The Least You Should Know (12/31)

Nobody has asked him, but Scottie Pippen says he should be the next coach of the Chicago Bulls because he has experience playing in championship games. Michael Jordan's coat tails had no comment.

The Least You Should Know (12/21)

On this day in 1913 Charlie Chaplin appeared in the first feature-length silent film comedy. Apparently the Writers Guild was on strike then too.

The Least You Should Know (12/19)

Since October 1st, the Border Patrol says its agents have been assaulted 250 times by illegal immigrants. Now the agents stay away from the kitchen at that restaurant.

The Least You Should Know (12/13)

George Washington died on this day in 1799. He used to be known as the father of his country; not to be confused with Tom Brady, who's trying to father the country.

The Least You Should Know (12/12)

After seeing his numbers slip in Iowa, Mitt Romney received more bad news today; Steelers defensive back Anthony Smith guaranteed he’ll win the Republican nomination.

The Least You Should Know (12/11)

Friday Barry Bonds pleaded not guilty to charges that he lied about using steroids. He didn't help himself in court when he asked for a glass of water and a bucket of oats.

The Least You Should Know (12/7)

Bill Clinton’s former fling Gennifer Flowers might vote for Hillary. She said for a long time she’s wanted to have a woman in the White House which, ironically, is what Bill used to say.

The Least You Should Know (12/6)

Government officials and activists traveling to Indonesia for the UN climate change meeting will each produce an average 4.07 metric tons of carbon dioxide. That's equal to 20,000 cars in a year, or 7 farting cows in an afternoon.

The Least You Should Know (12/5)

A British hospital has agreed to turn the beds of Muslim patients to face Mecca. Likewise, they’ll turn the beds of Atheists to face an empty wall.

The Least You Should Know (12/4)

In Tokyo, an employee for Toyota died of over work when he logged more than 106 hours of overtime in a month. You can see why; his job was to make the Prius look cool.

The Least You Should Know (12/3)

The early episodes of Sesame Street are out on DVD, but they’re not politically correct. Oscar's trash can consumes too much energy and the Cookie Monster has high cholesterol.

The Least You Should Know (11/28)

CNN apologized to Hugo Chavez for running his image next to a caption that read, "Who killed him?" The network said it was an accident and they intended to post the caption next to a picture of President Bush.

The Least You Should Know (11/27)

On this day in 1839, the American Statistical Association was founded in Boston. That was 168 years ago and there's still no accounting for taste.

The Least You Should Know (11/21)

In Britain, a 102-year-old woman posed nude for a charity calendar. Symbolically, the calendar is printed on an old bag.

The Least You Should Know (11/19)

Paris Hilton denies reports she's adopting the cause of binge-drinking elephants in India. Last month 4 elephants got drunk, uprooted a power pole, and knocked out the electricity. It was the highest rated Springer show in years.

Welcome Hunters

A brilliant marketing idea by the pheasants of western Kansas. Odds of survival increase greatly if the hunters have blurred vision.

What the picture doesn't show is the hunting dogs marching with their picket signs.

The Least You Should Know (11/15)

A Georgia warden wants to buy satellite TV so inmates can watch football. He says it's a research tool so they’ll have something to talk about when O.J. arrives.

The Least You Should Know (11/12)

Scientists say that the universe weighs less than originally thought because it contains less dark matter than early researched indicated. Today Al Sharpton began a boycott of the universe.

The Least You Should Know (11/8)

Rosie O'Donnell's talk show deal with MSNBC fell through. The cable channel wouldn't meet her demands and give her a microphone.

The Least You Should Know (11/7)

Hillary Clinton said in a CNN interview that she’s answered 5,000 questions in the last 10 months. Most of the answers were, "Yes, Bill -- I'll be home at the regular time tonight."

The Least You Should Know (11/2)

According to Forbes magazine Elvis Presley is the highest earning dead celebrity, finishing just ahead of Keith Richards.

The Least You Should Know (11/1)

Don Imus is expected to return to the airwaves Dec. 3. Details are sketchy but it sounds like he'll be covering sports as a color commentator.

The Least You Should Know (10/25)

There’s a company in Oklahoma that sells fake excuse notes. For $25 you can get a note that explains your absence because you were "seeing the doctor," or "reporting for jury duty," or "visiting a strip club for your wife's presidential run..."

The Least You Should Know (10/24)

On this day in 1939 the first nylon stockings were sold. Before this burglars had to wear gym socks on their heads.

The Least You Should Know (10/19)

Officials say tequila lovers across the world should be leery of a counterfeit tequila because it causes brain damage. Apparently the brain stops getting sufficient oxygen when people choke on the gummy worm.

The Least You Should Know (10/17)

On this day in 1949, Northwest Airlines became the first in the U.S. to serve alcoholic beverages in flight. It went so well they eventually served alcohol to the passengers too.

The Least You Should Know (10/15)

Renowned stuntman Bud Ekins died last week in Los Angeles. He died of natural causes; specifically, fire.

The Least You Should Know (10/12)

Warner Brothers wants to make 3 new Terminator movies, with Vin Diesel taking over the role that Arnold Schwarzenegger played. They considered Al Gore but he just doesn’t have the personality to play a robot.

The Least You Should Know (10/11)

Workers at Chrysler walked off the job; not to be confused with owners of Chryslers who walk to their jobs.

Does This Seem Odd?

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid and many Democrats are demanding that Rush Limbaugh apologize for demoralizing the trooops.

At issue is when Limbaugh refered to the "phony soldiers" -- some enlisted men claiming they've witnessed out-of-control soldiers raping and terrorizing innocent Iraqis, only to find out these men never left the States. This sounds like John Kerry (who, by the way served in Vietnam) when he betrayed the military 35 years ago.

Now, Senator Reid -- the guy who months ago knew more than anybody else in the world when he declared "the war is lost" -- is concerned that the troops' morale is hurt. Is this guy serious? Limbaugh has raised millions of dollars for the troops, and has been an advocate for the military for years.

Last year Americans went to the polls and showed they wanted a different Congress. No doubt we got one. This Congress has a lower approval rating than the last, and it's easy to understand why with a guy like Reid as one of the voices.

