ochocinco will resume using his birth name, Chad Johnson. It’s a smart move; all wide receivers on the team should change identities so Tom Brady’s wife can’t find them.

The Least You Should Know (3/2)

Bookings for vacations on cruise ships are down. It could be because of the Costa Concordia disaster, or it could be because travelers don’t have any money; either way, nobody likes tipping.

The Least You Should Know (3/1)

There’s a new app called Crime Push that allows people to report crimes to police. An app similar to it comes standard on all phones; it’s called a phone.

The Least You Should Know (2/29)

A Seattle woman married a building. She’s excited, but the groom thinks he’s settling.

The Least You Should Know (2/28)

A survey finds that 75 percent of people text, email, and surf the internet on the toilet. After hearing the report Siri turned in her resignation letter.

The Least You Should Know (2/24)

Pfizer said some of their birth control pills may not prevent pregnancy. They had to recall 1 million packets, and that was just from the Duggar’s house.

The Least You Should Know (2/23)

A Seattle woman married a building to protest its demolition. She’s already complaining that her husband just sits around all day.

The Least You Should Know (2/22)

Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Matt Cassel pounded on his neighbor’s door to let her know her house was on fire. He expressed relief that nobody was injured, and then the NFL fined him for an excessive celebration.

The Least You Should Know (2/21)

In 2013 a foldable electric car will début in Europe. Americans are excited to have them here; they’ll make a nice snack for our SUVs.

The Least You Should Know (2/20)

A mouse was dispensed from an ATM in Sweden when a man was getting cash. The mouse was sick, and appeared to be going through withdrawals.

The Least You Should Know (2/17)

North Korea has re-opened its borders for tourism. It doesn’t seem like an appealing vacation destination, unless you’re booked on an Italian cruise.

The Least You Should Know (2/16)

Half of all U.S. employers say they can’t find qualified workers. It’s a limited choice; Americans usually have to go with whoever is on the ballot.

The Least You Should Know (2/15)

Cleveland Indians pitcher Fausto Carmona was arrested for using a fake identity to sign his contract. His real name is Roberto Hernandez Heredia; he’s the ultimate player to be named later.

The Least You Should Know (2/14)

Several countries are joining to draw up an international code of conduct for space. Apparently astronauts at the International Space Station are getting carried away with Burger King’s home delivery.

The Least You Should Know (2/13)

A woman in Washington gave birth while she was stuck in an elevator. Like every other human being who rides an elevator, the baby apparently didn’t have anything to say.

The Least You Should Know (2/10)

Talk show host Wendy Williams started a Save the Twinkies campaign. It’s either to help the bankrupt company that makes Twinkies, or to help re-elect the current Congress.

The Least You Should Know (2/9)

Video has surfaced of Angelina Jolie in 6th grade singing karaoke. It was a Frank Sinatra song, but she adopted it as her own.

The Least You Should Know (2/8)

Samsung has a new voice-controlled TV. It’s perfect for those with physical limitations, such as an injured thumb.

The Least You Should Know (2/7)

It’s estimated that Facebook will have its 1 billionth user in August. That’s assuming unemployment goes down and more people will be at work.

The Least You Should Know (2/6)

Lindsay Lohan owes $94,000 in unpaid federal taxes. She doesn’t understand finances; when told she had a lien she thought a heel on her shoe has broken.

The Least You Should Know (2/3)

McDonald’s restaurants in Australia are spraying robbers with a traceable DNA liquid as they attempt to flee. The other option is to just give the robbers free food so they can’t run as fast.

The Least You Should Know (2/2)

Jersey Shore’s season debut audience dropped 14 percent compared to last year’s. Viewers are watching shows that are more intellectually stimulating, like Beavis and Butt-head.

The Least You Should Know (2/1)

A Wisconsin man got arrested for taking a new car on a 150-mile test drive. Later he said he didn’t want it any way because he wants something with lower miles.

The Least You Should Know (1/31)

Iran has reportedly started military war exercises. They’re obviously not pleased that someone in the U.S. cancelled the Martha Stewart Show.

The Least You Should Know (1/30)

The massive disappearance of honeybees could be due to a parasitic fly. Bees pollinate plants and make it possible for us to have vegetables, so if bees continue to die it could affect literally dozens of Americans.

The Least You Should Know (1/27)

Observers question how much influence new leader Kim Jong Un has in North Korea. His first step is to persuade the military generals to let him stay up past 10:00 on school nights.

