The Least You Should Know (12/31)

Some people are saying Bernard Madoff’s ponzi scheme is the crime of the century. They must have forgotten about Madonna’s remake of American Pie.

The Least You Should Know (12/30)

Barack Obama said he’s putting together the best basketball-playing cabinet in American history. Abraham Lincoln had a good team; he just didn’t have a shot blocker.

The Least You Should Know (12/29)

Funeral directors are getting requests to bury the deceased with their cell phones. Might as well; you can’t get out of your contract just because you’re dead.

The Least You Should Know (12/28)

Barack Obama said the country doesn’t have any adult supervision. He’s right; somebody let crazy Uncle Sam supervise everything and the deficit got pregnant.

The Least You Should Know (12/24)

Burger King is making cologne that smells like meat. I guess now we have a Christmas present for Michael Vick.

The Least You Should Know (12/23)

The shoe-throwing incident just proves that all journalists like throwing things at presidents. In Iraq they throw shoes at Bush, in America they throw panties at Obama…

The Least You Should Know (12/22)

Inmates at a prison in Texas took hostages after starting a riot and starting a fire. It’s worse than we thought; Oprah’s fans are taking her weight gain pretty hard.

The Least You Should Know (12/19)

Governor Blagojevich tried to sell Barack Obama’s Senate seat for $1 million. The President-elect said he’s appalled; that seat was hardly used.

The Least You Should Know (12/18)

Forbes magazine rated Louisiana as the nation’s unhealthiest state. It comes as no surprise considering their state flower is the Bloomin’ Onion.

The Least You Should Know (12/17)

Oprah Winfrey will do her show from Washington during Inauguration week. It'll be a great time for the world to see the most powerful African American in the world. Plus Barack Obama will be there.

The Least You Should Know (12/16)

A restaurant in China is using the image of Saddam Hussein to promote its spicy chicken wings. And be forewarned; these wings definitely have an exit strategy.

They use his image because the wings are guilty of crimes against humanity.

The Least You Should Know (12/15)

Reports are circulating that airports face a shortage of de-icing fluids this winter. Apparently Barack Obama used it all on Hillary Clinton.

The Least You Should Know (12/12)

Wal-Mart reported a profit for the month of November. That’s the advantage of having an in-store medical clinic on Black Friday.

The Least You Should Know (12/12)

NASA said that bag of tools orbiting outside the Space Station will fall to earth soon. You can watch it on C-Span; they have a long tradition of covering tools.

The Least You Should Know (12/10)

Entertainment Weekly released a lineup of the smartest people in television. It’s a list of people who don’t own one.

The Least You Should Know (12/9)

Axl Rose is demanding an apology from Dr. Pepper because their site went down during the Guns N Roses soda giveaway. Dr. Pepper started the apology, and will finish it in 14 years.

The Least You Should Know (12/8)

Now that the movie Twilight is out, everybody’s talking about blood-sucking vampires. But that’s probably because they bailed out Citigroup.

The Least You Should Know (12/5)

Britney Spears told Rolling Stone her 3-year-old son sometimes uses the F-word. But she said the last time was justified because the other driver totally cut him off.

The Least You Should Know (12/4)

Alex Rodriquez reportedly spent Thanksgiving with Madonna. They reenacted the very first Thanksgiving; Madonna brought Syphilis from Europe.

The Least You Should Know (12/3)

Consumer confidence rose in November. But most people feel more confident when they’re drinking.

The Least You Should Know (12/2)

A Canadian court ruled that obese airline passengers can now get 2 seats for the price of one. Not to be insensitive, but maybe the 2-for-1 deals are why they need multiple seats.

The Least You Should Know (12/1)

Environmentalists are designing a toilet that doesn’t flush. You can see a prototype at the nearest gas station.

Checkout Lines are the New Soup Lines

Somebody better tell the American consumer. The media says we're in a financial crisis. It's the worst economy since the Great Depression. Unemployment! Soup lines!

Maybe things are bad. Friday I did see Americans standing in lines, but it didn't appear those people are missing many meals. I want to tell them the new Xbox has no nutritional value. It goes straight to your hips.

Early data indicates an increase in Black Friday sales compared to last year. Perhaps my little Northwest Kansas community is propping up the nation. Every day at lunch parking lots are filled at fast food restaurants. But I bet those people are waiting for crumbs that are thrown in the dumpster.

Unemployment will likely go over 7 percent this week. It's obviously the tipping point to the Depression's jobless rate of 25 percent.

Somebody better do something to ease the pain -- like hiring an extra checkout clerk for lane 12.

The Least You Should Know (11/25)

A German army medic confirmed a long-time rumor that Hitler only had one testicle. This isn’t news; everybody knows Hitler was unbalanced.

The Least You Should Know (11/25)

An Oregon woman lost her $400,000 retirement after falling for the Nigerian e-mail scam. The rest of us are smarter than that; we lose our retirement in the stock market.

The Least You Should Know (11/24)

Huntington, West Virginia, is the nation’s unhealthiest city. And it’s not getting any better. Two weeks ago they re-elected Mayor McCheese.

The Least You Should Know (11/21)

Barack Obama officially resigned from the U.S. Senate. It's a sign of the times; another jobless American waiting to move into government housing.

The Least You Should Know (11/20)

Congress is changing its focus from buying up bad mortgages to bailing out auto makers. Like many Americans, they’re moving from the house to the car.

The Least You Should Know (11/19)

Scientists are working on a beer that fights cancer. It makes sense; everybody knows a good fight involves beer.