The Least You Should Know (9/20)

Rumors are out that Michael and Janet Jackson will go on tour next year. Janet will keep her clothes on, and Michael, his nose.

The Least You Should Know (9/17)

Arnold Schwarzenegger said that if Republicans want to win, they have to become more like him. This explains why Fred Thompson announced he's going to star in several bad movies.

The Least You Should Know (9/13)

NASA scientists announced the finding of a star that sucks material and energy from everything around it. They call it, "Britney."

The Least You Should Know (9/12)

Fred Thompson said freedom-loving Iraqis are siding with the U.S. because al Qaeda won’t let them smoke.

Well, that and we have the NFL Network.

The Bar is on the Ground...

Two days before the anniversary of 9/11, there was a cultural thermometer that had to make even terrorists feel sympathetic towards the U.S. I'm sure as they watched the MTV Video Music Awards -- and I'm sure Osama did given his apparent love for video -- they wondered how we're even able to fight this war.

While our soldiers are carrying 80 pounds of equipment on their backs in 100-plus heat, the media was heating up to watch Britney Spears open the VMA's. Obviously it didn't go well. Why are we surprised? She didn't have talent before this. Though dancing is (was) her strength, she stumbled around that night. Maybe Larry Craig should show her how to have a wider stance.

The only thing that helped Britney look good was Miss Teen South Carolina, appearing in a sad attempt to look smarter than she did last month answering a pageant question. Didn't work; perhaps she would have done better if she had a map.

Meanwhile, Kid Rock was slapping around Tommy Lee. Apparently they showed up wearing the same sleeveless shirt and it didn't sit well with Kid.

Through Sarah Silverman's bad jokes and narcissistic acceptance speeches from tabloid fodder, there wasn't one word about our soldiers.

Apparently Britney's underwear, P. Daffy's music, and Kanye's tantrums are what matter. Just when you thought the cultural bar couldn't get any lower, the media props up another bimbo without character.

America has lost it's focus. The feelings of post 9/11 are gone. We were angry and we were sad, but we were a team. There were no politics; we knew what was important, at least for a few weeks.

Sadly, it's going to take another catastrophe for us to raise the bar again. Right now it's hard because Larry Craig's gay shoes and Barry Bonds' syringes are hanging on it. We need to put trivia aside and realize what matters.

Don't get me wrong -- I don't claim to have the answers; I don't even know where to find the answers. However, I'm pretty sure we won't find them in pictures of Britney's crotch.

The Least You Should Know (9/6)

Al Qaeda announced Osama bin Laden will release a new video soon.

He'll reportedly comment on the subprime lending rate that led to foreclosure on his cave.

The Least You Should Know (9/4)

Research reveals that the Great Wall of China is eroding. Apparently it’s the only thing built in China that doesn’t contain lead.

The Least You Should Know (9/3)

On this day in 1935, Sir Malcolm Campbell became the first person to drive a car 300 miles an hour. The next day he had his brakes fixed.

The Least You Should Know (8/31)

President Bush outlined a plan for homeowners facing foreclosure. The plan centers on the finer points of backing a U-Haul into the driveway.

The Least You Should Know (8/30)

Harrah's announced that they're building an arena in Las Vegas capable of housing an NBA team. They also announced the only referee will be Tim Donaghy.

The Least You Should Know (8/28)

Ailing Cuban leader Fidel Castro said he wants Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama to team up and win the U.S. presidential election, proving that he’s sicker than anybody knew.

The Least You Should Know (8/27)

A 103-year-old woman in China is training twice a day to carry the torch in the 2008 Olympics.

She's training with a recalled lead birthday candle from the U.S.

The Least You Should Know (8/24)

A 71-year-old North Carolina woman faces drug charges after police found a chest-high marijuana plant in her yard, according to the 12 college boys who visit her every day.

The Least You Should Know (8/23)

44-year-old pitcher David Wells reached an agreement with the Dodgers.

The agreement states that Wells will pitch, and the Dodgers will lose.

The Least You Should Know (8/31)

President Bush outlined a plan for homeowners facing foreclosure.

The plan centers on the finer points of backing a U-Haul into the driveway.

The Least You Should Know (8/21)

Experts say artificial life is possible in 3 to 10 years.

It could be sooner if 7-11 turns up the heat lamp on the hotdogs.

The Least You Should Know (8/20)

On this day in 1888 William Burrows received a patent for the adding machine.

119 years later Congress still gets the machines with sticking keys.

The Least You Should Know (8/17)

The funeral of game show mogul Merv Griffin drew a lot of celebrities.

Before leaving the church they received some lovely parting gifts.

The Least You Should Know (8/16)

Paris Hilton unveiled her new clothing line today.

She says the clothes are a reflection of her, which means they're cheap and cause a rash.

The Least You Should Know (8/13)

This week in 1925, the idea for Mount Rushmore was first proposed.

Architects were stone faced.

The Least You Should Know (8/15)

During an independent minor league game, former Major Leaguer Jose Offerman was arrested after charging the mound and hitting the pitcher and catcher with his bat.

It was his first multi-hit game in ten seasons.
--

While flying to London, Madonna shocked passengers by injecting herself with vitamins to boost her energy levels.

Nutritionists warn that such measures can cause long-term damage to bones and the urge to adopt third-world babies.
--

On this day in 1848 the dental chair was patented.

It was like pulling teeth to get it approved.

The Least You Should Know (8/10)

An 8-foot body made of Legos was pulled from the ocean near the Netherlands.

Officials are questioning a father of three who has a punctured foot.

The Least You Should Know (8/9)

Hurricane forecasters lowered the prediction this season to nine.

That's nine Al Gore breakdowns if we don’t have a hurricane soon.

The Least You Should Know (8/8)

Over 90 percent of Americans say it should be illegal to text message while driving.

It makes it difficult to load the gun.

The Least You Should Know (8/7)

Research shows that productivity among American workers is increasing.

The report is based on a 1957 survey that was released last week.

