Doug Johnson Comedy: 2011

Friday, December 30, 2011

The Least You Should Know (12/30)

ExxonMobil believes that half of all vehicles will be hybrids by 2040. The other half will be able to go over 60 miles per hour.

The Least You Should Know (12/29)

The Library of Congress will archive every tweet ever sent. Future generations deserve an explanation of what we were thinking during the reboot of Beavis and Butt-head.

The Least You Should Know (12/28)

President Obama was criticized for telling a crowd in Kansas that he was glad to be back in Texas. People should lighten up; like any of us could name every state in his homeland.

The Least You Should Know (12/27)

Lady Gaga wants to do 450 concerts over the next 2 years. It would take her all over the Earth, plus a few shows on her home planet.

The Least You Should Know (12/23)

A census report shows that women are still outliving men. It’s due to a variety of reasons; genetics, stress, blow torches...

The Least You Should Know (12/22)

Burger King changed their fries and made them thicker, much like they’ve done to their customers.

The Least You Should Know (12/21)

A woman in Arizona tried to rob a gas station with a toy penguin she claimed was a bomb. A judge granted bail, since neither the woman nor the penguin is considered a flight risk.

The Least You Should Know (12/20)

The Casey Anthony trial beat out Osama bin Laden’s death as Bing’s most-searched- for story of 2011. That’s not saying much; a search for bin Laden takes 10 years.

The Least You Should Know (12/19)

Donald Trump is still considering a run for president. He believes he’s still popular since Tim Tebow keeps giving all the glory to him.

The Least You Should Know (12/16)

A death row inmate ripped the governor of Oregon for halting his execution next month. Now he’ll have to pay his Christmas bills when they come in January.

The Least You Should Know (12/15)

NASA recently launched the Mars Curiosity Rover. They want to know if Mars supported life when it had water, and if so whether Robert Wagner killed it.

The Least You Should Know (12/14)

According to a recent survey, half of American adults have had sex in public. And we wonder why kids never want to go outside and play.

The Least You Should Know (12/13)

There is a mound of 250,000 tires in South Carolina that is visible from space. The land owner is thought to be the world’s largest producer of No Hunting signs.

The Least You Should Know (12/12)

A new experiment may have proved that Einstein was wrong and that there is something faster than the speed of light. The experiment took place in October of 2012.

The Least You Should Know (12/9)

PETA is trying to get children to go vegan during the holidays by comparing eating turkey and other meat to eating the family dog. Kids hate the analogy; it’s too hard to calculate leftovers in dog years.

The Least You Should Know (12/8)

A German designer is creating clothes from a textile that's made of pure milk. Except the petite sizes; they’re made from condensed milk.

The Least You Should Know (12/7)

The facts in Bill O’Reilly’s book about Abraham Lincoln are being challenged. Some don’t believe the Gettysburg Address originally began with, “Caution, you’re about to enter the no-slave zone.”

The Least You Should Know (12/6)

The TSA announced that they will open suspicious Christmas gifts passing through airport security; especially those they believe could be used as weapons. Such as fruit cakes.

The Least You Should Know (12/5)

There’s concern about face injuries from Wham-O’s Snowball blaster because it’s so powerful. But to avoid getting hit in the face, fans of the toy recommend the Penn State approach: just look the other way.

The Least You Should Know (12/2)

The music industry is morning the death of Heavy D. He was 44, which is like 88 in rapper years.

The Least You Should Know (12/1)

Many of the unemployed people in the U.S. are no longer receiving benefits, although it appears that Conrad Murray will soon be getting free housing.

The Least You Should Know (11/30)

A study finds that most Americans have only two close friends. So the other 4 people carrying the casket are there for the funeral luncheon.

The Least You Should Know (11/29)

AOL added 200,000 dial-up subscribers in the last year. It was mainly in places where high-speed internet isn’t available, like 1997.

The Least You Should Know (11/28)

Iran is reportedly in the final stages of developing nuclear weapons. They’ve picked up the pace since we did the Beavis and Butthead re-boot.

The Least You Should Know (11/25)

The View offered to host a GOP presidential debate. That would be a mistake; all they do is gossip and complain, and so do the women on the View.

The Least You Should Know (11/24)

The Pentagon plans to put a surveillance blimp over Afghanistan. It’s pure America; not only will it save lives, but the Taliban will know that the aerial shots are provided by Met Life.

The Least You Should Know (11/23)

Doomsday predictor Harold Camping is stepping down as head of Family Christian Radio. Somebody sent him a gold retirement watch; now he’s warning that the time has come.

