In the News 8/30/06

• Paris Hilton reportedly paid $195,000 to ride Richard Branson’s soon-to-be-built space shuttle, the Virgin Enterprise rocket. Hilton later requested a refund after discovering Branson’s Virgin Enterprise rocket isn’t what she thought.
  
  
• While taking a driving lesson from his owner, a dog in China crashed when he steered into an oncoming vehicle. The dog claims his owner confused him when she told him to use his rear wipers.
  
  
• Apple Computers is recalling nearly 2 million laptop batteries because they overheat. Nobody recalled this many overheated laptops since Wilt Chamberlain wrote his autobiography.

I've Got the Runs

I love to run. Recently I ran a 5K (yah, all at once!). I ran my second best personal time. Unfortunately, the twelve-year old in front of me ran better. I know exactly how he did it. He cheated. He wore those short shorts from the seventies. I wore cargo shorts. Because his shorts have no pockets, he has no place to carry his cell phone or money for a Big Gulp. Of course, being twelve also means that transporting car keys is not a problem for this guy. My office keys alone cost me the race with little Peter Brady.

The race got interesting in the last few hundred yards. I ran strong, within 4 steps of him. I could hear him breathing. I edged closer, closer, closer! And then my phone rang. I answered before it went to voicemail.

All who witnessed this event know that if he wears shorts with pockets it's a different race. Then it's even. He hears the jingling of Big Gulp change and the ringing phone and the shouts of "Run Forrest, Run!" But he won't play fair. So next year, it's on. I'll stoop to his level and line up with some of those "running" shorts. And a belt for my cell phone pouch.

** On a bright note, I did finish ahead of the runner from Kenya. Man, was she ticked--almost fell out of her wheelchair. But we made friends before her granddaughter took her back to the nursing home.

Weekly Review 8/25/06

• Scientists suggest that pollution is causing the genitals of artic polar bears to shrink. However, a Congressional investigation reveals that the shrinkage is from the bears’ extensive use of steroids.
  
  
• An Arkansas woman unknowingly ran over her drunken husband as he slept in the driveway. Paramedics say he was smashed.
  
  
• Britney Spears upset Jessica Simpson because she refused to let Simpson kiss her pregnant tummy at the Teen Choice Awards. As a consolation Kevin Federline said Simpson could kiss his belly.
  
  
• Because of a change in terminology, astronomers say they now recognize only 8 planets in the solar system after they struck Pluto from the list. Fortunately, Uranus will not be struck. (nor will our juvenile jokes about our favorite planet)
  
  
• Washington University reports that Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols passed a series of physical reaction tests with the same results as tests taken by Babe Ruth. In a related study, Barry Bonds had the same test results as Seabiscuit.
  
  
• The owner of a Bombay, India, restaurant named after Adolf Hitler agreed to change the name after meeting with members of the Jewish community. It's now called Gibson's Grill.
  

In the News 8/22/06

• A 24-year-old Georgia college student allegedly hit two customers with her car in a McDonald’s parking lot after arguing with them earlier. Apparently she wanted the McRib.
  
  
• Paris Hilton tells Blender Magazine that she cries every time she hears her album. For once I know what it’s like to be a hotel heiress.
  
  
• Starstyle.com auctioned Hilton's bed recently. At last check the highest bidder was the Center for Disease Control.
  
  
• A California woman is suing J.C. Penney Co., saying she suffered cuts on her head and a cracked tooth after being clubbed by a legless mannequin. She was really up in arms.

Book Him

John Mark Karr says he killed JonBenet Ramsey. I believe him. Police refer to him by all three names. Before now his name was John Karr. Now he's a three-namer. It’s how police let these disturbed people know they’re in it deep. It’s reminiscent of all childhoods—including bad guys. “Lee Harvey Oswald you get away from the window right now!...And stop shooting at the ice cream truck!”

Using the trifecta is a must for famous killers. Mark David Chapman, Lee Harvey Oswald, Orenthal James Simpson, and John Wayne Gacey were two-namers until they broke the law. Now the law is coming after Mr. Karr, waving a death certificate with ample white space. Case closed.

UPATE: Every possible news outlet provided around the clock coverage about this guy. Saddam's trial started late because he refused to leave his cell until Nancy Grace was over. I've changed my mind; Karr didn't commit this crime. JonBenet would have beat him into a soft, mushy pulp.

Weekly Review 8/16/06

• Paris Hilton announced she’s celibate. No word on what she’s doing tomorrow.
  
  
  
• “T-Rac,” the raccoon-like mascot of the Tennessee Titans, hit Saints quarterback Adrian McPherson with a golf-cart as he walked onto the field for the second half Saturday night, knocking him out of the game because of bruises. Specifically, a bruised ego.
  
  
  
• A Massachusetts man is recovering after a domestic dispute with his wife, during which she stabbed him in the penis. According to police reports the man ran away empty handed.
  
  
  
• A Phoenix, Ariz., woman is in trouble after cameras caught her speeding 70 different times in her Honda Civic. Police are stunned that a Civic could go that fast.
  
  
  
• Zookeepers in the Netherlands plan to hook up orangutans over the Internet as a dating service to discover which apes are compatible. Critics fear the apes will pretend to be 14-year old boys.
  
  
  
• Thieves in Germany stole thousands of dollars from a man by throwing feces at him and then pick-pocketing the victim while they pretended to help clean up the mess. Police suspect two monkeys that met through an online dating service.

Old What's His Name

There’s a guy I know who calls me Greg. That’s okay, except my name is Doug. After the third time he called me the wrong name I realized it was too late to correct him. That was two years ago.

I don’t want to embarrass him. I’ve tried to help him learn. I used my name in a sentence, “This is the hottest day of the year or my name isn’t ‘Doug’”. He said, “Oh, I agree, Greg”. I’ve had somebody call me from a distance. They yelled, “Hey Doug! Come here!” As I left this guy said, “See ya, Greg.”

It looks like it’s a cross I must bear with others who go through life being known as someone else. One day when future generations study great Americans living under assumed names they’ll see Mark Twain, Dear Abby, Superman, the Philly Fanatic, and Greg.

What's That Noise?

Monday a tornado hit the south edge of town. It’s amazing the interest people have in these things. Tornado sirens are adult magnets. The Weather Service says to take shelter when the sirens sound. Instead, it seems to be the signal for everybody to come out of their homes and gaze skyward. I’m appalled at the disregard my neighbors showed for the sirens as we watched the tornado from my driveway. They simply ignored the warning.

For future twisters maybe the City should play something that repels people, forcing them to go indoors. Like Gilbert Gottfried. Whenever we hear repeated shrieks of “AFLAC!” we know it’s basement time.

A look at the biggest event in our town since Dwight Yoakam's bus parked at Wal-Mart in '92.

This Child Will be Called...Hoover

Now that people in our circle (Hey, we have a circle!) know we’re having a baby, we’re once again getting advice. My wife’s 84-year old grandma said that her doctor recommended vacuuming as good exercise when you’re pregnant. Granted, it was 1952. But vacuuming? That’s funny. Apparently people didn’t know how to walk for exercise back then.

I never knew this doctor but based on his labor-intense exercise recommendation to Grandma, these are probably some of his other suggestions for expectant mothers: cooking three meals per day, mowing the yard, repaving the driveway.

I wonder if it works the other way. Could a woman defend a dirty carpet by saying, “Honey, I would vacuum but I can’t because I’m not pregnant.”