The Least You Should Know (8/6)

A Las Vegas auto dealer is fighting the City Council's order to take down his giant American flag and 109-foot pole.

It’s the only pole in Vegas without a stripper attached.

The Least You Should Know (8/3)

Rapper Kayne West says that only whites and out-of-touch black people still use the word “bling.”

Man, that is whack.

The Least You Should Know (8/2)

There’s a new video game that invites players to step into the shoes of illegal immigrants.

You get bonus points each time you help a character put on his Wal-Mart vest.

The Least You Should Know (8/1)

Former Diff’rent Strokes star Gary Coleman was cited for disorderly conduct after a heated argument with a woman.

The citation is punishable by a $750 fine and jail time with The Gooch.

The Least You Should Know (7/31)

Barry Bonds could break the homerun record during a series at Dodger Stadium beginning tonight.

It's such a big milestone, the Commissioner of the Food and Drug Administration will be there.

The Least You Should Know (7/30)

A Boston hospital now has clearance to offer partial face transplants.

Critics say politicians already have too many faces.

The Least You Should Know (7/27)

An independent panel cited heavy use of alcohol in NASA astronauts immediately preceding recent launches.


Even worse, they were pulled over in outer space and couldn’t walk a strait line.

The Least You Should Know (7/26)

48-year-old Julio Franco signed a contract through the end of the season with the Atlanta Braves.

The deal will be finalized after he passes a physical and signs his Medicare papers.

This Blog is Famous

Yah...well, it got linked to a CNN story about the air traffic controllers needing modernized equipment (see The Least You Should Know from a couple of days ago).

Scroll to the bottom and click on "From the Blogs."
http://www.cnn.com/2007/US/07/24/air.controllers.ap/index.html

I'll be signing autographs for the next 15 minutes.

The Least You Should Know (7/25)

A new study reveals that a person doubles his chance of becoming obese by having an obese friend.

An anonymous cannibal said, "Tell me about it."

Debating the Debate

The Democratic debate with YouTube videos was puzzling. Remember that this is the party so concerned about what other countries think about the United States -- We have to be careful not to offend anybody. Bush makes us look stupid and the world is watching!

Of the 3000 videos submitted, 39 aired. Those making the final cut included questions from a snowman and a woman singing about her taxes.

I'm fine with that. I like to laugh. But the next time we here cries about how Bush makes the U.S. look stupid, I'll defer to the snowman for a comment because the world is watching.

The Least You Should Know (7/24)

Air traffic controllers say the Federal Aviation Administration's lack of maintenance on aging equipment is threatening public safety.

The FAA responded by providing new batteries for their Mr. Microphones.

The Least You Should Know (7/23)

Ford Motors announced plans to make a car powered with hemp.

It comes fully loaded.

The Least You Should Know (7/20)

The FBI is investigating an NBA referee who allegedly bet on basketball games over the last two seasons.

In the meantime, he'll continue his summer job at Footlocker.

The Least You Should Know (7/19)

Tornado-ravaged Greensburg, KS, recently opened a 70-year-old time capsule found among the debris.

Inside, residents found newspapers, church membership lists, and a Bob Dole action figure.

The Least You Should Know (7/18)

World international and domestic airports handled a record 4.4 billion passengers in 2006.

Unfortunately, they’re still at the baggage carousel.

Keep the Change

Conservative taxpayer groups say today marks the day this year when the average American worker will have earned enough to pay for his share of government taxes.

It’s called “cost of government day,” or as liberals call it, ”Christmas.”

The Earth Hating Hybrid

By now you heard that Al Gore's son was arrested for going 100 mph in his Toyota Prius. Oh, in his car the officer found marijuana, Valium, Xanax and Vicodin, with no prescription.

Lay off him; he's not eating meat but instead promoting the consumption of green, leafy vegetables. Perhaps a promotion for the weekend concerts?

I'm wondering about the hybrid car. Now I care about the earth; perhaps not so much that I fly around the world spewing hundreds of thousands of gallons of jet fuel into the atmosphere to tell people the earth is dying, but I do care.

I've been lectured about my gas-drinking SUV. Accordingly, what makes me more of an earth hater is how inefficient the SUV gets for every mile per hour I drive over 55.

So here's Al Gore III, driving a hybrid that does at least 100 mph. Why does Toyota make a hybrid that goes that fast? Shouldn't it only go as high as 75 mph since that's the highest speed limit in the country (not counting my son's school zone)?

As I've been told, it's awfully inefficient to drive a car that fast.

Sorry, Not Everybody Can be Iran

A new study shows that the world trusts the U.S. less than it used to. Well, I trust Taco Bell less than I used to; but I still go there.

Call me crazy but I think you judge a country's popularity by the number of people entering and exiting. Have the illegals waltzing across the border seen this pole? Somebody should tell them that we're not that great. While we're at it, let's alert the bathtub occupants floating in from Cuba.

What about the countries needing aid when a natural disaster hits? Those shady Americans are the first on the scene with their food and money. Creeps.

Okay, so maybe we dropped the ball with Paris Hilton. No country is perfect.

Now I Get It

On Father’s Day I’m reflecting about some lessons my dad taught me.

My dad taught me to be thrifty. He bought shrink-to-fit jeans that fit him—before they were washed. He didn’t think twice about wearing them even though they shrunk an inch in the waist and two in length. He paid good money for them and couldn’t return them. He didn’t care what other people thought, and was better prepared than the rest of us when the basement flooded.

He taught me about patience. When I was nine I called him at work confessing that I broke the window in the storm door with a tennis ball. He listened to me explain how I was playing “Bob Horner,” named after the Atlanta Braves third baseman (TBS was the only cable channel we had). When Bob and I got together, I would throw the ball off the wall in the carport, make a diving stop with my baseball glove, jump to my feet and throw the guy out at first.

Well, except once when the ball slipped. When I finished Dad was quiet for about 8 million seconds and asked, “Well…did you get him out?”

