News for 5/31/06

• New research shows that people dealing with chronic pain may get some relief by listening to any kind of music for an hour a day. As a result, teenage pains in the butt made Hips Don’t Lie the most common Mother’s Day gift.
  
  
• A Kentucky man got a surprise when he found a two-foot long python in his rental car. It’s the first rental car appearance by a snake since O.J. Simpson did the Hertz commercials.
  
  
• In Wheaton, Ill., Gary Karafiat recently had his wallet returned after he lost it at a basketball game. It fell under the bleachers 35 years ago—when Ben Wallace’s afro was a baby follicle.
  
  
• The City of Chicago has put out a bid request to build a city-wide wireless Internet system. This is good news for Cub hitters because lately they’ve had a problem connecting with anything.
  
  
• Services were held recently for the former college student known as the “Naked Guy,” who gained notoriety in the early 1990s for attending his classes in the buff. It was a small funeral; apparently he didn’t have much support.

Weekly Review for 5/26/06

• Martha Stewart is going to start an online social network similar to MySpace.com. It will be cleaned and sanitized daily to keep those pesky, hard to reach areas clear of viruses.
  
  
• Nike is teaming with Apple to create a mini iPod for running shoes. The shoes retail for about $100 and is being called a "smart shoe." They're so smart it can con a person out of $100.
  
  
• In Washington, scientists are pursuing the creation of a Harry Potter-like “invisibility cloak.” They’ve been consulting with John Kerry to see how his works.
  
  
• The White House says a bill that would grant legal status to illegal immigrants is analogous to a traffic law that allows a speeder to pay a fine and continue driving. Americans agree because both Illegal immigrants and traffic tickets make us scream and take money from our pocket.
  
  
• A Minnesota man was arrested for intent to sell marijuana after his 6-year-old son and his friends discovered the 35 grams in the boy's Scooby Doo backpack. The man said he would have got away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

In Her Defense

Pay attention, this is the only time I’ll ever defend Britney Spears. Ah-hem. Last week she almost dropped her kid while walking on the sidewalk. This coming a few weeks after she straps the child in the carseat the wrong way…a few days after she was seen driving with him on her lap…a few days after Junior falls from the highchair. Sounds like a normal first-time parent to me. It would be fun to turn the camera on these parent police.

But if what she has done is so bad, why aren’t all of the expert parent/poperatzi/news achors knocking on my door? In the early days of my son’s life they would have seen his father almost stab him with a steak knife, bounce him off the bed, and nearly use Icy-Hot as a replacement for Vaseline. Oh, I also locked him in the master bedroom; actually, he locked me out but my wife says I still have to take responsibility for that one. And that was just his first week home…

So I guess it’s safe to assume that all of those appalled at Britney’s mistakes have done a masterful parenting job themselves. Now I have to go because Caller ID shows that somebody named “Social Services” is calling.

Weekly Review for 5/19/06

• A campground in Utah is closed because of bubonic plague detected among field mice and chipmunks. It’s believed the rodents contracted the disease after playing with some filthy children.
  
  
• To make sure her wishes are clear, an 80-year-old Iowa woman had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest. Attorneys suggest that the woman put her wishes on paper because a judge would say the current document is a bust.
  
  
• A California home is on the market for $75 million. That's not bad considering it’s a double-wide.
  
  
• At the Gerber Foods factory in England, gallons of Sunny D concentrate leaked into a nearby river and killed dozens of fish. Because the spill was an environmental hazard, Al Gore is making a movie based on the events. It’s called “An Inconvenient Juice.”
  
  
• Northwest Airlines is negotiating with its ground crew in an attempt to avoid a strike. Talks intensified when baggage handlers threatened to find everybody’s luggage if their demands were not met.
  
  
• Sunday, a Florida woman was shot through the windshield of the car she was riding in. Miraculously, she was protected by her seatbelt and a thick bra strap. But advocates for abstinence say it’s no miracle, as those two items have been protecting women for years.

I Hate to Bring it Up But...

There are some unwritten child laws that require discussion. Kids won’t talk about them but I discovered these two laws on my own:

1. The only permissible time for children to vomit is between 1 and 4 in the morning. There is something about a parent’s slumber that makes a child nauseous.
2. If rule number one cannot be followed, they must hurl in public places.
   

The first rule is one of those things that people forget to mention when encouraging you to have children. During marriage preparation this insight should be standard instruction for the pastor or priest. “And tell me, how do you react to waking from a deep slumber to the sound of a goat being tortured and discovering last night’s ravioli plastered to the bathroom door…and wall…and carpet leading from the bedroom?”

Rule number two has more flexibility because a kid can find large groups of people anywhere. Weddings, graduations, and classrooms are common settings. Then there is the grocery store. Since becoming a parent I really know what’s going on when I hear a voice echo, “Ted, cleanup on aisle four.”

Ay Carumba!

• Anybody notice how ironic it is that the fastest growing U.S. cable channel is the (Mexican President Vicente) Fox News Channel?
  
  
• President Bush will address the nation tonight about immigration. His speech can be viewed on the major U.S. networks, Telemundo and Univision.
  
  
• The National Guard troops deployed to the border will not carry out law enforcement, but instead will lend support to the border patrol. That support comes in helping border patrol agents hold a large red banner and yelling “Ole!”
  
  
• Critics suggest that Guard members will be bored and have to play games to pass the time: “Red Rover, Red Rover, send Paco right over!”
  
  
• The last major domestic task for Guard members was assisting in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. So what’s the difference between a hurricane and the wave of aliens entering the U.S? One floods the streets and leaves many without jobs and schools. The other is a hurricane.

Weekly Review for 5/14/06

• The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers rejected a proposal to create a “.xxx” domain for porn sites. They did, however, agree to the “.$$$” domain.
  