The Least You Should Know (11/18)

The New York Post printed Barack Obama's family tree. Some people say it’s incomplete, but they forget Lazarus was only a friend.

The Least You Should Know (11/17)

San Francisco officials decided to install a suicide prevention net under the Golden Gate Bridge. They hope to have it in place before the next 49ers game.

The Least You Should Know (11/14)

An Oregon city elected America’s first transgender mayor. Apparently Barack Obama isn’t the only one who ran on a platform of change.

The Least You Should Know (11/13)

Actor Daniel Craig believes the world may be ready for a black James Bond. He could star in a movie called Dr. Yo.

The Least You Should Know (11/12)

Janet Jackson’s producers say the rest of her tour is cancelled because of scheduling conflicts. Even she has better things to do than go to her concerts.

The Least You Should Know (11/11)

With the Obama win many conservatives are considering moving to another country. That’s right; they might go to San Francisco.

What Now?

Obama Win Causes Obsessive Supporters To Realize How Empty Their Lives Are

The Least You Should Know (11/6)

The Orlando Sun-Sentinel published a list of people who reportedly slept with Madonna. I’m not saying the list is big, but 3 paper delivery boys threw out their backs.

The Least You Should Know (11/5)

A survey shows that 44 percent of people do their best thinking in the shower. That explains why our Congress stinks.

The Least You Should Know (11/4)

There’s video circulating the internet of Barack Obama sneezing on a reporter. Evidently wealth isn't the only thing he's spreading.

The Least You Should Know (11/3)

A Dubai radio station fired a DJ for impersonating God. It's different in the United States. We don't fire people for impersonating God; we elect them.

The Least You Should Know (10/31)

Britney Spears is rumored to be making her own exercise video. Unfortunately, when you put in the DVD it spirals out of control.

The Least You Should Know (10/30)

ACORN is really upset that Stewie on the Family Guy was shown wearing a McCain-Palin button; they registered him as a Democrat.

The Least You Should Know (10/29)

A man in Afghanistan was sentenced to 20 years in prison for asking his journalism teacher a controversial question. His name is Abdul the Plumber.

The Least You Should Know (10/27)

A Wisconsin middle school is being criticized for using a book that profiles Barack Obama. But evangelicals are thrilled that a public school is using the New Testament.

The Least You Should Know (10/23)

Kentucky Derby winner Big Brown is being retired from horse racing. Unfortunately, his I.R.A tanked so he has to get a job at Wal-Mart.

The Least You Should Know (10/22)

In Cleveland, a TV reporter covering the ACORN voter registration scandal was flashed by a transvestite, who is obviously undecided.

The Least You Should Know (10/21)

Gas prices keep dropping. That will make it easier for many Americans to heat their homes this winter, assuming they keep the windows rolled up.

The Least You Should Know (10/20)

Google has a new email feature that makes it harder for drunk people to send emails. Their account stays locked until they are able to solve basic math questions; evidently it won’t be used by Congress.

In the Non-Produce Section of the Grocery Store

Found at the thepeoplescube.com

Obama Reels in Big Plumbing

ROANOKE, VA -- Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama is tapping into Americans' anxiety over the economy by going after plumbers who make over $250,000 annually.

"I'll make plumbers pay a tax on their windfall profits, and we'll use the money to help families pay for their skyrocketing toilet paper costs and others bills," he told supporters.

Obama charged that Republican candidate John McCain's support for extending President Bush's tax cuts means he is in favor of plumbers' greed.

"For the well-off in this country, plumbing prices are mostly an annoyance. But to most Americans, plumbing is a huge problem, bordering on a crisis. We can't have the fat cats getting rich off your backs. Enough is enough."

The Least You Should Know (10/16)

Barack Obama told Men’s Health he still smokes occasionally. Joe Biden tries to smoke, but whenever he puts the cigarette up to his mouth he burns his foot.

The Least You Should Know (10/15)

Owners of New York’s S & M clubs say business is down 70 percent. They want to do something about it, but their hands are tied.

The Least You Should Know (10/14)

Dish Network now has a Barack Obama channel. According to recent polls John McCain has a channel too: the History Channel.

The Least You Should Know (10/13)

Mets starting pitcher Johan Santana had knee surgery. It was painful, but he’s used to not having any relief.

The Least You Should Know (10/9)

Dolphins running back Ricky Williams said last weekend he was tempted to smoke marijuana. But then he realized halftime was almost over.

The Least You Should Know (10/8)

A wedding in England was interrupted when the bride gave birth to a baby boy 5 weeks prematurely. You should’ve heard those vows.

The Least You Should Know (10/7)

Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger vetoed a bill that would’ve fined motorists $35 for having a dog in their lap. It's a safety issue; somebody has to steer while the humans eat their lunch.

The Least You Should Know (10/3)

Ben and Jerry won’t pursue a request to make ice cream with breast milk. They experimented with it but the breast pumps were too painful.

The Least You Should Know (10/2)

There are rumors that Barack Obama will replace Joe Biden with Hillary Clinton, using an excuse that Biden has health problems. Evidently caused by being thrown under a bus.

The Least You Should Know (10/1)

A phone number for a New Jersey Democrat campaign office is actually the number for a phone sex service. But either way you get to talk with Bill Clinton.

The Least You Should Know (9/30)

Yankee Stadium is closed now. The plan is to demolish it, but the government keeps trying to bail it out.

The Least You Should Know (9/29)

Scientists controlling the Mars rover Opportunity are steering it toward a large crater, but it will take months because it can only go 110 yards a day. That explains why they nicknamed it the Cleveland Browns.