He taught me how to respect women. In second grade when Belinda Begay was picking on me he didn’t tell me to punch her to protect myself. Oh sure, she outweigh me by 85 pounds but I was pretty quick when my life depended on it. Dad was an all-state football player so he taught me the stiff-arm, a technique used by the guy carrying the ball to break tackles. When the tackler is within reach you simply stiffen your free arm (not the one carrying the ball or Weekly Reader) and firmly pop them on the forehead. Running at full speed, that will knock the pursuer off balance just enough to pick up a few extra yards, or in my case get enough distance to scale the fence and run home.

I’ve always been amazed at the learning curve Dad went through. He wasn’t that bright during my teenage years, but by the time I was in my twenties he was actually pretty smart.

Neutered Dogs Protest Barker's Farewell

LOS ANGELES – Hundreds of people stood outside the CBS studios during Bob Barker’s last taping of "The Price is Right," but apparently not all of them were fond of the game show host.

A group of neutered canines marched in protest with signs admonishing Barker. At the end of the popular game show, he always suggested that viewers have their pet spayed or neutered.

A beagle carried a sign that said, “You’re Next Barker!” Other signs read, “We’ve got some painful parting gifts!” and “The Slice is Right!”

CBS security isn’t sure how the dogs got there or who made their signs, but security guard Adam Simmons suggests the animals had some help. “I think these dogs know those castrated calves outside that Wendy’s in Texas last year. They had signs too.”

Some signs today appeared to be recycled from the calf protest. A Saint Bernard held a tattered piece of cardboard that asked, “What are you going to do with those? Eat them?”

Officers say the protest was peaceful. As a precaution, Barker exited through the back door and sped away in a limousine with his head out the window.

Bush Vows Postage Independence

Listening to complaints about the recent increase in stamps, President Bush spoke from the Oval Office and vowed to break America’s dependence on postage.

“We have a serious problem. America is addicted to postage, which is often used in unstable parts of the world. I’m not exempt, I admit. I use postage every time I mail a letter.”

With shrinking approval numbers the President is looking to strengthen support on domestic issues, citing the need to fix a system that has been broken for a long time.

“The U.S. Postal Service was a good idea at the time. But now we have other measures to relay messages—email, phones, gossip.”

Bush set a goal for the United States to be completely independent of any postage by the year 2025. A tall order, he admits, but feels confident that all old people who don’t use technology will be dead by then.

Though many are excited about the President’s vision, Congressional Democrats remain skeptical.

An irritated John Kerry stopped on his way to the mailbox and rhetorically asked, “How many more envelopes have to go to a dead letter office, Mr. President? We must be aggressive and end the American dependency on postage by the end of the week.”

How About John Edwards' Hair?

According to Time Magazine, President Bush is not one of the 100 most influential people to shape the world. Okaaay. Apparently Sadaam was not available for comment.

The next time liberals are running around with their hair on fire because he mispronounces nook-you-lur, or when those unemployed guys in the Middle East are burning him in effigy, let’s remember how Bush carries less influence than Flavor Flav.

Influential doesn’t have to mean the person is loved by everybody (see #63, Elvira).

I can understand how he got bumped. If the leader of the most powerful nation in the galaxy makes the list it leaves no room for others like the Malibu city permits manager (#44), the cat of one of Time’s editors (#57), and Sanjaya’s hair (#20).

Of course, you have to question a magazine that would name me as its Person of the Year. The good thing is that subscriptions to Time will increase if Sheryl Crow gets her way with that one square thing.

Bryant Fined for Passing

LOS ANGELES – The NBA playoffs just started, but there is already turmoil in the Lakers camp. A team spokesman announced that all-star guard Kobe Bryant has been fined an undisclosed amount for passing the ball in game 1 of the series against Phoenix.

“I should know better,” said a disappointed Bryant. “My teammates count on me to score every time we have the ball. There’s no excuse for what I did.”

The controversy stems from a third quarter play in which Bryant was falling out of bounds on the baseline under his own basket. “There were three guys around me and I saw Smush (Parker) alone in the lane. I passed it. I was wrong. I should have taken the shot over the backboard.”

Naturally, Parker wasn’t expecting the pass. The ball glanced off his head and was quickly picked up by Suns guard Steve Nash.

Head coach Phil Jackson watch the event with a blank look on his face. “Frankly, I was stunned. He plays 82 games getting ready for the playoffs and in the first game he just forgets? I’d suspend him if we didn’t have to…you know…score.”

Despite letting down his team, Bryant says he’s moving forward. “I apologized in a team meeting and promised that I wouldn’t pass the ball again. They’re cool with that.”

Honoring the V-Tech Killer

Stepping aside from goofiness on this site, I’m going to rant. I’m sick of the media pointing fingers at who is to blame for the Virginia Tech massacre. The only guy to blame is dead. Coward.

It’s a bitter sweet moment to know he’s dead. I think we all want to see him go through the judicial system and rot in a cell or die on our timeline. But then it’s also nice to know he’s sharing a room with Saddam at the Motel 666.

Thanks to NBC and others, this loser’s actions live on. In an obvious sellout for ratings, some media outlets make it impossible for those most affected to move on.

The gunman’s name should never have been released to the public. Watch a sporting event on NBC and I guarantee they won’t show a drunk fan leaping out of the stands and running across the field. Why? Because the drunk wants TV time. And they know that if they show one drunk, others will follow.

This situation is no different. It’s amusing how NBC claimed to be struggling with the decision. It must have been a tough 22 minutes. The only decision they struggled with was whether to air the video on the Nightly News or the Today show.

I don’t care what is on the video. I’ve seen the pictures on every news site I visit. People are dead. Now NBC gives a worldwide stage to a coward. It’s too bad the victims don’t get the same attention.

Weekly Review 4/13/07

• The West Virginia Mountaineers won the N.I.T. basketball tournament, but the commemorative T-shirts players wore after the game is missing the last “I” in Virginia. Sadly, nobody noticed for 3 days.
  
  
• In Washington, most of a group of 20 endangered rabbits that were reintroduced to the wild have been killed by predators. The killers tuned in to the bunnies’ tracking bracelets with rabbit ears.
  
  
• President Bush is threatening to veto a Senate intelligence bill, specifically because “Senate Intelligence” is an oxymoron.
  
