Bush Vows Postage Independence

Listening to complaints about the recent increase in stamps, President Bush spoke from the Oval Office and vowed to break America’s dependence on postage.

“We have a serious problem. America is addicted to postage, which is often used in unstable parts of the world. I’m not exempt, I admit. I use postage every time I mail a letter.”

With shrinking approval numbers the President is looking to strengthen support on domestic issues, citing the need to fix a system that has been broken for a long time.

“The U.S. Postal Service was a good idea at the time. But now we have other measures to relay messages—email, phones, gossip.”

Bush set a goal for the United States to be completely independent of any postage by the year 2025. A tall order, he admits, but feels confident that all old people who don’t use technology will be dead by then.

Though many are excited about the President’s vision, Congressional Democrats remain skeptical.

An irritated John Kerry stopped on his way to the mailbox and rhetorically asked, “How many more envelopes have to go to a dead letter office, Mr. President? We must be aggressive and end the American dependency on postage by the end of the week.”

How About John Edwards' Hair?

According to Time Magazine, President Bush is not one of the 100 most influential people to shape the world. Okaaay. Apparently Sadaam was not available for comment.

The next time liberals are running around with their hair on fire because he mispronounces nook-you-lur, or when those unemployed guys in the Middle East are burning him in effigy, let’s remember how Bush carries less influence than Flavor Flav.

Influential doesn’t have to mean the person is loved by everybody (see #63, Elvira).

I can understand how he got bumped. If the leader of the most powerful nation in the galaxy makes the list it leaves no room for others like the Malibu city permits manager (#44), the cat of one of Time’s editors (#57), and Sanjaya’s hair (#20).

Of course, you have to question a magazine that would name me as its Person of the Year. The good thing is that subscriptions to Time will increase if Sheryl Crow gets her way with that one square thing.