The Least You Should Know (9/24)

Homeland Security unveiled a machine that spots terrorists in airports by detecting heightened anxiety levels. So far the terrorists all appear to be Mets fans.

The Least You Should Know (9/24)

A restaurant in Switzerland is serving dishes that contain mother's milk. And I thought it was awkward when they come to your table with the pepper grinder…

The Least You Should Know (9/23)

The new 3-ply toilet paper is in stores. It’s expected to compete with another new toilet paper, Lehman Brothers stock certificates.

The Least You Should Know (9/22)

In Las Vegas, the prosecutor keeps reminding jurors of O.J. Simpson’s controversial past. It’s important that people never forget he made those Naked Gun movies.

Palin's Personal Life Catches up With Her

ANCHORAGE, Alaska -- With the election less than two months away, investigators for Barack Obama's campaign report they have damaging information on Republican vice presidential candidate Sarah Palin.

The group of lawyers sent to Alaska on a fact-finding trip report that Palin, a strong supporter of family values, hangs her toilet paper the wrong way.

"Everybody knows you hang the roll with the little flappy thingy coming from the bottom," said an Obama spokesman. "It just shows how out-of-touch she is with the American people. If she can't manage her own bathroom, how can she manage this country?"

The information comes from a lawyer who spoke with a cousin of a friend who's daughter went to a birthday party of a mutual friend of Palin's daughter, Bristol, MSNBC reported early Sunday morning.

When reached for comment, Obama was in disbelief. "In all my months in the Senate I've never seen anything like it. The thing that bothers me the most is, um, she uses 2-ply toilet paper. Across the country people are using single-ply because of the failed policies of the Bush administration."

An email sent to Palin went unanswered because the account is closed.

The toilet paper story is expected to be a hot button issue in the first of three presidential debates that begin Friday.

Regardless of what happens in the debate, the revelation brings a new confidence to the Democrats.

DNC Chairman Howard Dean expressed his excitement by saying. "We finally got her."

The Least You Should Know (9/19)

When John McCain was on the View last week, Whoopi asked him if he would govern by getting advice from God; McCain said he doesn’t even know Miley Cyrus.

The Least You Should Know (9/17)

Angels pitcher Francisco Rodriguez set a Major League record with his 58th save. Republicans say his save was almost as big as Sarah Palin’s.

The Least You Should Know (9/15)

Barack Obama was photographed taking his daughters to school last week. He liked the change; for two weeks he’d been taken to school by a girl.

The Least You Should Know (9/11)

John Edwards said he won’t hold any public events until after the election. Until then, all of his affairs will remain private.

The Least You Should Know (9/10)

Jesse Jackson was hospitalized with stomach pains. Doctors say it appeared he had eaten too many of his words.

The Least You Should Know (9/8)

A town in Vermont dropped its 42-year ban on fortunetelling. Naturally, a lot of people saw it coming.

The Least You Should Know (9/5)

Sean “Diddy” Combs says fuel costs have forced him to fly commercial. If security was slow before, wait until a rapper with multiple names goes through a metal detector.

The Least You Should Know (9/3)

A California man rammed his vehicle into the gates of the Playboy mansion twice in 5 days. At least Dodgers fans saw somebody get two hits in the same week.

The Least You Should Know (9/2)

Republicans in Texas aired a commercial criticizing Barack Obama for allowing his half-brother George to live in a shack in Kenya. Kenyans aired a similar commercial criticizing George for allowing Obama to enter politics.

Because that would be bad...

As excited as I am about John McCain putting Sarah Palin on the ticket, it has it's shortcomings. After all, she's only a governor; she doesn't have much experience.

From what I've heard some pundits say, she would only be a stroke away from being Grand Poo-bah of the U.S. Can we take that risk? After all, it's not like she's been a junior senator or community organizer.

The Least You Should Know (8/28)

Janet Jackson is releasing her own line of lingerie. It goes on sale in November, and comes off the rack in the Super Bowl.

The Least You Should Know (8/27)

Last week 4 horses were banned from the Olympic jumping competition for doping. Officials got suspicious when they saw them taking batting practice.

The Least You Should Know (8/26)

A Wisconsin man is selling his Chevy pickup that has over a million miles on it. Just because it’s been driven that much doesn’t mean it’s useless; just ask Madonna.

The Least You Should Know (8/25)

The Census Bureau projects that by 2042 white people will no longer be considered the majority. Which should finally give somebody else a chance to play in the NBA.

The Least You Should Know (8/22)

A retired British bullfighter returned to the ring at age 65. The bulls wanted no part of him, so they traded him to the Jets.

The Least You Should Know (8/20)

The Phil Spector murder retrial starts in October. It’s great timing; by then the World Series is the only place Americans can see a man walk twice.

The Least You Should Know (8/19)

A Burger King worker in Ohio got fired after he took a bubble bath in a restaurant sink. It’s appalling; people who want a simple artery-clogging meal shouldn’t have to put up with this guy’s germs.

The Least You Should Know (8/18)

U.S. swimmer Michael Phelps is an international star. Nobody’s been this excited to see a guy getting wet since Dick Cheney learned about waterboarding.

The Least You Should Know (8/14)

Democrats are concerned because there's going to be a shortage of limousines in Denver during the convention. It doesn't matter, because according to scripture Barack Obama is supposed to enter town on a donkey.

The Least You Should Know (8/13)

Tickets for Barack Obama’s speech in Denver sold out in less than 24 hours. It was to be expected; the first 10,000 fans get a free tire gauge.