  
• Democrats suggest that White House officials are lying when they say emails regarding the termination of eight U.S. prosecutors got deleted. Inside sources report the emails are in Sandy Berger’s pants.
  
  
• Steel and coal from the Titanic have been transformed into a new line of luxury wristwatches. Ironically they’re waterproof.

Imus Be Going Now...

I’m no fan of Don Imus. Actually, I didn’t even know he was still on the air. CBS fired him because they thought he needed to go. Fine. It’s done.

His termination comes after the execs from the Giant Eye met with Revs. Sharpton and Jackson. In the coming weeks it will be interesting to watch those two as the apparent moral police of the country. Will they hold the hip hop culture to the same standard? Will they encourage boycotts of advertisers on MTV and BET?

I think what we’ll see from them will be like a man using Saran Wrap. Sure he thinks he’s making progress, but after an hour he’s just tangled in a big mess.

Mark Across America

Just want to mention that my friend Mark Schultz is riding across America. And not in a car. He's peddling 3500 miles beginning next month to raise money for the James Fund, a non-profit organization supporting orphans and widows.

You can find more information and check out his route at www.markacrossamerica.org

A Letter From my Fish

Dear Doug,

We need to talk. As your fish I feel it’s important to make you aware of what’s happening in our relationship. Maybe you’re unaware of these issues, but I’ve been silent too long and now you should know some things.

Let me just say that it’s not easy living this way. The demand of constantly living in the public eye is wearing on me. I have no “me” time.

It was great when we first met. We spent a lot of time together after you brought me home from the county fair. But gradually we’ve grown apart. The bowl cleanings are less frequent. The home decor gifts have stopped. And the conversations are one-sided.

You tap my home with your fingers, saying brilliant things like, “Hey Killer!” Perhaps you would like me to put a metal trash can on your head and beat it with a soup ladle. Actually, I would—if my fins had opposable thumbs.

I know you’re concerned about my food intake. I watch what I eat as much as you do. But come on, you can give me a few extra flakes now and then. I don’t know, but perhaps your distorted image of how much a fish should weigh stems from watching “Splash” so many times.

I used to think it was really cute how you suck in your cheeks and mock my mouth movements to show off for your children. But do you have to do it when you’re the only one home? Yes, I notice. Even though you giggle when you do it I’m still not amused.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. It’s not easy to write because I keep getting water in the keyboard. I look forward to your reply.

Sincerely,

Junior

Weekly Review 3/30/07

• At 7 feet, 9 inches, the world’s tallest man married a woman who is 5’6”. The bride was carried across the threshold while standing on the man’s right shoulder.
  
  
• Sirius Satellite Radio is launching television service exclusively in Chrysler cars later this year, but to get reception the cars always have to face south.
  
  
• Goodyear is sponsoring a contest where one student from each of the Final Four schools shoots a ball from a blimp 500 feet in the air at a hoop 100 feet wide. The winner receives a prize package from Goodyear and a contract with the Memphis Grizzlies.
  
  
• A female umpire worked a Major League Baseball exhibition game. It took over 8 hours because she kept changing her mind.
  
  
• A Maryland woman says her golden retriever saw her choking on a piece of apple and performed the Heimlich maneuver to save her life. Then he gnawed her leg off.
  
  
• The caterer at a university dormitory in Bangladesh has been fired after students complained they were served dog meat. Students grew suspicious when a hamburger performed the Heimlich maneuver on a choking student.

Weekly Review 3/23/07

• A Nebraska college basketball coach was back on the bench for a game just 5 hours after she had a baby at the hospital. It’s a boy—at least that’s what she thinks the doctor yelled across the parking lot.
  
  
• The U.N. Security Council agreed in principle on stronger sanctions against Iran for enriching uranium. The bold new sanctions include the sentence, “Hey, cut it out. We really mean it this time. Please don’t hurt us.”
  
  
• Chinese officials say they will crack down on public spitting when the 2008 Olympics are in Beijing. Consequently, Tonya Harding won’t be attending.
  
  
• Wal-Mart is dropping its bid to establish a bank. Apparently they couldn’t find a source to provide toasters to new customers.
  
  
• Surgeons completed the first spinal transplant in China. Americans are excited because politicians will have the chance to get a spine.
  
  
• Seven members of the British Royal Navy were sickened by a toxic gas when someone cleaning a toilet area mixed ammonia and bleach. The case is being investigated by a special cleansing agent.
  
  
• A German belly dancer was awarded $24,000 compensation after a plastic surgeon accidentally sucked away one of her buttocks. In a show of kindness, thousands of American women volunteered to donate theirs.
  

Tooth Fairy to Charge Fee for Tooth Disposal

In step with a slowing economy and environmental concerns, the Tooth Fairy announced he/she will be charging a fee for disposing of lost baby teeth.

"I've been doing this for hundreds of years. My garage is getting full," said the Fairy via cell phone at a Rangers-Bruins hockey game.

"I like teeth. I really do. But we can't just have them piling up. I have storage units all over the world. Do you know what those things cost each month?"

More than just economics, however, the decision is about an awareness that the general public has about the environment. "The government is coming down with new policy and I have to address it. I'm kind of like the city landfill. Without the bulldozer and sludge."

"I also think this will slow some people who think they're fooling me, like that old man from Florida who tried to cash in on his wife's dentures. Then there was that boy Lefty, from Oklahoma I think, who pulled a tooth from his dog."

The new disposal fee is a switch for children, whom traditionally get money in exchange for a lost tooth placed under their pillow. It's a tradition carried over from the Old World, and for years it generated income for early pioneers in North America. Not only did they have larger families than today, but research also shows they had bad teeth.

The Tooth Fairy is sad that the new policy will eliminate middle-of-the-night prowling in homes worldwide, but also feels the disposal fee is for the best. "It's like having a root canal. Sure it hurts, but you still have that giggly feeling."

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Find this article and other Tooth Fairy news at www.littlegreenball.com

Q and A Comedy

So what do four comedians in a car have in common with the average person picking up a hitchhiker? They all want to avoid hacks! Bwhahahahaha. Sorry about that.