The Least You Should Know (11/22)

Time magazine reports that the McRib has 70 ingredients. The sandwich is composed of so many chemicals that they’re re-naming it the McJagger.

The Least You Should Know (11/21)

Herman Cain had his best fundraising day ever when the story broke about his sexual harassment allegations. Plus, he got a solid endorsement from Bill Clinton.

The Least You Should Know (11/18)

British scientists created a “super” broccoli that is supposed to improve health. It must be good; it’s recommended by 4 out of 5 dogs under the dinner table.

The Least You Should Know (11/17)

Jack Kevorkian’s suicide machine was removed from an auction because it didn’t get a high enough bid. His will specifically stated that the machine should be sold, but only if would make a killing.

The Least You Should Know (11/16)

President Obama proposed a plan that makes it easier to pay down student loans. The debt is a huge burden on college graduates; it’s why Beavis and Butthead had to get back into TV.

The Least You Should Know (11/15)

A poll found that half of young adults think there won’t be any Social Security by the time they retire. On the bright side, they won’t have to worry about ever retiring.

The Least You Should Know (11/14)

An 11-year-old boy-genius is enrolled in his freshman year at the University of Minnesota. He started reading books when he was very young, according to the sonogram.

The Least You Should Know (11/11)

Muammar Gaddafi was buried in an unknown location. It won’t be a secret for long; with so many ways to spell his name he’ll have the world’s largest headstone.

The Least You Should Know (11/10)

The birth rate in California is the lowest since the Great Depression. It’s a result of the poor economy and the fact that Arnold Schwarzenegger hasn’t hired a new maid.

The Least You Should Know (11/9)

McDonald’s is launching an in-store TV channel. They’re also changing their menu; the French fries will be made from specially cut couch potatoes.

The Least You Should Know (11/8)

An environmental group wants to put toilets on Mt. Everest. They would be located inside one of the Starbucks.

The Least You Should Know (11/7)

Forbes magazine says that Los Angeles is America’s most stressful city. But only for those who drive, or breathe oxygen.

The Least You Should Know (11/4)

Nissan is designing a car that will read the driver's mind. So a lot of people will wind up in the gutter.

The Least You Should Know (11/3)

On the Today Show Michelle Obama said that she tries to sneak out of the White House as much as possible. That’s the same thing Bill Clinton used to say.

The Least You Should Know (11/2)

Conspiracists think Beyonce and Jay Z are faking her pregnancy because there’s video of her baby bump changing form when she sat down. But that’s likely caused by the baby’s Yankees cap being on sideways.

The Least You Should Know (11/1)

Wal-Mart and Facebook have a new partnership. Talk about a force; it's the world’s largest interactive social experiment, combined with Facebook.

The Least You Should Know (10/31)

The NBA has now cancelled 4 weeks of games. It’s the most successful start to a Clippers season in team history.

The Least You Should Know (10/27)

Some players for the Boston Red Sox allegedly drank in the locker room on game days. At least they were responsible; if they got on base they’d take a cab to arrive home safely.

The Least You Should Know (10/26)

In an interview President Obama said that Americans are not better off than they were 4 years ago. Which is true, for everybody except Amanda Knox.

The Least You Should Know (10/25)

It's estimated that pet owners will spend an average of $59 dressing up their pets for Halloween. It's also estimated that pet owners will also spend an average of $200 treating their bite wounds.

The Least You Should Know (10/24)

Millions of bees mysteriously died in Florida. Investigators are exhausted from outlining the bodies with chalk.

The Least You Should Know (10/20)

An online poll asked women to name the part of a man that’s the sexiest. The answer? His chest, when it’s glistening behind a vacuum cleaner.

The Least You Should Know (10/19)

GM plans to put air bags between the passenger and driver’s seat in some models. They’ll wait until 2013 to do it; with an election year approaching there will already be plenty of airbags that are front and center.

The Least You Should Know (10/18)

Tension is increasing between Iran and the United States. We just sent them a shipment of cantaloupes from Colorado.

The Least You Should Know (10/17)

The Census Bureau issued an internal memo reminding workers not to take naps in the building. They're supposed to be counting people, not sheep.

Obama, Republicans Agree: AT & T Greenhouse Lady is a Hag

WASHINGTON – After three years of partisan bickering, the White House and Republican leaders agree on one thing: the wife berating her husband from a greenhouse in AT & T’s commercial is mean.

“Maybe she should’ve married John Clark,” President Barack Obama said from the Rose Garden. “We’re up here trying to get a budget together – looking at cuts, or even increasing taxes – and here’s this lady cutting down her husband trying to save on the family phone bill.”