The Least You Should Know (8/12)

At the Sturgis motorcycle rally John McCain suggested that his wife enter a topless contest. So it’s not surprising he's being endorsed by Bill Clinton.

The Least You Should Know (8/11)

Officials in Beijing are warning tourists to respect local laws and strictly prohibit getting drunk, streaking, or sleeping outside. Evidently China doesn’t have any colleges.

I'm Not Sayin' it's Funny...

Look -- it's me. In the newspaper:

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE:

Colby Teacher, Doug Johnson, earns Honorable Mention in National Joke Writing Contest

Doug Johnson, a college recruiter and instructor at Colby College, was awarded an Honorable Mention in the “Archangel Shecky One Great Joke” contest for his original one-liner:

I’m not saying I live in a bad neighborhood, but the window of opportunity has bars on it.

Johnson, who used to work in radio, has an Associate degree in Radio/TV from Colby Community College, a Bachelor’s degree in Communication and a Master’s degree both from Fort Hays State University.

“When I left the radio industry, I missed it,” says Johnson. “So I started writing again. People actually paid me for it.” Presently, he writes for All-Star Radio in St. Louis and for various comedy services and greeting card companies. For samples of his one-liners visit his blog, www.djcomedy.com .

Current humorists who have influenced his writing are Jerry Seinfeld, Steven Wright, and Steve Martin.

The “Archangel Shecky One Great Joke” contest was inspired by the soon to be published novel, Breakfasts with Archangel Shecky (Quill Driver Books, Fall, 2008), written by 3 time Emmy-winning comedy writer, Gene Perret. In the book, the fictional angel advises aspiring comedy writers to start by writing “One Great Joke.” For additional information about this book or upcoming writing contests, phone Linda at (818) 865-7833, e-mail her at comedywriting@sbcglobal.net, or visit the website, www.archangelshecky.com

The Least You Should Know (8/8)

New research from the American Academy of Neurology says that fish may prevent mental decline. Unless you have to try and catch them…

The Least You Should Know (8/7)

Democrats changed their minds and will serve fried food at the convention in Denver. They had to make the change; Barack Obama is getting tired of feeding the masses with loaves of bread.

The Least You Should Know (8/6)

The Green Bay Packers offered Brett Favre $20 million to stay retired. It’s a shame they weren’t managing the New Kids on the Block.

The Least You Should Know (8/5)

Karl Rove is in contempt of Congress. Like the rest of us.

The Least You Should Know (8/4)

New research suggests that children born prematurely are shyer than full-term babies. In fact, after they're born premature babies will go months without talking to anybody.

The Least You Should Know (8/1)

During the Democrat Convention in Denver, homeless people will get free passes to movie theaters. Officials don't want them around bothering delegates by begging for money; Hillary Clinton doesn't need the competition.

Even worse, they only get to see one movie: Jurassic Park Bench.

The Least You Should Know (7/31)

A couple in China got caught trying to teach their dog to drive. They were served with a warning; the dog was served with potatoes and carrots.

The Least You Should Know (7/30)

In California, three men face charges after being involved in a wedding reception brawl with more than 100 people. Apparently they really wanted that garter.

The Least You Should Know (7/29)

An inmate jailed for sending spam e-mails walked away unnoticed from a Colorado federal prison camp. He was last seen wearing a replica Rolex that looked like the real thing.

The Least You Should Know (7/24)

In Georgia, the highway department determined signs that say “Men at Work” are sexist. And a lie.

The Least You Should Know (7/23)

The FAA is so desperate for air traffic controllers they’re recruiting high school students. That’s why starting August 1st there won’t be any flights before noon.

The Least You Should Know (7/22)

A Michigan man is suing two Christian publishers because the Bible says homosexuality is a sin. A defense attorney said the book isn't homophobic because the Author is a big fan of rainbows.

The Least You Should Know (7/21)

After 27 years, commentator Billy Packer is finished with CBS sports. He’s not necessarily retiring; apparently that’s not a popular thing to do if you’re a Packer.

The Least You Should Know (7/17)

It's been determined that one of Toyota's top car engineers died from working too many hours. Apparently he was trying to adjust the clock in one of their cars.

The Least You Should Know (7/16)

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt had twins over the weekend. To avoid rumors later in life they told the kids the truth right away: they’re not adopted.

The Least You Should Know (7/15)

Barack Obama told a crowd last week we have to teach our children to speak Spanish. Especially if they ever need extra towels at a motel.

The Least You Should Know (7/14)

According to research, people consume fewer calories during meals by simply slowing down. And when you slow down to eat it’s safer to steer with your knees.

The Least You Should Know (7/11)

A Wisconsin man allegedly faked a heart attack to avoid paying a restaurant tab. He's charged with falsifying a report and impersonating Fred G. Sanford.

The Least You Should Know (7/10)

Monday Barack Obama's plane made an unscheduled landing in St. Louis because the pilot couldn't keep the nose of the plane at the proper angle. Apparently it was tilting too far to the right.

The Least You Should Know (7/9)

Yankees co-chairman Hank Steinbrenner criticized his team for lack of offense. Alex Rodriquez has been trying to find some luck by swinging with a used bat.

The Least You Should Know (7/8)

Gun rights advocates in Atlanta want the right to carry in the airport. That should eliminate the airlines charging for extra bags.

The Least You Should Know (7/7)

Last week lightning punched a hole in the nose of a plane in Australia. It happened right after the pilot announced the flight was on schedule.

The Least You Should Know (7/3)

Wal-Mart is changing its logo. They tested the current one; it has high levels of lead.