The Least You Should Know (1/26)

Dude ranches in Colorado are adding stronger horses with larger saddles to handle overweight riders. When people are about to get in the saddle it’s the horse that yells “Whoaaaa!”

The Least You Should Know (1/25)

Iran threatened the U.S. if an aircraft carrier returns to the Gulf. They said they’re not in the habit of making threats more than once, so apparently nobody in Iran is the parent of a toddler.

The Least You Should Know (1/24)

The TSA got additional funding to expand its reach. Soon they will provide safety screenings to other areas like trains, cruises, and the Penn State locker room.

The Least You Should Know (1/23)

China plans to send a manned flight to the moon during the coming decade. If people thought the U.S. lunar landing was fake, imagine what the people who make our TVs can pull off.

The Least You Should Know (1/20)

A study finds that Americans don’t use all of their vacation days. Republicans say that proves President Obama is not an American.

The Least You Should Know (1/19)

Widespread obesity forced the U.S. Coast Guard to lower the number of people allowed on ferries. Water travel is scary; some passengers fear they’ll run into icebergs, others fear they’ll run into iceberg lettuce.

The Least You Should Know (1/18)

Lingerie model Marisa Miller said she keeps her body in shape by eating naked. It’s how she stays aware of what she’s eating; it's also how she gets invited to a lot of potluck dinners.

The Least You Should Know (1/17)

Shaquille O’Neal might try pro wrestling now that he’s done with the NBA. It’s a display of theatrical performance with a pre-determined outcome, and so is pro wrestling.

The Least You Should Know (1/16)

The DEA raided a Florida car dealership that has ties to a terrorist group. Wow, Car Fax really digs deep.

The Least You Should Know (1/13)

North Korea’s new 27-year-old leader is a big basketball. Now that he has access to a nuclear weapon let’s hope his March Madness bracket works out.

The Least You Should Know (1/12)

The U.S. and the Taliban are engaged in a battle of words on Twitter. It’s nice that today’s technology allows more people to work from home.

The Least You Should Know (1/11)

A family in Washington was burying their dead dog after it was hit by a car, but then it suddenly came back to life. His name is Scamp, but Republicans call him Santorum.

The Least You Should Know (1/10)

German archaeologists claim they’ve found a urinal used by Kaiser Wilhelm II lying on the bottom of the Baltic Sea. And everybody thought the warm water was because of climate change.

The Least You Should Know (1/9)

U.S. officials fear that Iran will share our predator drone with China. It’s proof that Iranians are just like Americans; they think it’s okay to re-gift.

The Least You Should Know (1/6)

Some California Chuck E. Cheese restaurants have been fined for violating child labor laws. They advertise that it’s the place where a kid can be a kid, and also a busboy.

Thursday, September 06, 2012

Wednesday, September 05, 2012

Sunday, September 02, 2012

Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Wednesday, August 01, 2012

Monday, July 30, 2012

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Monday, July 09, 2012

Tuesday, July 03, 2012

Monday, July 02, 2012

Friday, June 29, 2012

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Monday, June 25, 2012

Friday, June 15, 2012

Thursday, June 14, 2012

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Tuesday, June 12, 2012

Monday, June 11, 2012

Friday, June 08, 2012

Thursday, June 07, 2012

Wednesday, June 06, 2012

Tuesday, June 05, 2012

Monday, June 04, 2012

Friday, May 25, 2012

Thursday, May 24, 2012

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

Sunday, May 20, 2012

Friday, May 18, 2012

Thursday, May 17, 2012

Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Monday, May 14, 2012

Friday, May 11, 2012

Thursday, May 10, 2012

Wednesday, May 09, 2012

Tuesday, May 08, 2012

Monday, May 07, 2012

Friday, May 04, 2012

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Tuesday, May 01, 2012

Monday, April 30, 2012

Friday, April 27, 2012

Thursday, April 26, 2012

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Friday, April 13, 2012

Thursday, April 12, 2012

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

Tuesday, April 10, 2012

Friday, April 06, 2012

Thursday, April 05, 2012

Wednesday, April 04, 2012

Tuesday, April 03, 2012

Monday, April 02, 2012

Friday, March 16, 2012

Thursday, March 15, 2012

Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Monday, March 12, 2012

Friday, March 09, 2012

Thursday, March 08, 2012

Wednesday, March 07, 2012

Tuesday, March 06, 2012

Monday, March 05, 2012

Friday, March 02, 2012

Thursday, March 01, 2012

Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Friday, February 24, 2012

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Tuesday, February 21, 2012

Monday, February 20, 2012