GOP Speaker of the House John Boehner agreed. “I stand with the President on this. Steve would’ve been better off if his wife did marry John Clark. But then we’d be talking about how sorry we are for John Clark. No man should have to put up with that.”

Both parties are especially disappointed with the logistics. “That contentious tone in the greenhouse is what gets me,” said Obama. “It’s probably a greenhouse that Steve built, and that’s how she thanks him? Belittling him in front of everybody?”

“It’s like Hitler complaining to Poland that the terrain is too hard on German tanks. Um, at least that’s what I heard Hank say.”

The Least You Should Know (10/13)

Starbucks is selling an $85 T-shirt that looks like you spilled coffee on yourself — much like you would do after finding out the price of a coffee-stained T-shirt.

The Least You Should Know (10/12)

President Obama keeps urging Israelis and Palestinians to continue peace talks. So far about the only issue they agree on is how much everybody hates the Facebook changes.

The Least You Should Know (10/11)

President Obama said his new tax plan isn’t class warfare, it’s math. Now Donald Trump wants to know his grade in math.

The Least You Should Know (10/10)

A man in India has intentionally kept his right arm raised above his head since 1973. He holds the world record for the number of times anybody has won Volunteer of the Year.

Taking Occupy Wall Street Lead, Pets Protest Embarrassing Halloween Costumes

WASHINGTON – As the “Occupy” movement continues to spread across the U.S., dogs and cats are coming out to protest the costumes they’ll be dressed in later this month.

“Mak me sleP oWTSide instead,” read the sign of a 5-year-old schnauzer named Cheech. “I thought he liked the top hat,” lamented his owner Damon Rogers.

Many are surprised at how the pets could assemble at the same times. “Well, it’s not like they have jobs to go to,” said Ethel McNamara, owner of 3 cats. “They live here with me, so they come and go as they wish.”

Others are bewildered that the animals could even make protest signs. “I paid a lot of money for them to go to school for training,” said one dog owner. “I’m just struck by how poor their spelling is.”

The Least You Should Know (10/6)

President Obama’s campaign is having a fundraising raffle. Anybody who donates $5.00 is entered for a chance to have dinner with the president; the night of the dinner will be decided by John Boehner.

The Least You Should Know (10/5)

Sprint has a new app that disables texts and calls when the phone is moving above 10 MPH. That’s why nobody has heard from Muammar Gaddafi in a while.

The Least You Should Know (10/4)

A man wearing a Barack Obama mask robbed a Michigan bank. Republicans knew the man wasn’t really the president because he didn’t take the money from our children.

The Least You Should Know (10/3)

Scientists discovered more than 50 new planets. Just in time; we need more storage.

First Lady Spotted at Target, Only Recognized by Cashier Anthony Weiner

ALEXANDRIA, VIRGINA – First Lady Michelle Obama was spotted shopping incognito at Target Thursday. She reportedly spent 30-40 minutes shopping and was only recognized by her cashier, former New York Representative Anthony Weiner.

“I knew right away it was her,” he said. “I have a great eye for detail — except, you know, with social media.”

The Secret Service entered the store about 30 minutes before Mrs. Obama. Weiner said he wasn’t at the register at that time. “I was in the break room chatting up a new part-timer. It was awesome. She’s been busy with college so she hasn’t read much news in the last six months.”

When asked if he talked with the First Lady, Weiner said he didn’t have very much time.

“She only bought a few things.I got some great pictures with my cell phone. After my shift was over I posted them on Twitter.”

The Least You Should Know (9/30)

A study suggests pot smokers have a lower risk of obesity. That’s because they’re late for so many meals.

The Least You Should Know (9/28)

Officials in Sweden had to rescue a drunken elk from a tree. The elk's mom opposed; she wanted to let him stay there all night so he could learn his lesson.

The Least You Should Know (9/27)

A new report finds that space junk is becoming a serious issue. Astronauts at the International Space Station are just trying to blend in, so they put an old sofa on the front porch.

The Least You Should Know (9/26)

In Arizona, state prisons are charging a $25 fee to visit inmates. It won’t work; if people want to pay money to see a criminal they’ll go to a political fundraiser.

The Least You Should Know (9/22)

Green Day’s lead singer said he was kicked off a plane because of his sagging pants. The airline said if they want to see underwear they’ll wait until the baggage guys handle his suitcase.

The Least You Should Know (9/21)

A University of Texas professor thinks there should be affirmative action for ugly people. But this time he thinks it should apply to more than just radio personalities.