The Least You Should Know (7/2)

An Iowa golfer got 2 holes-in-one in the same round. Don't confuse that with John Daly, who had two rounds in the same hole.

The Least You Should Know (6/30)

Shaquille O'Neal is rapping again. He’s reportedly doing it to improve his free throw shooting, which explains why his stage name is 50 Percent.

Stupid Old Pantsuit Girls

I realize Dave and Jay are unbelievably successful telling topical jokes each night, but the rest of the world follows their lead. Therefore, I'm calling for a moratorium on the following subjects and punchlines:

Hillary Clinton: pantsuits

Bill Clinton: he likes girls

John McCain: he's too old

George W. Bush: he's stupid (although it's contextual; he's stupid one minute, but the next he's brilliant enough to fake 9/11 and scam the entire world into a war)

Those punchlines are as old as John McCain. Bill Clinton can't even get any more dates using them. Bush doesn't understand them, and they haven't changed since the last time Hillary wore a dress.

And speaking of Hillary, is it ironic that Barack Obama is asking people to bail her out of her campaign debt?

Maybe she should get a part-time job like most Americans would have to do. But I'm sure they know that being champions of the common people.

The Least You Should Know (6/27)

There’s a new museum in Maine featuring gas station artifacts. It reminds visitors of the old days -- the pumps, the signs, the clean bathrooms...

The Least You Should Know (6/26)

There's a fast-food restaurant in Beirut, Lebanon, with a terrorism theme. It doesn’t matter where you sit; the whole place is the smoking section.

The Least You Should Know (6/25)

As a Fathers Day gift to her dad, John McCain's daughter became a Republican. Conservatives are hoping her dad does the same.

The Least You Should Know (6/19)

Barack Obama’s campaign has a web site to squelch rumors. The media is helping too. Now we know Obama isn’t Muslim and that he was born in a manger.

The Least You Should Know (6/18)

A fire severely damaged the historic Texas Governor’s Mansion. It’s the second Texas landmark to go up in flames this year. The other is Roger Clemens.

The Least You Should Know (6/17)

The International Astronomical Union renamed Pluto, since the former planet lost its significance in the solar system. Now they call it Hillary.

The Least You Should Know (6/16)

With the high price of metal people are stealing empty beer kegs and cashing in. That explains all the college students reporting stolen furniture...

Happy Father's Day

Here's to the dads. Thanks for teaching us how to be men...

The Least You Should Know (6/12)

A salmonella scare has forced a nationwide tomato recall. A tainted tomato can make you sick; that’s why McDonald’s isn’t putting them on those 1,000-calorie hamburgers.

The Least You Should Know (6/11)

At a conference in Mecca, Saudi King Abdullah called on his people to end Islamic extremism. Anybody who doesn’t will be tortured.

The Least You Should Know (6/9)

The mastermind of the 9/11 attacks said he wants a death sentence. So the judge gave him a Red Sox shirt and sent him to the Bronx.

Chinese Repossess Space Station Toilet

BEIJING -- Days after flight engineer Oleg Kononenko replaced the pump on the malfunctioning toilet at the International Space Station, collection agents from the Chinese government took it all away.

According to a spokesman for the Chinese, the decision to take the only toilet in space wasn’t easy. Through a translator he released a statement.

“We don’t like to re-po toilets, but Americans owe us a lot of money; we have to start collecting. NASA is avoiding us. So we call the astronauts each day since they bought the toilet. They never called back. We even stopped by the Space Station and rang the doorbell. They pretend they weren’t home but we could see them peeking through the curtains.”

NASA is taking swift action. They plan to bid on the space toilet when the Chinese auction it on eBay.

The Least You Should Know (6/5)

Disneyland closed their water ride, "It's a Small World," because overweight children made the boats scrape the bottom. Apparently it’s not a small world after all.

The Least You Should Know (6/4)

There was a big fire at Universal Studios in California that destroyed a video vault. Universal hasn’t seen anything burn this fast since Saved by the Bell: The College Years.

The Least You Should Know (6/3)

The Mars Lander cruised at 12,000 mph but landed gently with the aid of friction and parachutes. The idea was designed by a driver’s ed. teacher.

The Least You Should Know (5/30)

A court ruled that paper currency discriminates against blind people. You know the difference between a $1 bill and a $50 bill? The fifty doesn’t smell like church.

The Least You Should Know (5/29)

NASA’s Mars Lander arrived on the Red Planet after a 10-month, 422-million mile trip. The first thing it did was look for a bathroom.

The Least You Should Know (5/28)

A website is offering advertising opportunities for Lindsay Lohan’s 22nd birthday. So far the only sponsor is a guy who sells fur coats out of his trunk.

The Least You Should Know (5/27)

Gas prices are causing problems on old-fashioned gas pumps because the spinning dials stop at $3.99. Maybe Hillary Clinton should fix them; the pumps would never stop rolling...

Milk Executives Defend Profits

WASHINGTON -- Executives from big milk companies were called to testify before the Senate Judiciary Committee to explain their swelling profits as milk prices hit a record average of $3.79 a gallon.

“What we have at work here is a fundamental system of supply and demand,” said Jed Simon, president of Milkinyoo Dairy.

“Memorial Day weekend is coming up; more people are going to be eating ice cream and fudge cicles. It’s the summer dairy season.”

Lawmakers appeared leery and sometimes hostile to executives' testimony. “To me it was just a litany of complaints that you're all just hapless victims of a system," said Sen. Dianne Feinstein, California Democrat.

