I Hate to Bring it Up But...

There are some unwritten child laws that require discussion. Kids won’t talk about them but I discovered these two laws on my own:

1. The only permissible time for children to vomit is between 1 and 4 in the morning. There is something about a parent’s slumber that makes a child nauseous.
2. If rule number one cannot be followed, they must hurl in public places.
   

The first rule is one of those things that people forget to mention when encouraging you to have children. During marriage preparation this insight should be standard instruction for the pastor or priest. “And tell me, how do you react to waking from a deep slumber to the sound of a goat being tortured and discovering last night’s ravioli plastered to the bathroom door…and wall…and carpet leading from the bedroom?”

Rule number two has more flexibility because a kid can find large groups of people anywhere. Weddings, graduations, and classrooms are common settings. Then there is the grocery store. Since becoming a parent I really know what’s going on when I hear a voice echo, “Ted, cleanup on aisle four.”