A Diner's Guide to Diners

You might be a little nervous about going to a diner. But if you follow suggestions from the experts you too can become a Dynamic Diner.

The Entrance

When you arrive at the diner you may see a note written on a chalk board that tells you to wait for somebody to seat you. If nobody from the friendly staff greets you it's probably because they're hard at work.

However, there are ways to get their attention. The easiest is to stand behind the register. This is something Dynamic Diners refer to as "fiddling with stuff." If you're in a hurry, go ahead and open the register drawer. The ringing noise it makes when you open it is the staff's signal that they have a customer needing attention.

The Menu

There may be several options on the menu. If you're unsure what some of the dishes are you can ask your server. If the server is unavailable, look under the table because the family sitting in your booth before you might have politely left a few samples.

On the road to becomming a Dynamic Diner you may want to remember these basics:

-The Meatloaf Special is "special" for reasons most diners don't need to know.

-The Bottomless Cup of Coffee is an industry term referring to an unlimited amount of coffee. It actually came about from the coffee eroding the bottom of the cup. In an exciting breakthrough, NASA is close to designing a material able to withstand the bite of diner coffee.

- For those 55 and older, diners offer an "Early Bird Special." Remember, the early bird gets the worm.

- If the diner offers a "Soup of the Day," be sure to ask which day they're talking about.

- As a general rule, avoid fresh fish in landlocked states such as Kansas and Nebraska. Some diners offer beer battered fish. If you dine late enough you may see beer battered people. They're easy to identify because they talk extremely loud.

The Environment

- Most diners play country or oldies music. Hank Williams is often played because it's the law. His music fulfills both requirements. Check the laws in your state.

- It is a good idea to use the facilities at home before visiting the diner, but if you think nature might call be sure to plan ahead. Bring a plunger. And some toilet paper.

-IMPORTANT! Secure your salt shaker lid that the youngsters in the booth adjacent to yours loosened while your were busy in the facilities. If you unknowingly play into their joke, a paper straw missle to the head seems to squelch the laughter. And a kick in the shins.

The Exit

Tip well, because some day that could be you serving up the grub to Dynamic Diners in training. To show your appreciation (and your diner savy), upon your exit always proclaim to the staff, "You can kiss my grits!" They like that.