Cut and Run

People tell me that the bank holding my mortgage can take my house if I miss a few payments. "After all," they say, "technically you don't it. The bank owns it."

Because the bank owns the dwelling place for my family, I call the bank president every week to inform him that he needs to mow the lawn at our house. I mean his house. After all, technically I don’t own it. The bank owns it. Apparently he doesn’t get the messages I leave with his assistant. Or his wife and children. Because his Toro has yet to meet my bluegrass, I opted to send a letter to the owner of my home:

Dear Homeowner Owner,

We have been attempting to reach you for several weeks. This letter is official notification that the lawn where we live is getting extremely long and mowing on your part is past due.

This is not our first incident of concern with your institution. When our basement flooded you refused to pay for the damage. You didn’t even help clean up. When high winds uprooted a tree, you ignored our plight for a new tree house. Despite your lack of reparation, we stayed with your bank. However, our patience is wearing thin because you choose to ignore the length of the grass. We took steps to address the issue and received counsel from Floyd, owner and operator of Floyd’s Nursery and Cappuccino Hut. He is not somebody you want to anger. As a Certified Scott's Lawn representative, Floyd says that mulching is out of the question. You have to bag it.

As a result, you are hereby notified that you have one (1) week to contact a resident of this home to make mowing arrangements. Please leave a message if we don’t answer the phone. We might be in the yard searching for our son again. He vanished in the backyard earlier this month (he’s only fifty two inches tall) while looking for his whiffle ball. Only his innate survival skills and a pink lawn flamingo saved him from starvation.

We will work to maintain this relationship, but we expect you to meet us half way. Frankly, we are embarrassed for you that you own a lawn tall enough to attract cows from nearby pastures. It is our hope that as the technical homeowner you take a little more pride in its appearance so we can work together in the future—especially the last Saturday in September as it’s our turn to host the neighborhood barbeque.

Sincerely,

Doug Johnson


P.S. Please note a forthcoming letter regarding your automobile that I drive. It needs new tires.