But Red Hofmeister, executive vice president of CrazyCowz, Inc., said Congress is to blame. “We’ve been unable to produce more milk because environmentalists won’t let our cows pass gas. Our girls get awfully uncomfortable.”

“Besides that, our cows are tired, they’re old. The only way to produce more milk is to explore other areas to build more dairies. Like Alaska… and the Outer Continental Shelf off the U.S. coast.”

“If we’re not allowed to do that, Americans gotta break the addiction to dairy.”

The Least You Should Know (5/23)

It's been proven that euthanized filly Eight Belles was not on steroids. Not once did she date a female teenage country singer.

The Least You Should Know (5/22)

In Texas, a substitute teacher showed up to class drunk. The other teachers are appalled that a sub has a key to the faculty lounge.

The Least You Should Know (5/21)

In July, Comedy Central is bringing back the 70’s variety program, “The Gong Show.” They’ll have a new gong this time; movie directors wore out the original one every time a Chinese man entered the room.

The Least You Should Know (5/20)

HBO’s NFL training camp show “Hard Knocks” will follow the Dallas Cowboys again this year. The Cincinnati Bengals training camp will also be on HBO -- on “Oz

No Country for Grown Men

As I was looking for the Spurs/Hornets game last night I came across a show on ESPN 2 called Madden Nation. Apparently I'm not paying attention because a whole nation has been created. These people are intense.

I've since researched this Madden Nation and discovered it's a country of 10 million people. Naturally, Brett Favre is the president.

After about 3 minutes of watching this program it hit me that I was watching a show about people playing a video game. How lazy have we become? We don't even have the energy to actually play the video game; we watch other people do it.

I couldn't believe people would want to spend a beautiful spring evening in front of the TV watching other people play a game narrated by the Ace Hardware spokesman.

I was disgusted, so I changed my mind. I didn't watch NBA basketball last night.

I enjoyed nature, by watching a fishing show on the Outdoor Network.

The Least You Should Know (5/15)

A Minnesota woman bit a pit bull on the nose to stop it from attacking her Labrador retriever. Even though it was a pit bull, she said it tasted like Shih Tzu.

The Least You Should Know (5/14)

Seized tapes prove the New England Patriots stole offensive signals from the Miami Dolphins. That was the game the Patriots had 27 turnovers.

The Least You Should Know (5/13)

Roger Clemens' mistress Mindy McCready claimed she was 17 when they met, not 15. What difference does two years make? About 10 to 15 according to Massachusetts law.

The Least You Should Know (5/12)

A popular gift this Mother’s Day was the Hillary Clinton watch. It’s not always accurate, but it runs a lot longer than it should.

Happy Mother's Day

I have nothing but praise for moms. The ones who let us lick the beaters when they make a cake, and especially the ones who turn off the mixer first.

Thank you moms for showing us guys -- young and old -- what giving, compassion, and kindness is.

The Least You Should Know (5/9)

Campbell's Soup Company is planning a new line of soups aimed at senior citizens. The most popular is expected to be the alphabet soup with large letters.

Clinton Wants Motel Room Tax Holiday

(WASHINGTON ) Trying to reach moderate voters, New York Senator Hillary Clinton is adding to her controversial proposed holiday on gas taxes. Now she’s calling for a holiday on motel room taxes.

The aim of the proposal is to gain the confidence of middle-class Americans who want to vacation this summer and stay in motels. But winning votes isn’t the only reason she supports the room tax holiday.

The Clintons' tax records reveal that Bill still visits a lot of motels.

Political pundits acknowledge that even though the former President has slowed down, he still has game.

“I just loaned my campaign 6.4 million dollars," Mrs. Clinton said. "Last year my husband paid nearly two million in room taxes. That’s money my family really could have used in a recession…started by George Bush.”

A source for the Clinton campaign said that a holiday on the 11 percent room tax would be made up in other places, specifically by taxing the motels and their windfall profits.

“It’s time for this crooked administration to stop lining the pockets of their wealthy cronies – like Tom Bodet.”

The Least You Should Know (5/8)

The Center for Disease Control says measles may be making a comeback. It’s the most-feared comeback since The New Kids on the Block.

The Least You Should Know (5/7)

Paris Hilton is banned from the Moscow Hyatt Hotel for allegedly writing her name on the wall in her room. Even worse, she misspelled it.

The Least You Should Know (5/6)

In the wake of her controversial pictures, Disney is ordering Miley Cyrus to stay out of the spotlight. So now she co-hosts the CBS Evening News with Katie Couric.

The Least You Should Know (5/5)

Since June of last year, a man from England says he ate 1,500 cans of beans and lost 140 pounds. Plus 13 friends and 7 jobs.

The Least You Should Know (5/2)

Disneyland creators are thinking about building a theme park in Iraq. Symbolically, the park will have a big entrance and no exit.

The Least You Should Know (5/1)

Engineers at Nissan have developed an apparatus that allows engineers to experience what it feels like to be an elderly driver. It's called a Lincoln Town Car.

The Least You Should Know (4/30)

A church in Italy has exhumed the body of a saint and put it on display for public viewing. Officials got the idea when CNN extended Larry King’s contract.

The Least You Should Know (4/29)

Airlines are now serving first-class travelers meals that are cooked by different world-famous chefs. Passengers in coach get meals from a famous chef too – Chef Boyardee.

The Least You Should Know (4/24)

Earlier this week the New York Knicks fired Isiah Thomas as their head coach. I’m not saying he was unpopular in New York, but even Eliot Spitzer said he should be fired.