My friends Chris Quimby and Josh Alves are making a road trip to Montreal to compete in Comedy Central's Last Comic Standing. The audition is Saturday (3/17).

You can follow the road trip right down to the last french fry under the seat. Check out their site, www.qandacomedy.com

Weekly Review 3/9/07

• Doctors say a blood thinner will be used to dissolve the clot in Dick Cheney’s leg. I thought salt was the best way to dissolve ice.
  
  
• A 91-year-old Florida man is challenging 92-year-old fitness guru Jack LaLanne to a boxing match. Plans are underway for a movie about the match, “Aging Bull.”
  
  
• Another model says she’s carrying the child of Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, the second woman in a month to make the claim. The announcement forced the quarterback to scramble as he’s now looking at double coverage.
  
  
• Because he worked with Anna Nicole Smith in a 1994 movie, O.J. Simpson claims he could be Dannielynn’s father since he has slow-moving sperm. Don’t laugh. The mother of his other children is dead too.
  
  
• A Salt Lake City man tried to run over his wife with a car one day after their wedding. Police report that the back window said, “Just Buried!”
  
  
• After a fender bender, a Florida woman ran over the other motorist trying to exchange insurance information and drove with her on the hood for over a mile. Bail was set at $10,000, later posted by a Salt Lake City man who had been married less than one day.

Road Trips Defined

Although there may be more than four types of road trips, most can be packed into the following categories neater than a hitchhiker in the trunk.

The Bullet

The Bullet is when you absolutely positively have to be there overnight. Not for any particular event, you just have to get there in record time. The Bullet defined my childhood travel. My dad should have worked for Federal Express because we often passed the trucks along the side of the road in the middle of the night.

To further enhance the Bullet, my father couldn’t hear well so he turned toward the back seat to read our lips, gradually pulling the car to the shoulder. It wasn’t until driver’s education that I realized that wasn’t a fancy passing lane.

The Funeral

This could also be called the Wedding or the Graduation. Because everybody knows a person who will die, get married or graduate, this one is inevitable. It’s the obligatory road trip; the kind where you see people you haven’t seen in 8 years, knowing it will be that long until the next encounter. Unless somebody dies before then.


The Pro

Every industry has at least one professional organization that requests your attendance at the annual conference. Enter the Pro. The Pro is a chance to cram in a vehicle with coworkers you liked before the trip. If you’re lucky, the summit of the Pro is an opportunity to share a motel room and discover even more quirky habits of your officemate.

The Fella

Sometimes the Fella road trip has a point. According to most wives, however, the Fella is a pointless opportunity for men to get together and act stupid. Technically, this type of road trip does have a pre-determined destination. It just takes a while to reach it. The Fella is characterized by role playing in convenience stores, trying new comedy on restaurant patrons, and testing the base on the factory stereo.

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Find this article and other valuable road trip info at www.littlegreenball.com

Weekly Review 3/2/07

• Anna Nicole Smith was buried in a custom-made gown today. It’s been more than three weeks since she died, so I’m guessing that custom dress somehow involves duct tape.
  
  
• A New Jersey doctor was fined $5,000 for severing a hand from a cadaver and giving it to a stripper. Apparently, she doesn’t take handouts.
  
  
• The Army fired the Walter Reid Hospital commander amid allegations of mouse and cockroach infestations. He has since been hired to manage the neighborhood Taco Bell.
  
  
• The estate of Cory Lidle is being sued by a dentist who claims his house was destroyed in the ballplayer’s fatal plane crash. I hope he knows it’s like pulling teeth trying to get money from an estate.
  
  
• An Indiana man faces charges for trying to cash a check supposedly signed by God. Upon further investigation, the IRS fined God for not withholding Social Security taxes.

Future Drama

A Kansas boy forgot where he left his shoes last week, but remembers things his dad said prior to the boy’s birth in 1999.

Brandon Johnson is holding his dad to a comment he made in February of 1996, more than three years before Brandon was born.

“It was a Thursday,” Brandon recalls. “He was wearing that blue T-shirt. Dad said some day when he had kids he would take them to Disneyland. I remember like it was yesterday.”

When pressed about the whereabouts of his shoes, the boy defended his forgetfulness. “I have a lot going on right now, you know. We’re doing double-digit addition at school and my brain is all gooey. It’s full. How can I remember where I put stuff?”

Brandon’s father doesn’t remember saying anything about Disneyland. “I was wearing a blue shirt? I might have said it. I’m not saying I did, but I’m not saying I didn’t, either. Go ask his mother.”

The boy’s dad remembered something important. “I definitely didn’t have children. Does it matter that I wasn’t even married then?”

It doesn’t matter, according to Brandon. The forgotten promise doesn’t end with trips to California. The boy excitedly relates a comment his dad made under the monkey bars in third grade. “He said he’ll let his kids eat ice cream every night for dinner!”

That was an idea that his father liked. “Ice cream, huh? I probably did say that. It makes sense. I should write this stuff down.”

“Can I go now? I have to go buy some shoes for my son.”

________________________________
* Read this article and others at littlegreenball.com

Weekly Review 2/23/07

• A 5,000 year old artificial eye was found on the Iran-Afghan border. Naturally, it was spotted by a seeing eye dog.
  


• A movie is being made about the lip synching act Milli Vanilli. To make it authentic, the soundtrack will be provided by Ashlee Simpson.
  


• In Columbia, an unidentified gunman opened fire on two clowns. The clowns returned fire but the "bang" flag got jammed in their guns.
  


• The photo of a "mystery weapon" found by GIs in Iraq has captured the imagination of people worldwide. Turns out the weapon is a jar of Peter Pan.
  


• An Argentine woman tried to smuggle cocaine hidden in chocolate-coated cookies. This finally explains the Cookie Monster’s erratic behavior.
  


• A New York TV station reports that a Taco Bell/KFC has a rat problem. The Health Department says the best way to exterminate the rats is to let them eat the food.
  


• A lady buying a coat said to be made of faux fur discovered it was actually dog fur. She became suspicious when the coat kept hanging out the car window.
  
