Weekly Review 12/29/06

• Arnold Schwarzenegger broke his right leg skiing, making obvious what some have suspected for a long time: he leans to the left.
  
  
• The U.S. government declared that food from cloned animals is safe to eat. You’ll just throw up twice as much.
  
  
• Saddam Hussein's lawyer implored world leaders to prevent the United States from handing over the dictator to Iraqi authorities for hanging. An Iraqi official said, “Our hands are tied at this point, but we plan to cut him loose soon.”
  
  
• Paris Hilton is reportedly jealous of Saddam because now he will be the world’s most talked about swinger.
  
  
• Mike Tyson faces DUI charges after being pulled over in Scottsdale early Friday morning. When the judge asked how he wants to plead, an angry Tyson said, “Come closer and I’ll whisper it in your ear.”
  

Weekly Review 12/22/06

• To assist in weight loss, Boston researchers introduced a new nasal spray that reduces the sense of smell that draws people to food. They call it “Taco Bell.”
  
  
• The Denver Nuggets trade for Allen Iverson is having an immediate economic impact on the city. There are already seven new tattoo parlors.
  
  
• There is uncertainty if Iverson and Carmelo Anthony can coexist on the same team. To ease tensions, a separate locker room is being built for their egos.
  
  
• Headline: Man Gets College Diploma at Age 100 (asks for deferment on student loan)
  
  
• A Chicago man is being charged with stealing the identities of nearly 90 Major League baseball players. His bond was set at 250 syringes.

Weekly Review 12/15/06

• Prince will headline the Super Bowl halftime show next month, where he’ll perform a new song, “I Could Never Take the Place of Your Band.”
  
  
• Nicole Richie was arrested for driving under the influence early Monday morning. To see how much she drank, officers held her up to a headlight.
  
  
• Swedish police will have to order their first toilet paper in 20 years after an administrative error in 1986 left them with an enormous stock. Nobody knows which person made the ordering mistake, and now the officers have nothing to go on.
  
  
• A foreign student at a Rhode Island truck driving school is under investigation after he told his instructor he only wants to learn how to drive forward. He says he’ll learn how to back up when he goes to France.
  
  
• Italian researchers say that shots of Botox can relieve constipation. “Apparently Italians inject it in a different place,” said Senator Nancy Pelosi.
  
  

Ambiguous Tears

Once a guy begins writing comedy, he views the world differently. Political correctness has to take a back seat because life really is funny. Even when it’s not. There’s really no appropriate way to introduce certain topics without sounding crass. I’ll just begin:

So I’m at this funeral…actually, yesterday there was a viewing of our friend. Indeed, he looked peaceful with his arms folded and his rosary in his hands. As my wife and I stood paying our respects, another person came up and commented, “He sure looks good, doesn't he?”

“Looks good? Compared to what? I hate to split hairs but I’ve seen him look much better than this. You know, with his eyes open and breathing and stuff.”

That’s what I wanted to say. Instead, I smiled in agreement.

Maybe that woman’s comment wasn’t that funny. In a sad atmosphere, caring people want to say something that will ease the pain without using a cliché; often, they try a bit too hard. Even in death we’re all human. And funny.

Weekly Review 12/8/06

• Former president Jimmy Carter said he wants to be buried in the front yard of his Plains, GA home. Political observers understand this as they’ve watched him dig his own grave since leaving the White House.
  
  

• To mark the 30th anniversary of Elvis Presley’s death, Hershey’s is introducing a peanut butter and banana Reece’s Cup. Only seven will be produced, but they’re expected to reappear at gas stations and restaurants throughout the Midwest.
  

• Headline: Green Onions Target of Taco Bell E. Coli
  Album sales plummet for Booker T & the MG’s
  

• A man shopping at an Oklahoma Wal-Mart found a small bag of cocaine on the shelf. Police say it had little street value because it was part of the four dollar generic drug program.
  

