Weekly Review 3/30/07

• At 7 feet, 9 inches, the world’s tallest man married a woman who is 5’6”. The bride was carried across the threshold while standing on the man’s right shoulder.
  
  
• Sirius Satellite Radio is launching television service exclusively in Chrysler cars later this year, but to get reception the cars always have to face south.
  
  
• Goodyear is sponsoring a contest where one student from each of the Final Four schools shoots a ball from a blimp 500 feet in the air at a hoop 100 feet wide. The winner receives a prize package from Goodyear and a contract with the Memphis Grizzlies.
  
  
• A female umpire worked a Major League Baseball exhibition game. It took over 8 hours because she kept changing her mind.
  
  
• A Maryland woman says her golden retriever saw her choking on a piece of apple and performed the Heimlich maneuver to save her life. Then he gnawed her leg off.
  
  
• The caterer at a university dormitory in Bangladesh has been fired after students complained they were served dog meat. Students grew suspicious when a hamburger performed the Heimlich maneuver on a choking student.

Weekly Review 3/23/07

• A Nebraska college basketball coach was back on the bench for a game just 5 hours after she had a baby at the hospital. It’s a boy—at least that’s what she thinks the doctor yelled across the parking lot.
  
  
• The U.N. Security Council agreed in principle on stronger sanctions against Iran for enriching uranium. The bold new sanctions include the sentence, “Hey, cut it out. We really mean it this time. Please don’t hurt us.”
  
  
• Chinese officials say they will crack down on public spitting when the 2008 Olympics are in Beijing. Consequently, Tonya Harding won’t be attending.
  
  
• Wal-Mart is dropping its bid to establish a bank. Apparently they couldn’t find a source to provide toasters to new customers.
  
  
• Surgeons completed the first spinal transplant in China. Americans are excited because politicians will have the chance to get a spine.
  
  
• Seven members of the British Royal Navy were sickened by a toxic gas when someone cleaning a toilet area mixed ammonia and bleach. The case is being investigated by a special cleansing agent.
  
  
• A German belly dancer was awarded $24,000 compensation after a plastic surgeon accidentally sucked away one of her buttocks. In a show of kindness, thousands of American women volunteered to donate theirs.
  

Tooth Fairy to Charge Fee for Tooth Disposal

In step with a slowing economy and environmental concerns, the Tooth Fairy announced he/she will be charging a fee for disposing of lost baby teeth.

"I've been doing this for hundreds of years. My garage is getting full," said the Fairy via cell phone at a Rangers-Bruins hockey game.

"I like teeth. I really do. But we can't just have them piling up. I have storage units all over the world. Do you know what those things cost each month?"

More than just economics, however, the decision is about an awareness that the general public has about the environment. "The government is coming down with new policy and I have to address it. I'm kind of like the city landfill. Without the bulldozer and sludge."

"I also think this will slow some people who think they're fooling me, like that old man from Florida who tried to cash in on his wife's dentures. Then there was that boy Lefty, from Oklahoma I think, who pulled a tooth from his dog."

The new disposal fee is a switch for children, whom traditionally get money in exchange for a lost tooth placed under their pillow. It's a tradition carried over from the Old World, and for years it generated income for early pioneers in North America. Not only did they have larger families than today, but research also shows they had bad teeth.

The Tooth Fairy is sad that the new policy will eliminate middle-of-the-night prowling in homes worldwide, but also feels the disposal fee is for the best. "It's like having a root canal. Sure it hurts, but you still have that giggly feeling."

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Find this article and other Tooth Fairy news at www.littlegreenball.com

Q and A Comedy

So what do four comedians in a car have in common with the average person picking up a hitchhiker? They all want to avoid hacks! Bwhahahahaha. Sorry about that.

My friends Chris Quimby and Josh Alves are making a road trip to Montreal to compete in Comedy Central's Last Comic Standing. The audition is Saturday (3/17).

You can follow the road trip right down to the last french fry under the seat. Check out their site, www.qandacomedy.com

Weekly Review 3/9/07

• Doctors say a blood thinner will be used to dissolve the clot in Dick Cheney’s leg. I thought salt was the best way to dissolve ice.
  
  
• A 91-year-old Florida man is challenging 92-year-old fitness guru Jack LaLanne to a boxing match. Plans are underway for a movie about the match, “Aging Bull.”
  
  
• Another model says she’s carrying the child of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, the second woman in a month to make the claim. The announcement forced the quarterback to scramble as he’s now looking at double coverage.
  
  
• Because he worked with Anna Nicole Smith in a 1994 movie, O.J. Simpson claims he could be Dannielynn’s father since he has slow-moving sperm. Don’t laugh. The mother of his other children is dead too.
  
  
• A Salt Lake City man tried to run over his wife with a car one day after their wedding. Police report that the back window said, “Just Buried!”
  
  
• After a fender bender, a Florida woman ran over the other motorist trying to exchange insurance information and drove with her on the hood for over a mile. Bail was set at $10,000, later posted by a Salt Lake City man who had been married less than one day.

Road Trips Defined

Although there may be more than four types of road trips, most can be packed into the following categories neater than a hitchhiker in the trunk.

The Bullet

The Bullet is when you absolutely positively have to be there overnight. Not for any particular event, you just have to get there in record time. The Bullet defined my childhood travel. My dad should have worked for Federal Express because we often passed the trucks along the side of the road in the middle of the night.

To further enhance the Bullet, my father couldn’t hear well so he turned toward the back seat to read our lips, gradually pulling the car to the shoulder. It wasn’t until driver’s education that I realized that wasn’t a fancy passing lane.

The Funeral

This could also be called the Wedding or the Graduation. Because everybody knows a person who will die, get married or graduate, this one is inevitable. It’s the obligatory road trip; the kind where you see people you haven’t seen in 8 years, knowing it will be that long until the next encounter. Unless somebody dies before then.


The Pro

Every industry has at least one professional organization that requests your attendance at the annual conference. Enter the Pro. The Pro is a chance to cram in a vehicle with coworkers you liked before the trip. If you’re lucky, the summit of the Pro is an opportunity to share a motel room and discover even more quirky habits of your officemate.

The Fella

Sometimes the Fella road trip has a point. According to most wives, however, the Fella is a pointless opportunity for men to get together and act stupid. Technically, this type of road trip does have a pre-determined destination. It just takes a while to reach it. The Fella is characterized by role playing in convenience stores, trying new comedy on restaurant patrons, and testing the base on the factory stereo.

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Find this article and other valuable road trip info at www.littlegreenball.com

Weekly Review 3/2/07

• Anna Nicole Smith was buried in a custom-made gown today. It’s been more than three weeks since she died, so I’m guessing that custom dress somehow involves duct tape.
  
  
• A New Jersey doctor was fined $5,000 for severing a hand from a cadaver and giving it to a stripper. Apparently, she doesn’t take handouts.
  
  
• The Army fired the Walter Reid Hospital commander amid allegations of mouse and cockroach infestations. He has since been hired to manage the neighborhood Taco Bell.
  
  
• The estate of Cory Lidle is being sued by a dentist who claims his house was destroyed in the ballplayer’s fatal plane crash. I hope he knows it’s like pulling teeth trying to get money from an estate.
  
  
• An Indiana man faces charges for trying to cash a check supposedly signed by God. Upon further investigation, the IRS fined God for not withholding Social Security taxes.