The Least You Should Know (9/20)

Bill Clinton has been publicly talking about his new vegan lifestyle. It takes will power to give up meat; to get through it he reminds himself that it’s an impeachable offense to ever request a thigh or breast.

The Least You Should Know (9/19)

Panthers tight end Jermey Shockey saved a choking teammate by hitting him hard in the back. The NFL has already suspended Shockey for 2 games and fined him $10,000.

The Least You Should Know (9/15)

Mosquitoes are disappearing in some parts of Africa. Experts believe they were taken out by a S.W.A.T. team.

The Least You Should Know (9/14)

Russian engineers revealed plans to build a space hotel 200 miles above Earth by 2016. It costs half a million dollars to stay there, but that includes a free intercontinental breakfast.

The Least You Should Know (9/13)

BREAKING: The resignation letter that Apple CEO Steve Jobs submitted is already outdated, so next week he’ll release the iQuit 2.

The Least You Should Know (9/12)

Muammar Gaddafi pledged to fight on for years. It’s hard to take him seriously; yesterday he updated his resume on LinkedIn.

The Least You Should Know (9/9)

New research indicates that exercising 15 minutes a day can increase life expectancy by 3 years. That’s why Muammar Gaddafi just bought a Shake Weight.

The Least You Should Know (9/7)

A recent survey ranked Tiger Woods as the worst celebrity restaurant tipper. He leaves a tip; the problem is that lately it’s been landing in the water

The Least You Should Know (9/6)

Text messaging is still the most popular smartphone app. It’s recommended by 4 out of 5 auto body shops.

The Least You Should Know (9/5)

The Pentagon has a new plane that can fly 13,000 miles per hour. Leave it to Americans to find a faster way to deliver pizza.

The Least You Should Know (9/1)

President Obama is on Four Square. He did it to help Republicans; so far the only place they can locate him is on the golf course.

He intends to check in at various points, like 2008.

The Least You Should Know (8/30)

According to a Gallup poll, President Obama’s job approval rating is below 40 percent. Ben and Jerry’s has a new flavor of ice cream for him; it’s called Double-Dip Recession.

The Least You Should Know (8/29)

Sony is making a move about Osama bin Laden. It’s already hit a snag; in Hollywood it’s hard to find 72 virgins.

The Least You Should Know (8/24)

Kelsey Grammar said he might run for public office. His opponents say he has a drinking problem; they have hours of video that show him in a bar.

The Least You Should Know (8/18)

Researchers in the Midwest are using cattle to test the effects of altitude on the heart. So far they’ve determined that a cow’s heart beats fastest right before it opens the parachute.

The Least You Should Know (8/16)

Nancy Pelosi said the new debt bill is a sugar-coated Satan sandwich with fries, which is the same thing Michelle Obama calls anything from a fast-food restaurant.

The Least You Should Know (8/15)

The Earth’s population will hit 7 Billion this year. That’s roughly 1 person per Starbucks.

The Least You Should Know (8/11)

NFL players are getting ready for the season. Some have been staying in shape during the lockout by lifting weights, running, and turning to the left for their mug shots.

The Least You Should Know (8/10)

MLB umpire Jerry Meals admits he blew a game-deciding call last month between the Braves and Pirates. The staff at J.C. Penney isn’t surprised; for years they’ve called him “price check,” because he can’t see the tags.

The Least You Should Know (8/9)

Officials say the world’s largest pair of underwear is still missing from a museum in St. Louis. The underwear is 7 feet tall; it’s like training wheels for people who want to work for the TSA.

The Least You Should Know (8/8)

A company in India plans to market a house that can be built in a week and costs $720. It has a few drawbacks; sometimes the front door sticks when you unzip it.

The Least You Should Know (8/4)

The University of Southern California suspended running back Marc Tyler for saying USC pays them to play football. Later he said he was joking; they only get paid for going to class.

The Least You Should Know (8/3)

A new study shows 25 percent of all Americans participated in binge drinking in the past month. So far it’s the best explanation of the Casey Anthony verdict.

The Least You Should Know (8/2)

A Ukrainian zookeeper plans to live locked up with two lions for 35 days. He said he’ll live just like them, except he won’t be eating zookeeper for his first dinner.

The Least You Should Know (8/1)

A Casey Anthony confession virus circulated on Facebook. It takes important files from your computer, but you won’t notice for 31 days.

The Least You Should Know (7/29)

Japanese researchers reported that a type of snail migrates by getting eaten by birds and then pooped out in another location. It’s basically the same way humans fly coach.