• A Wisconsin salesman logged over 1 million miles on his Saab over the course of seventeen years, or as it’s measured in Chevy time, three back surgeries.

Weekly Review 12/1/06

• Headline: Judge Strikes Down Bush On Terror Groups (thousands martyred by poison oak)
  
  
• A New York man broke into his neighbor’s barn, spray-painted three pet goats and scattered pages of obscene magazines on the floor. Dateline NBC is scheduling a new investigation on kid porn.
  
  
• A Florida man stopped an alleged house burglar by beating him into submission with a football helmet. Though 44 years old, the homeowner received a scholarship to play football at the University of Miami.
  
  
• Italian researchers report that a ten-story tsunami thrashed the Mediterranean Sea 8,000 years ago. FEMA is dispatching assistance tomorrow.
  
  
• Partnering with the Arbor Day Foundation, Frito Lay is giving away 25,000 trees to nonprofit organizations. Prior to shipping, each tiny tree is wrapped in a gigantic bag filled with air.
  
  
• Reports from China say that a theme park will be built in honor of Bruce Lee. The park will boast a statue of the martial-arts expert, a conference hall, and a zero-gravity amusement ride called “Pants of Fury.”

Agency Discovers Sleeper Cells

(Miami) – A private detective agency announced the discovery of sleeper cells in several American venues.

Sleeper cells are a larger problem than once thought, according to Marvin Strutt, owner of Marvelous Marv's Detective Agency.

The investigation began when a client simply known as "The Boss" hired Strutt to observe events at his office when he couldn't be there all the time. "It seemed like an isolated case in an isolated office, but as we followed these people they connected with other 'sleepers'-that's what we call them in the business."

"I found sleepers everywhere. Employees with pillows in their offices, cars with reclining seats; some even sleep in airports. You name it, these people try to sleep in it," Strutt said from his parent's sofa in a Florida retirement village.

"Sleepers are hard to track, but at the same time they're everywhere. They live in cities and rural areas, all the time living seemingly ordinary lives. They go to work, have families, and eat Spam like every other American."

Even more disturbing to Strutt is the recruitment of children into the cells. "I tracked one guy for several weeks and every night, like clockwork, he made his daughter go to bed at nine o'clock. It's really heartbreaking."

Strutt wanted more time to make a complete investigation, but calendar restrictions forced him to take his findings public. "With Thanksgiving coming up, we knew we had to expose these people because of that one chemical in turkey that makes people tired. Thanksgiving is like a holiday for these sickos."

"In the end, we felt like Joe Q. Public should know who is living, or shall I say sleeping with him."

After the nineteen month nationwide investigation Strutt is exhausted, but refuses to put Americans at risk of the sleeper cells.

"We'll start another investigation soon. We've heard some rumors about what they're forcing kids in kindergarten to do after they eat their graham crackers."

Weekly Review 11/17/06

• Kobe Bryant is being sued by a man who claims that Bryant deliberately elbowed him when diving for a loose ball in the stands. Bryant doesn’t recall the incident but still bought the man a diamond ring.
  
  
• The Houston Dynamo won the MLS Cup, stunning Americans that there is Major League Soccer in America.
  
  
• A deer whose head was stuck in a plastic Halloween jack-o’-lantern for nearly a week is back to normal. It lost 10 pounds, giving parents of obese children an idea on how to use the candy bucket next Halloween.
  
  
• A Wisconsin man who changed his name to Andrew Jackson Griffith prior to an unsuccessful run for sheriff is being sued by the real Andy Griffith for trademark violations. The defendant had no comment and referred the matter to his attorney, Ben Matlock.
  
  
• The fan who instigated the Pacers-Pistons brawl in 2004 is reportedly banned for life from Detroit Pistons home games. He is, however, a season ticket holder for the Jerry Springer Show.
  

Get a Whiff of This

My son came home yesterday after being roughed up by a bully. Pushed him down and punched him in the eye.

