Weekly Review 6/30/06

• Researchers in Indonesia have discovered a snake that can change colors. They say it has a promising future in politics.
  
  
• A woman in Corpus Christi says her ex-boyfriend mailed her a severed human finger.The man was charged with impersonating a shop teacher.
  
  
• Thursday a retired judge in Oklahoma was convicted for using a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while hearing cases in 2002 and 2003. He was hoping for a hung jury.
  
  
• A prison inmate in Pakistan recently had a lightbulb removed from his anus. The prisoner claims he doesn’t know how it got there, so it’s safe to say he’s not the brightest light in the house.
  
  
• A University of Utah study says that drivers who talk on cell phones may be as dangerous as those who drive drunk. Either way, roaming costs an arm and a leg.

Weekly Review 6/24/06

• After missing one meal, Saddam Hussein has ended his hunger strike. This morning the Kansas City Royals offered him a contract after Googling his name and seeing the words fast, strike, and screwball.
  
  
• A truck driver was treated for minor injuries after his semi tipped over and spilled several toilet seats on Interstate 43 in Wisconsin. It’s the first crappy drive residents have seen since the Packers ended their season.
  
  
• China announced plans to have a man on the moon by 2024. They say it could happen earlier if Walmart opens a lunar store.
  
  
• July 7th kicks off the sixth annual Cher Convention in Woodland Hills, CA. The big event features a silent auction, dinner, and museum of Cher noses.
  
  
• In Ontario, thieves stole a semi and replaced the truck’s $17,000 worth of dish soap with 1,400 boxes of bleach. The case is being investigated by a special cleansing agent.

If You Can't Stand the Heat...

Could the NBA Finals have been more bizarre? The Dallas Mavericks snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. In doing so they lost any dignity they had.

Dallas led the series over Miami 2-0 and had a 13 point lead with six minutes left in game three. But that lead disappeared faster than a cat in a Chinese restaurant. They showed the heart of a kitten in game four when they were smoked by 24 points. The Miami fans chanted “Da-vid Hasel-hoff” whenever Dirk Nowitski shot free throws. That’s funny. Come on Dirk, you brought that on yourself.

The entire Maverick franchise had a meltdown in the fifth game. At least Dirk made a few shots down the stretch. He also showed that he could solve the Cowboys kicking woes when he punted the ball into the stands en route to his post-game tantrum.

Arguably, the refs did miss a backcourt call on Dwayne Wade. But few refer to Josh Howard missing two free throws that likely would have sealed the game. Even with Terrell Owens playing for the Cowboys now, Josh is the new “T.O.” in town. Seems he called a timeout at the wrong time. The always classy Avery Johnson even blamed the refs for acknowledging the timeout and not babysitting Howard.

But I think the reader of this blog will agree that the tone for all of this was set by owner Mark Cuban. He entered game five wearing a jersey in support of the suspended Jerry Stackhouse and was verbally engaged with fans and referees throughout. Afterwards, while Dirk was teaching us how to beat up an exercise bike, Cuban was busy dropping f-bombs and screaming at the league commissioner that the game is rigged.

Maybe he’s right. And David Hasselhoff thanks the NBA for resurrecting his career.

I'll Get That For You

There’s a new item on the market called the Cell Phone Garter. It’s apparently for a woman with no pockets. Or, I suppose a man but that’s a topic for Maury to tackle. Because I’m a thinker, I’m wondering what ring tones will be used for a cell phone stored on a woman’s thigh. A small list…
Boderline (Madonna)
Legs (ZZ Top)
Walk Like an Egyptian (Bangles)
You Had Me From Hello (Kenny Chesney)
Roam (The B52s)
I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing (Aerosmith)
You Make Me Feel Like Dancing (Leo Sayer)
Down Under (Men at Work)
Sign O’ the Times (Prince)
New Sensation (INXS)
Friends in Low Places (Garth Brooks)
Slow Hand (Pointer Sisters)
I Wish the Phone Would Ring (Expose)

Weekly Review 6/17/06

• Indeed, the World Cup:
  
  
• In an effort to convince his girlfriend to marry him, a Michigan man ran naked down the street and was shot at by a pedestrian posing as a drill sergeant. Police may decide to just turn the other cheek.
  
  
• A Texas motorist was arrested after he stashed two rocks of crack cocaine on his banana split. Officers said the treat was made with Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked ice cream.
  
  
• In Las Vegas, Joey Chestnut set a world record by downing 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes. Now he’s expected to set the record for time between bowel movements, currently held by Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.
  
