- Headline: Judge Strikes Down Bush On Terror Groups (thousands martyred by poison oak)
- A New York man broke into his neighbor’s barn, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of obscene magazines on the floor. Dateline NBC is scheduling a new investigation on kid porn.
- A Florida man stopped an alleged house burglar by beating him into submission with a football helmet. Though 44 years old, the homeowner received a scholarship to play football at the University of Miami.
- Italian researchers report that a ten-story tsunami thrashed the Mediterranean Sea 8,000 years ago. FEMA is dispatching assistance tomorrow.
- Partnering with the Arbor Day Foundation, Frito Lay is giving away 25,000 trees to nonprofit organizations. Prior to shipping, each tiny tree is wrapped in a gigantic bag filled with air.
- Reports from China say that a theme park will be built in honor of Bruce Lee. The park will boast a statue of the martial-arts expert, a conference hall, and a zero-gravity amusement ride called “Pants of Fury.”
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