Not On the Front Page

• Australian researchers report that radiation from cell phones affects the way the brain works. Apparently the radiation makes people drive their cars and yell in public places.
  
  
• A new trashy video game is set to launch this summer in which cartoon people meet, flirt and have sex with other player characters. Fortunately, the game isn’t called Donkey Kong.
  
  
• A Cornell University horticulturist suggests that you can stunt the growth of fast growing house plants by giving them hard liquor. His research was made public by his children, Fern, Ivy, and Stump.

Do They Really Want That?

I’m conservative, but I’m not a Bush Drone (sounds like a good name for a sleeping pill—but it only works if you sleep on your right side). With Neil Young’s new song Let’s Impeach the President gaining attention, the anti-Bush people are speaking up again.

I wonder if they’ve thought this through. If Dub is impeached, Dick Cheney becomes the Head Fred. Many say Dick is the brains behind the duo to begin with. If they’re unhappy with the advice he’s given Bush to this point, a Cheney presidency would put them over the edge faster than you can say Harry Whittington.

Water Cooler News

• Scientists have discovered a mutant gene that triggers the body to form a second skeleton. Many Americans are excited because some politicians will have the chance to grow a spine.
  
  
• Former Enron Chairman and Chief Executive Kenneth Lay testified at his criminal trial on Tuesday saying that his corporation was the victim of a “witch hunt.” Prosecutors agreed, saying, “He’s right. We were hunting to find which set of books was authentic.”
  
  
• Childbirth training for medical students is being enhanced by life-sized computer controlled mannequins. The pregnant robots can be programmed to simulate various delivery scenarios from severe complications to quick, relatively easy births. Researchers have named the robot Katie Holmes.

I'm Not Jealous

My son just turned seven. He’s a good kid. But I do have a complaint. His hair. And I’m not saying that because my hairline looks like the letter “M” (high on the sides, low in the valley). His hair defies anything that could keep it in place. Gel, hairspray, JB Weld—none of it works. There is some kind of magnetic force in his hair that makes it point due north. It comes in handy when we’re camping but makes it miserable when he’s around his grandfather’s pacemaker. That’s really why we think our sons are little Einsteins. They have the hair.

Tom?

What has happened to Tom Cruise? First he spouts off about how his wife must remain silent during delivery, then claims he’ll eat the placenta. It's a safe bet he won’t be asked to deliver the keynote at the upcoming N.O.W. banquet. Even Michael Jackson is saying, “Wow. That’s one odd duck.”

By the way, now that baby Suri has landed on planet earth, Tom reportedly will be feeding her a special mix of Scientology-approved baby formula. It's a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup. Kind of like a beer milkshake. I’m guessing Kate gets to change the diapers.

Under the Radar

• In Japan, a telecommunications company is synchronizing seven different smells to parts of the new Colin Farrell movie, “The New World.” A floral scent accompanies a love scene, while a mix of peppermint and rosemary is emitted during a tear-jerking scene. Critics say the new technology isn’t necessary because most movies coming out of Hollywood already stink.
  

• A new class of devices aims to convert mechanical energy created from body movement into electrical energy. One inventor said, “You could envision having these devices in your shoes to produce electricity as you walk.” So any batter facing the Royals could provide enough energy to light Kaufmann Stadium.
  

• Fossils discovered in Utah are from a new birdlike species resembling a turkey. Geologists reached this conclusion when they also found fossils of cavemen asleep in Lazy-Boys near a TV.
  

• Pop star George Michael hit three cars while trying to park his SUV in London early Sunday. It’s Michael’s first multi-hit record in a decade.
  

I Choose Not to Choose

I’m searching for a new razor. The type of razor I’ve used for years was discontinued. A guy has a few choices when looking at these things. After spending three hours perusing an entire isle in the store I began to think. Back in the day you chose from a single blade or a double blade. Now there are triple and quadruple blade razors. There are vibrating razors. A vibrating razor? That’s funny.

But apparently it doesn’t matter which razor I go with. Depending on the TV commercial I watch, my razor will give me a tan, give me a herculean body, and force my wife to rub my face while she gives me the look. My career will advance, my bank account will grow, and my kids will respect me. Therefore, I’m using every kind of blade on the shelf. Except that vibrating one.

Update: I discovered another razor with five blades--called the Fusion. Appropriately named because this search for the perfect razor is melting my brain.

Business News

• The quarterly profits for Smuckers Company are up, but they warn that high energy costs could put them in a jam.
• Wendy’s profits are down. There could be several reasons why, but they can’t put a finger on it.
• Ford Motor Co. introduced a mini-fleet of gas-electric hybrid taxicabs to serve New York City. They're more fuel efficient and corner on the sidewalks better.
• Scientists in the Netherlands have developed a pair of eyeglasses with hearing aids embedded in the arms. So now you can see the person screaming at you.

In the News

• At Miami International Airport, radio communication between air traffic controllers and pilots was interrupted by a pirate hip hop radio station. The pilots enjoyed hearing the station in their headphones so much that now they demand air traffic controllers announce the arrival of flight crews by saying, “Here’s Bones, Thugs-N-Harmony.”
• Actress Susan Sarandon is set to portray anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan in an upcoming movie. Michael Moore will be the group of angry war protesters.
• A Florida State University professor suggests that perhaps Jesus didn’t really walk on water as described in the Bible. He says that a scientific explanation of the miracle could be that Jesus actually walked on a hard-to-see patch of ice. Christians are encouraging the professor to talk about ice as much as possible because he will need plenty of it where he’s going.

Even Willard Can be Wrong

Our Kansas town was supposed to have a spring-like temp in the 70s today. The weather people were off a bit and it only reached the 50s. With the whining going on you would think the governor issued a proclamation declaring nobody could have a left arm. Most people fail to recognize the fact that sometimes we get what we pay for. A weather report is free information from the radio, TV, Internet, or lady in the checkout line. Mark Twain said that we shouldn’t complain about the weather. Without it, 9 out of 10 people wouldn’t have anything to talk about.