  

Weekly Review 2/16/07

• Astronaut Lisa Nowak’s story is already being made into a movie. Her family will play the role of the diapers.
  
  
• A Michigan woman lost her $5,000 wedding ring when her pit bull ate it. Sad, since it was still on her finger.
  
  
• New York City Catholic leaders declared a holy war against the city's distribution of 26 million free condoms. Upon hearing of this, Democrats immediately passed a non-binding anti-war resolution.
  
  
• A new study reveals that your office desk harbors far more bacteria than your workplace restroom. The big difference? Paperwork.
  
  
• A dog owner is accusing a groomer of cutting off her dog’s ear and trying to glue it back on. Thus ends the grooming career of Mike Tyson.

Weekly Review 2/9/07

• An Israeli company is working on the world’s first flying automobile. They call it, a Rental Car.


• Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff tried to sell his budget request to Congress. If they don’t buy it he’ll auction it on eBay.


• An Oklahoma man is encouraging people to recognize February as “Return Carts to the Supermarket” month. In other news, every Ford Focus in America has been stolen.


• A New York teacher is under fire for allegedly using cocaine in the classroom. The teacher argues it was part of a geography lesson about Columbia.


• The guy who invented the automobile air bag will be inducted into the Inventors Hall of Fame at a ceremony in May. He’s a small man, so he’ll have to sit in the back.

Congress to Tax Homework

WASTHINGTON -- In a bold initiative to balance the budget, Congress is seeking to increase revenue by taxing homework on America’s school children.

“It just seems to fit,” said one senator from North Carolina. “This is America, and everybody who works has to pay their share of taxes. Why should young people be any different? Work is work.”

The bill is a bipartisan attempt by Congress to show America that the two parties can get along. The premise is that tax dollars generated by homework would allow schools to be self-sustaining, therefore allocating grownup taxes to important areas.

Another congressman spoke on the condition of anonymity: “This is an important issue according to this week’s CNN/Gallop poll, and we won’t stop until this piece of legislation passes, or until the polls change—whichever comes first…wait, are you recording this?”

The bill is greatly anticipated by Katherine Bond, a South Dakota mother who home schools her seven children. “Yes, of course we’re in favor of this legislation. With the additional money our school generates we’ll be able to vacation more. Sometimes we’ll even take our children.”

Others, however, are showing great concern if the legislation passes. “I would have to get a job so I could afford to pay taxes on my homework,” lamented a little boy simply known as ‘Johnny.’

“Of course, I’ll pay taxes on the money I get from my job. But how could I go to school if I’m working to pay taxes? Man, I have too many distractions. This is why I can’t read.”

Johnny and others will have a chance to voice their concern during a legislative hearing in Washington, for those able to find it on a map. No date is set for the hearing but will likely occur before school gets out.
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**this article is also posted at littlegreenball.com

Weekly Review 2/2/07

• A Virginia man found a bag of marijuana hidden with the pizza delivered to his house. The small town is stunned because nobody knew Willie Nelson works for Pizza Hut.
  

• Archaeologists in England have unearthed an ancient village for festival-goers. They call it “Miami.”
  

• Cars were banned in Italian cities Sunday to lower pollution levels. To compensate, pedestrians had to shout expletives at the bikers who cut them off.
  

• A safety problem prompted an emergency shutdown at a Russian nuclear power plant. Surprising, since the plant just received a glowing review.
  

• Sir Richard Branson is offering parents the chance to put the umbilical blood of newborns in a stem cell storage bank. It’s easy to make a deposit, but a withdrawal could cost an arm and a leg.
  

• The Minnesota State High School League banned all wrestling competition after a large outbreak of herpes. Remember, you’re not just wrestling with one person. You’re wrestling with everybody he’s wrestled with, and everybody those people wrestled with, literally wrestling with thousands of people each time you get on the mat.

Frosty's Dating Profile

**Note: This snowman dating profile is also posted at www.littlegreenball.com
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Okay, I never know what to say on these things, but here goes.

I’m a S/W/M (snow, white, male) who likes to have a good time, especially when I wear that silk hat. I enjoy the outdoors. I really can’t stand watching TV or even sitting on the couch at all. In fact, I stay away from anything electrical.

I don’t have much of a temper unless you call me flakey or empty-headed. Some say I’m soft, but I have ice water in my veins. I can stand the heat if the temperature is below 32 degrees.

I like to clean. You’ll usually find me with a broom in my hand. I don’t do windows because for some reason I always leave streaks.

I should mention that I do have a sordid past. Two years ago I got plowed. Then a woman picked me up and we went to her place. Because I have integrity, I insisted that I sleep outside until I could pull myself together. There is no truth to the rumor that this is where I got my button nose. That story was started by a dusty sled in the garage.

As long as I’m talking about past demons, I did have a run-in with the law. I feel bad because I was with the children. I led them down the streets of town. I was retaining water more than usual that day, so I wasn’t really paying attention. When running I made a loud “thumpetty thump” sound. Drivers kept getting out and kicking their tires.

Anyway, we were laughing and playing when I led them right to the traffic cop. I paused a moment, and then heard him holler “Stop!” It really frightened the children. Most are out of counseling now. Including the officer.

Well, that’s about it. If I sound like your Mr. Right, contact me before March 21st.

Weekly Review 1/26/07

• An Amsterdam pet shop owner has created a beer for dogs, giving them a beverage for bowling night.
  
  
• Headline: Study Links Gene to Alzheimer’s. Gene denies, blames Paul.
  
  
• An indication that Mexico needs to modernize their police facilities comes from this Fox News headline: Mexico Holding 11 Iraqis with Fake Papers
  
  
• A judge sentenced a Detroit man to prison after repeatedly breaking into stores and stealing female mannequins. Testimony took longer than expected because the witnesses kept falling apart.
  
  
• A new study says that the urge to smoke is lessoned by brain damage. So if you want to quit smoking, have somebody beat the tar out of you.
  

The Eyes Don't Have It

Maybe it’s because I never want to look bad, but I won’t admit if I can’t see something. My contact lenses help most of the time, but occasionally I fake it.