The Least You Should Know (7/28)

Lindsay Lohan thinks she has been treated too harshly and that prison is only for killers. Just not in Florida.

The Least You Should Know (7/28)

Days after Derek Jeter collected his 3,000th hit, many believe he can reach 4,000. Especially if teachers in the Atlanta School System get to count them.

The Least You Should Know (7/15)

A pair of convicted killers in a California prison exchanged wedding vows earlier this month. She’s already complaining that he spends all of his time with the boys.

The Least You Should Know (7/13)

China plans to count panda droppings to determine the population of the endangered species. The ideal job applicant will have experience sorting through U.S. tax laws.

The Least You Should Know (7/11)

In 2012 cigarette manufacturers will have to display photos of people with missing teeth on packs of cigarettes. It’s to show young people the dangers of smoking, and starring in Two and a Half Men.

The Least You Should Know (7/7)

A Washington man who quit college in 1932 finally finished his degree at age 99. Now maybe his parents will get off his back.

The Least You Should Know (7/5)

The U.S. birth rate has dropped for the third straight year. It’s partly due to the slumping economy, and good TV shows.

The Least You Should Know (7/4)

A 5-year-old NASA satellite snapped its 3 Billionth photo of the Earth. That's about average when you give a 5-year-old a camera.

The Least You Should Know (6/30)

By their admission the Miami Heat deemed the season a failure. It really burns them that Kris Humphries followed through on his promise to deliver a ring before LeBron James could.

The Least You Should Know (6/29)

Osama bin Laden's huge house had only one air conditioning window unit. And he wishes he had it right now.

The Least You Should Know (6/28)

Guinness declared a 23.5-inch Filipino as the world’s shortest man. And yet he’s still farther off the ground than the Newt Gingrich presidential campaign.

The Least You Should Know (6/27)

There are two new elements to the Periodic Table of Elements. They’re not very stable, but have a lot of energy; scientists call them Charlie and Sheen.

The Least You Should Know (6/22)

Former baseball all star Lenny Dykstra is facing grand theft auto charges. If he needed a car that badly, all he had to do was go to college and play football.

The Least You Should Know (6/21)

There’s a new law in Australia against profanity. Soon jails will be full of men with sore fingers who were hanging pictures for their wives.

The Least You Should Know (6/20)

YouTube said that 48 hours of video are being uploaded to their site every minute. It seems impossible that 2 days can fit in to one minute, until you watch an NBA playoff game.

The Least You Should Know (6/15)

The air traffic controllers’ union said that controller trainees are placing a serious strain on the air traffic system. Sometimes it takes as many as many as 3 trainees to get the fitted sheet on a mattress.

The Least You Should Know (6/9)

A riot at San Quentin left four inmates hospitalized. There are a lot of ways people are dealing with the end of Oprah’s show.

The Least You Should Know (6/8)

Maryland is going to start using birth control for deer. Basically, they’re just letting more teenagers drive.

The Least You Should Know (6/7)

On his London trip President Obama signed the guest book at Westminster Abbey and dated it 2008. It's understandable; he was still on Washington time.

The Least You Should Know (6/6)

Tornados continue to hit the Midwest. Weather officials tell people to get under an intimate structure, but not everybody has access to Kim Kardashian’s engagement ring.

The Least You Should Know (6/3)

A London woman accused of stealing welfare money had her court case postponed because she was too fat to get into court. Last night Dominique Strauss-Kahn put Dominos on speed dial.

The Least You Should Know (5/31)

Last week a Wisconsin man ate his 25,000th Big Mac. He can remember his first one in 1972, because he's still digesting it.

The Least You Should Know (5/27)

An Israeli couple is so obsessed with Facebook that they named their baby daughter Like. She is welcomed home by her brother, Buy it Now!

The Least You Should Know (5/25)

The unique hat worn by Princess Beatrice to the royal wedding brought over $130,000 at a charity auction. It’s a nice hat; you can hardly see the marks where airplanes have run in to it.

The Least You Should Know (5/24)

Colorado police caught a man driving with an office chair embedded in his front bumper. He’s accused of driving under the influence, and taking his work home with him.

The Least You Should Know (5/23)

Last weekend parents in the Philippines took their sons who were at least 9 years old to a circumcision party. Or as the kids called it, a surprise party.

The Least You Should Know (5/18)

President Obama told 60 Minutes that watching the bin Laden raid was the longest 40 minutes of his life. And that’s coming from a guy who’s been to a Washington Wizards game.

The Least You Should Know (5/17)

The SEALS found marijuana growing near Osama bin Laden’s compound. It could be an indication why he didn't leave his house for 6 years.

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