The Least You Should Know (4/23)

Danica Patrick became the first female to win an IndyCar event. Men are pointing to the fact that she not only finished first, but she did it without asking for directions.

The Least You Should Know (4/21)

Snoop Dogg is coming out with a series of children’s books. The first one is called Dick and Mary Jane.

The Least You Should Know (4/18)

Jimmy Carter met with a Palestinian terrorist in Syria. It's easy to understand his thinking. Gas prices are up, the economy is down, and Americans are worried about their future. The guy thinks he’s still President.

The Least You Should Know (4/17)

The Pope is in the middle of a 5-day U.S. trip. It was only supposed to be 2 days, but the Vatican booked him on American Airlines.

The Least You Should Know (4/14)

A woman in Scotland was given 2 years’ probation for chewing off part of a man's ear after he called her fat. It was the highest rated beauty pageant in history.

The Least You Should Know (4/11)

Brett Favre suggested he may return to the Green Bay Packers if new quarterback Aaron Rodgers goes down with an injury. This explains why John Madden asked Tonya Harding if she still has that lead pipe.

The Least You Should Know (4/7)

This week 81 years ago, the first successful demonstration of television took place. The transmission was primitive and had no entertainment value, so not much has changed in 81 years.

The Least You Should Know (4/4)

Air America has suspended liberal talk show host Randi Rhodes for a profane-laced nightclub act targeting Hillary Clinton. That’s amazing; Air America is still on the air?

The Least You Should Know (4/3)

Al Qaeda’s second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahri released a video where he answers questions submitted from around the world. Most people want to know the same thing: how is it possible that Obama bowled a 37?

The Least You Should Know (4/1)

In California, doctors made medical history by removing a man’s appendix through his mouth. Now the hospital is baffled at all the women cancelling their scheduled C-sections.

The Least You Should Know (3/28)

The Baseball Players Union is investigating why no team is offering Barry Bonds a contract this year. He says he can still play if somebody will just give him a shot.

The Least You Should Know (3/27)

The gun of a U.S. Airways pilot accidentally went off during a flight from Denver to Charlotte. Nobody was hurt, but it ruined his flask.

The Least You Should Know (3/25)

On this day in 1896, the modern Olympics began in Greece. There are only 2 things that started in 1896 that we still refer to as “modern:” the Olympics, and Larry King.

The Least You Should Know (3/23)

Harry Houdini was born on this day in 1874. It was his first escape act.

It Ain't so Wise

I had my wisdom teeth removed yesterday. In hindsight I should have asked the dentist to return them to me, given what the Tooth Fairy pays these days. Of course, then the IRS would be on me about unreported income...

They suggested I put a tea bag in my mouth to help the clotting process. Good idea, but I'm not sure what to do with that little string. It just dangles out of my mouth. It looks like I'm hiding a mouse.

The Least You Should Know (3/17)

When asked why Dick Cheney is flying to the Middle East today President Bush said, “He has to. Gas is too expensive to drive.”

The Least You Should Know (3/13)

Jack Kevorkian is running for Congress. You don't want to know his solution to fix health care.

The Least You Should Know (3/12)

On this day in 1894, the first professional striptease took place in Paris. According to reports, he rocked.

Client 9

Here's my take on the Elliot Spitzer story: I don't get it.

I never understood the attraction to the whole prostitution thing. Heck, I feel emasculated for hiring a plumber to fix something I should know how to do.

In the FBI report he's known as Client 9. You know who has to be the most nervous about all of this? Numbers 1 through 8.

Maybe Elliot should have been doing his activities at a Holiday Inn Express. At least then he could fool people into thinking he's a smart man. "I'm not actually an ethical governor, but I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

The Least You Should Know (3/10)

Amy Winehouse is launching a line of beauty products. It gives new meaning to the phrase "powdering your nose."

The Least You Should Know (3/7)

Pasadena, Calif., designated the first week of March as “No Cussing Week.” It’s definitely not the time to rearrange the furniture.

The Least You Should Know (3/3)

In China, a plane was grounded so the crew could search for a pet mouse that escaped from a passenger's pocket. The mouse hid where nobody would find it – in the luggage.

The Least You Should Know (2/29)

Barack Obama's church might be in trouble with the IRS for letting him make a political speech at church. The media is confused that anybody would badger God in his own house.

The Least You Should Know (2/27)

Barack Obama said if they make a movie about his life, he wants Will Smith to play him. And Michelle Obama said if she gets to play herself, that would be her proudest moment.

The Least You Should Know (2/25)

Hillary Clinton accused Barack Obama of using tactics from the playbook of Karl Rove. It appears that after losing 10 primaries in a row, Hillary is using tactics from the playbook of the Miami Dolphins.

The Least You Should Know (2/24)

Cuban lawmakers met to name a successor to dictator Fidel Castro. Many believe it will be Bobby Knight.

The Least You Should Know (2/22)

Fidel Castro wants a vacation because he’s exhausted. In fact, he’s catching the next bathtub to Miami.

The Least You Should Know (2/21)

Dallas prosecutors released transcripts of an alleged conversation between Lee Harvey Oswald and Jack Ruby conspiring to kill JFK. The FBI thinks it’s fake because their conversation took place in a chat room.

The Least You Should Know (2/18)

Vanna White turns 51 today. Her cake says Ha_py Bir_hda_!

The Least You Should Know (2/13)

Dolly Parton postponed her tour because her breasts are putting too much strain on her back. It’s the same thing that happened to Michael Moore.

The Least You Should Know (2/12)

Scientists tracked a leatherback turtle across the Pacific that traveled 13,000 miles in 647 days. Then the turtle had to go back because he couldn't remember if he turned off the iron.