History speaks of a man’s reluctance to ask for directions. I usually don’t ask for directions. Not because I know where I’m going, but I can’t see the street signs. It’s really a waste of time for me to ask Akmal in the 7-11 where I should go. Instead, I wisely use that time wandering around guessing at street signs. No offense to Akmal.

My not-so-perfect vision might create the illusion that I’m an unsafe driver. On the contrary, I’m as safe as anybody. I have to be alert with other cars driving the wrong way in my lane, flashing their headlights and honking.

It’s reminiscent of my first days behind the wheel in driver’s education. Of course, now I don’t have the crying middle-aged football coach in the passenger seat praying the rosary. I miss him. He would play tricks on me, joking about stop signs and railroad crossings. I’m still not sure how he made those train sounds.

At the end of my driving day I remove the contacts and put on glasses. The optometrist suggested that I get some special lenses that won’t scratch. I’m not sure what nightly activities he thinks I engage in that necessitate scratch-proof lenses. I don’t even own a cat.

He also suggested I get a prescription windshield for my car, but he says that idea came from his brother. He’s a retired football coach.

Weekly Review 1/19/07

• President Bush will discuss a global warming policy in his State of the Union speech, but many Americans won’t see it because ice storms knocked out their power.
  
  
• China is testing an anti-satellite device. They call it “Doug’s Television.”
  
  
• Amsterdam’s red-light district is getting a statue in honor of the city’s prostitutes. It will cost $50, and only stand for one night. Outside the health clinic. In the gutter.
  
  
• German researchers report that higher doses of Viagra may impair the ability to smell. “Tell me about it,” said a frustrated Pinocchio.
  
  
• A New Hampshire man is barricaded in his house after being convicted of tax evasion. Authorities will wait indefinitely, then capture his assets.
  
  
• An Omaha veterinarian faces accusations he injected horses with vodka to calm their nerves before races. Jockeys grew suspicious when the horses kept calling ex-girlfriends.

Girl Crazy

Reflecting on the birth of my daughter last week, I recorded the timeline with notes for future reference. It began around 8:30 when my wife’s water broke. It's pretty impressive to break water, especially when pregnant.

8:32 a.m.
Grab pre-packed suitcase for quick exit. GOOD DECISION
Yell “Here, catch!” BAD DECISION

8:51 a.m.
Warm up car and back out of garage. GOOD DECISION
Honk horn repeatedly so she knows to hustle. BAD DECISION

9:01 a.m.
Call hospital to let them know we're on the way. GOOD DECISION
Identify us as the man with the leaky lady. BAD DECISION

9:37 a.m.
Notify o.b. nurse that I'm the labor coach. GOOD DECISION
Draw up a play on my clipboard for her and the doctor. BAD DECISION

10:46 a.m.
Watch monitor and notify her of coming contractions. GOOD DECISION
Insist she use the contraction "ain't" during contractions. BAD DECISION

12:31 p.m.
Momentarily leave to give loved ones an update. GOOD DECISION
Return 10 minutes later with a chili dog. BAD DECISION

12:48 p.m.
Help her breath through an intense contraction. GOOD DECISION
Comment, "Wow! That looks like it hurts!" BAD DECISION

1:17 p.m.
Acknowledge relief that doctor has arrived. GOOD DECISION
Ask him where the key is to the T.V. cabinet. BAD DECISION

1:24 p.m.
Hold hand and whisper encouragement as she pushes. GOOD DECISION
Mimic Salt-N-Pepa's "Push It." BAD DECISION

1:25 p.m.
Tell her the baby is crowning and it has a lot of hair. GOOD DECISION
Ask if she remembers Cousin It on the Addams Family. BAD DECISION

1:27 p.m.
Tell her that she just gave birth to a beautiful girl. GOOD DECISION
Ask when we're having another baby. BAD DECISION

Minimizing Minimum Wage

I often consider starting another blog that separates my political opinions from comedy. In reality though, politics provide some of the best comedy fodder.

Congress is raising the minimum wage. Why is this funny? Ultimately, the raise gets taken in taxes. Sure it’s a raise—a raise in tax revenue for the gubmint.

Does anybody make minimum wage anymore? I mean besides high school students with no marketable skills. Even in my rural Kansas community, the unemployment rate is so low that business owners tell me the most unskilled workers laugh at minimum wage. In addition, many states have their own minimum wages already.

For the sake of argument, suppose there really is an abundance of skilled, educated Americans making $5.15 an hour trying to support a family (research shows otherwise, but remember this is an argument). When the minimum wage goes to $7.25 an hour, employers have no choice but to make up the difference somewhere. Perhaps they’ll cut the number of hours the employees work. Perhaps they’ll cut jobs entirely. Most likely, the difference will be made up in retail prices. Now the person making $8.00 an hour has to pay higher prices, yet doesn’t get a pay raise.

Wages should be driven by the market, not the government. Keep raising the minimum wage, and the next problem will be an increase in unemployment and poverty--the very thing we're told minimum wage will prevent.

Weekly Review 1/5/07

• 3,500 cattle are believed to have frozen on rangeland in southeastern Colorado, creating a surplus of cubed steak.
  
  

• Pieces of a Russian rocket reentered the atmosphere over parts of Wyoming. NASA reports it was shot down by Dick Cheney.
  

• A million-dollar stone sculpture, intended to remind future generations of the Earth's fragility, collapsed just three months after its unveiling in Georgia. The artist quickly changed the metaphor of his project to remind future generations of Jimmy Carter’s presidency.
  

• A Connecticut DMV instructor is charged with coercing a woman to strip in exchange for passing her driver's test. The instructor argues the woman misunderstood when he instructed her to put her top down to pass.
  

• Toyota is developing a car that detects drunken drivers and automatically shuts down if sensors pick up signs of excessive alcohol. It is also working on a similar product for men at the bar.
  

• A woman is suing Oprah Winfrey’s studio, alleging she was pushed down stairs in a rush for seats during a TV taping. Winfrey’s attorneys offered a cash settlement and free tickets to the Jerry Springer Show.