  
• A new Harris poll indicates that President Bush’s approval rating has dropped to 29 percent. Liberals are excited at the news because it greatly reduces his odds of being reelected.
  
  
• President Bush will address the nation on immigration Monday night. That is, if the White House can find a translator.
  
  
• Paris Hilton released a new video game that can be played on cell phones. Critics complain that the game only works when a phone is set to vibrate.
  
  
• Thursday the F.D.A. approved a new anti-smoking pill. After you lose the urge to smoke you take the anti-smoldering pill.

A Different Animal

I come from a family that has hunting in its DNA. But I don’t like to hunt. Fortunately, my dad and brothers don’t hunt black sheep. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy taking a life as much as the next guy. And I hunted while growing up. I love the outdoors and I support the Second Ammendment.

But it’s no accident I was born during the evolution of the microwave. I think God put me on earth at this time for a reason. He knew I would starve if I had to kill my own food. I would have been a lousy caveman because I’m not good with clubs. Well, not counting the time I conquered a beastly sparrow on the 13th hole. Sheldon Brock can talk on the subject of my spear throwing ability. The scar on his shoulder shows how bad I missed the target with a lawn dart in the third grade.

But I’ll hunt again because my son loves it. I just have to master the craft of bringing down a bull elk with stinging sarcasm.

Strange News Day

• Iran announced it will ban athletes with an effeminate look. Much like the WNBA.
  
  
• Kara Monaco, a former Disney dancer who portrayed Cinderella, is the new Playboy Playmate of the Year. I guess Hugh Hefner can now be called Pimp Charming.
  
  
• A woman from Maine is accused of helping her daughter bake cookies laced with Ex-Lax for her teacher at school. Although the woman pleaded not guilty, authorities say the evidence is piled high.
  
  
• ...and David Blaine will attempt to eat those cookies.

A Preposition You Can't Refuse

I love capitalism. Driving down the street in the last week I’ve seen signs advertising a Jewelry Sale, a Carpet Sale, and a Clearance Sale. My neighbor just threw his hat in the ring. He’s having a For Sale. Even put a sign in his front yard.

I’m not sure why people want to sell their fors. It’s an important preposition; for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer. And why is for the only preposition people don’t want? You never hear anybody disussing the Over Sale or the But Sale. People try to peddle fors from their cars or boats or motorcycles. Some try to negotiate: "For Sale: Make Offer". I avoid these sales. After all, what can you offer for a for? One student on our campus created a flyer telling me where I could preview his offer: “For Sale By Owner.” I looked all around him and didn’t see his for.

It seems everybody having a home-based For Sale eventually moves. They must be a bear to load on the U-Haul. I’ll have to ask my neighbor before the weekend. Saturday he'll be busy with a Garage Sale.

Week In Review

• British scientists report that roasted vegetables are actually as acidic as fizzy drinks. What’s worse, they’re more painful when you burp them through your nose.
  
  
• Also in Britain, a woman is pregnant at the age of 63. After the baby is born she can be a stay at nursing home mom.
  
  
• CBS launched a web site that offers some of its existing TV shows. For protection, my anti-virus software won’t let me watch the Young and the Restless.
  
  
• Despite the controversy surrounding the porous Mexican border, Americans are grateful for Cinco de Mayo. The Mexican food is providing the cheapest gas they’ve found in months.
  
  
• Korean scientists have developed a female android. They named it eveR-1, and it’s just the third human-like android in the world. The robots preceding eveR-1 were Japan’s ACTROID, and the United States’ ALGORE.

News Today

• Scientists at Cornell University report that honeybees are better at decision-making than humans. The study took ten years, thus confirming their research.
  
  
• A new survey indicates that many young Americans can’t find Louisiana on a map. They shouldn’t feel bad. Neither can FEMA.
  
  
• Today The Minuteman Project civilian border patrol group kicked off a 12-city tour. Ironically, the tour T-shirts are made in Mexico.

Gangsta Trash

I got reprimanded by the Sanitation Department. I put a piece of wood out with the trash and they made an example of me. They hung a florescent pink tag on my front door with a blistering note. They put a check mark in the little box that said my wood was construction material and I have to dispose of it myself. I thought I did. I took it down the driveway and set it on the curb.

They took tree branches a couple of weeks ago. I think those are made of wood. But now it’s like they’re some kind of sanitation mafia, bullying us simple people who just want to discard our wood. They ride around on their big trucks, hanging on with one hand. Everybody knows it’s illegal to ride in the back of a truck but the cops won’t touch them.

When these thugs are ready to make a pickup—or “hit” as I bet they call it—they just stop in the middle of the street (yet another violation a regular citizen would be cited for). Cars behind them have to go around or come to a stop. And the drivers never honk or yell at the mafia. They wait. They wait because nobody wants to become Hester Prynne, bearing the humility of that pink sanitation scarlett letter. But as much as we try to avoid another driveby we know it’s inevitable. These guys are untouchable.

The Sleeping Giant

I agree with the late Mitch Hedburg: I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Anti-war people protested over the weekend. Pro-illegal immigrant people are protesting today. I’m tired of protests. I guess you could say I’m pro-anti-protest. Or I'm anti-pro-protest. Nonetheless, I’m organizing a protest against the protests. That’s right, a Protest protest.

But you have to watch closely. We won’t carry signs. We won’t leave the house. In fact, we won’t go anywhere. The rally cries of those angry people on TV will be drowned by our silence. Oh sure, those other protests have thousands in the streets. But our Protest protest already has millions nationwide. They choose not to engage, and by default that means they’re a part of the Protest protest. But that’s the American way. Sometimes a guy has to take a stand…and then sit down.