The Least You Should Know (2/11)

Brian McNamee handed over syringes and gauze pads that allegedly contain the DNA of Roger Clemens. What ever happened to collecting baseball cards?

The Least You Should Know (2/6)

An Italian study suggests that high heals may lead to a better sex life. That may be true, but the challenge is finding them small enough for a man.

The Least You Should Know (2/5)

Patriots defensive back Willie Andrews was busted for pot on Tuesday. Until his teammates saw the replay they thought he was stoned during the Super Bowl when he said, “Dude. That guy just caught a pass with his helmet.”

Tom Brady and Me

Now that Tom Brady isn't perfect I have to pick up the slack. I have to be perfect because today broke I my backspace key. This isn't a god thing for a writer.

You don't raelize the value of such a key until you dont' have it any more. On the bright side, my { key and my = key still work.

Excuse me while I swear (@#&%*). Okay, I feel butter.

The Least You Should Know (2/2)

On this day in 1998, Texas executed Karla Faye Tucker. She's been the only female executed in Texas since 1984, but that's only because Jessica Simpson hasn't gone back to Dallas.

The Least You Should Know (2/1)

Saxophonist Kenny G left Arista Records after 25 years. Now he's cutting out the middle man and will do live performances in elevators.

The Least You Should Know (1/31)

A statue of Kentucky Derby winner Barbaro will be placed in front of Churchill Downs. But it's not without controversy; he was named in the Mitchell Report.

A Rebate?

It's troubling to know that in Washington there are creepy Congressmen talking about a stimulating package, and Tuesday they'll debate it on the floor of the House.

Even more troubling is the language they use when describing the double espresso shot to the economy. I understand that my family could qualify for a "rebate" check, based on income and how many people in my house call me Dad.

Okay. Awfully nice of them to send some money since it used to be mine and I didn't go all Wesley Snipes.

The rebate I'm concerned about is the $300 given to the people who don't make enough to pay taxes. Isn't a rebate a partial refund for something that has already been paid? They aren't paying anything in, but now get a check. I want that job.

This is nothing more than welfare. When I was a kid I kept buying bottles of Pepsi because they had a promotion offering rebates for crappy stuff that I couldn't live without. I think in the end I got a free bottle of the devilish beverage that cost me around $27.00. Essentially, I paid for a lucky kid somewhere who got even better crappy stuff after buying just one bottle.

People in the upper income bracket -- those who pay the most taxes -- are out of luck. They went and became too successful for the rebate.

If this sweepstakes gets through Congress, the tax-paying grownups are paying for the first-time Pepsi winners. Let's call it what it is: re-distribution. But that doesn't sound as cool as rebate.

The Least You Should Know (1/25)

A fire broke out Friday at the Monte Carlo hotel-casino on the Las Vegas Strip. Officials say the fire was started by a pair discarded pants belonging to one of the candidates after last weekend's caucus.

The Least You Should Know (1/24)

On this day 35 years ago the Beatles reached #1 on the U.S. music charts with "I Want to Hold Your Hand," a song written by a young Larry Craig.

The Least You Should Know (1/23)

John Edwards told David Letterman that because he's running against a woman and a black man he feels like a minority. He should; it can't be easy being a liberal.

The Least You Should Know (1/22)

Osama bin Laden’s son Omar says he wants to be a peace advocate. Close friends say he’s following the lead of his brother, Martin Luther bin Laden.

The Least You Should Know (1/21)

ABC announced they’re going to remake “Circus of the Stars.” They got the idea from reading The Globe.

The Least You Should Know (1/17)

The FDA says that over-the-counter cold medicines are risky for children under two. Apparently it makes them throw food from their high chairs.

The Least You Should Know (1/15)

A Florida teenager faces charges for using a knife to try and steal a cheeseburger at Burger King. Apparently she didn’t get it her way.

The Least You Should Know (1/11)

A company in India created a 4-passenger car that sells new for $2,500. Of course that’s the base price; you’ll pay more for the extras -- like doors.

The Least You Should Know (1/8)

Two men who disrupted a Hillary Clinton rally by shouting, "Iron my shirt" said they oppose the thought of a woman in the White House. Later they showed up at a John Edwards rally.

The Least You Should Know (1/7)

Animal advocates are hoping that recent dogfighting scandals will force lawmakers to pass tougher animal abuse laws. The most vocal about animal abuse are dogs dressed in sweaters.

I Don't Care About Religion

So much has been made about Mitt Romney's religion during the last two months. He's Mormon. And?

I'm Catholic, but I know a little summin' about the the LDS Church.

• They follow the same 10 Commandments as we do
  
• They're family centered
  
• Many of them volunteer two years on missions to share the teachings of the church (yah, I know -- Al Gore has spent more than two years spreading the global warming gospel).
  
• Mormons teach that the body is a temple and should not be polluted with alcohol, caffeine, and cigarettes.
  
• They believe in abstenence
  
• They respect life

Sounds like a good list for anybody claiming to be conservative. As a guy who would love to multiply his hairs, I'm certainly not going to split them on what one religion believes is the best way to get into heaven.

The Least You Should Know (1/4)

The official overseeing Madonna’s adoption of David Banda said Madonna is the “perfect mother.” She went on to add, “Not like Norma Arnold perfect, but more like Tom Arnold perfect.”

The Least You Should Know (1/3)

A teenager in London extinguished the flames of a kitchen fire by grabbing a pair of his mom’s size-20 underwear. In other news, Britney Spears' house burned down.