  
• A Massachusetts plumber who bought a bathroom vanity from Home Depot found a stash of cocaine, or as they call it on the street, Plumbers Crack.
  

News for 6/14/06

• A new ringtone is on the market claiming that the pitch is so high that adults, who gradually lose the ability to hear high-pitched sounds, cannot hear it. Adults are countering with a James Earl Jones ringtone that says, “you’re grounded.”
  
  
• In a Dateline interview to be aired on Thursday, Britney Spears says her marriage to Kevin Federline is “awesome” and denies rumors that he is living in the basement. That’s because he’s in the doghouse.
  
  
• Mel Gibson, who happens to live next door to Britney, is reportedly moving his family out of the neighborhood. His fans are stunned that he has made so much money and still lives in a trailer park.
  
  
• Oregon State University researchers say a key ingredient in beer may help prevent prostate cancer, but for a person to benefit he would have to drink more than 17 beers. The researchers were unavailable for further comment because halftime was over.

Weekly Review 6/9/06

• The newest sponsor for NASCAR is the Church of Scientology. Tom Cruise is forbidding the car from making any noise.
  
  
• A Washington high school is undergoing scrutiny because it allows students to accumulate unused restroom passes for extra credit. Summer school students say this is why valedictorians are so full of crap.
  
  
• A Minnesota man suffered second degree burns from an explosion after he put gasoline in his washing machine to clean grease from his clothing. Glenn Johnson says a ball of fire shot from the sink and blew him out of the laundry room. Fire officials say Johnson had a full load.
  
  
• When learning how much he had to pay to reclaim his car after it was towed, a Serbian man set his car on fire. The man later said he was just trying to wash grease stains from his clothing.

Tis' the Season

With warm weather we welcome the snake season. Perhaps “welcome” isn’t the right word. In fact, my wife hates snakes. I didn’t know this little bit of information until two years into our marriage.

After she saw the first visitor to our new home she screamed, disappeared into the garage, and came out wielding a hoe in a manner that would make Freddy Krueger proud. She began swinging it towards the snake, chopping him in little pieces while screaming “Die you stupid thing!” She reminded me of a bad golfer with the yelling and grass flying everywhere. The only difference is that you don’t find many snakeheads flying across the fairway.

I’m not sure why she dislikes snakes. Maybe it’s because her dad has already killed two rattlesnakes on the farm this spring. But these are just little garter snakes. Maybe it goes back to the first snake that tricked Eve into eating that apple. God said snakes would have to slither on their bellies and that woman would scream when they saw them (so to speak).

Personally, I don’t mind snakes. They keep the mice away. And mice are really icky.

Weekly Review for 6/2/06

• More than 1,700 Britons left a cruise ship early after many passengers were stuck in their cabin with a stomach virus. A lot of people can relate to that. Anybody that saw Mission Impossible III knows how a cruise can make you vomit.
  
  
• In Denton County, Texas, a construction worker was injured when the portable toilet he occupied was struck by a tractor trailer with a wide, um, load. If the man decides to press charges it will be convenient since the mishap occurred in the County Seat.
  
  
• A woman in India recently married a king cobra snake. The bride works from the home, and the groom is a congressman.
  
  
• A Las Cruces radio station is playing an all Barry Manilow format. All Barry—all day, all night. The station general manager, Phil Kinzer, describes himself as a “fanalow.” It could be worse. At least he’s not an emin-enema.
  
  
• Senior citizens in Prosser, Washington, are being overwhelmed in their condo village by marmots, a close relative of the ground squirrel. It’s believed the rodents migrated from Las Cruces.

Holy PC!

DC Comics is resurrecting the comic character of Batwoman, only this time she’s a lesbian. Okay, I agree that Batman needs a more masculine partner than Robin, but why do we have to be politically correct with superheroes?

I have a feeling it will only get worse. Soon, Spiderman will be put on the endangered species list—after all, there is only one like him.

We’ll see new superheroes like Envirowoman, able to leap tall smokestacks in a single bound.

And you can rest easy because no matter how angry people are, Transgendered will be on the scene to resolve all conflict. It’s half man/half woman and understands the sensitivity of both genders.

Whenever your feelings get hurt, whenever you must be responsible, somebody will be there to defend you—Captain PoliCore! Oh, Jesse Jackson already has that role.

I beg you (because most people forget); please remember the middle class superhero who drives a KIA and alerts citizens to the high pensions of corporate CEOs, The 16 Dollar Man.