Sometimes a father just reacts without realizing the child is paying attention. “He pushed you down? He punched you? That kid needs to have his clock cleaned—and good. He better hope I don’t see him alone because I’ll knock him into next Tuesday!…Um, you know, in a nice, Christian kind of way.”

As we’re told, “boys will be boys,” and “that’s what boys do.” I think it would be easier if our kids were skunks. Skunks are scary animals. Nobody wants to see them raise that tail. If a child could be a skunk, he would just raise his leg to threaten the goon that bullies him. “Hey shrimp, give me your money or else I’ll…Oh, hey, man, you know I was just joking, right?”

It’s a bonus that as a child-skunk he is actually peeing on the bully when he does spray. Because really, skunks will be skunks and that’s what skunks do…

Mayberry 9-1-1

I took a little break from the blogosphere. It took about a week to get my jaw off the ground after the elections. While a few Republicans had scandals, immorality, and spending issues, I think many Americans will wake up one morning and realize they just put Barney Fife in charge of national security. When Iran has a nuke pointed at us he’ll be looking for his bullet, and blaming Bush for hiding it. The question is, will it be too late for Sheriff Taylor to save him?

Don’t get me wrong, I think most Dems want what’s best for America. No, really, I do. I just don’t think many understand the severity of what is happening in the Middle East. Iraq is a problem. However, it’s a piece of a larger problem. Nancy P. and the Fancy Pants Band give no indication that they understand that.

We all want our troops home. We all want peace. But a quick drawdown of the troops now opens the door for bigger problems.

Democrats Cheated!

Okay, maybe not. I'm actually happy that there is a shift in power. Republicans can understand the importance of paying attention to their conservative base, and Dems will get their chance to put their ideas into place instead of playing Monday morning quarterback.

I'm excited about some of the younger Democrats that ran on a conservative platform. Who will be the leaders? I'm most concerned about the Nancy Pelosi/Ted Kennedy nuts that are still around.

The issues the new Dem majority must remember:

The War On Terror
Obviously we have not suffered an attack since 9/11. Some libs have actually said, "Well, we weren't attacked before 9/11." That's funny, in a sad, ignorant way. They forget the Trade Center attack in 1993, and the 2000 attack on the U.S.S. Cole that killed 17 sailors. In 1983 Iran bombed the marine barracks in Beirut, killing 241 servicemen. All of those events were tackled with sanctions. Osama called the U.S. a "paper tiger" because he thought we were weak. If I were a fly on his cave wall I think at this point he might retract that comment.

The W.O.T. doesn't begin and end with Iraq, but if we lose in Iraq the terrorists will own the second largest oil supply in the world (so, yes, Michael Moore, it is about oil). If terrorists have unlimited money, we might as well size up our praying mats. The Patriot Act works, and I've yet to hear of an American whose rights have really been stolen. To that end, it really freaked me out to hear Harry Reid exclaim, "We defeated the Patriot Act!"

Immigration
Surprisingly, few politicians make the connection to illegals and terrorism. Open borders are pretty inviting to those wanting to do us harm. Lawful immigration is what makes America great. Breaking the law weakens us. Congress has to work to secure the borders and stop worrying about what Mexico might think.

The Economy
If the W.O.T. fails, nothing else really matters. But I kind of like keeping the money that I earn. I get to decide what charity gets my money. Roughly 65 percent of the federal budget finances government handouts. Sure, we need to take care of those who can't take care of themselves. But there are too many taking us all for a ride because the Chuck Schumer's of the world convince them that they're victims and can't help themselves.

God knows better because He gave us all the ability to make decisions to make our lives better or worse. But then we ALL have to take responsibility for our lives.

Nowhere in the Constitution or the Bible (can I write those two words in the same sentence?) have I read that life is supposed to be fair. All the gubmint owes us is opportunity. In fact, most people tested by fire will say that they are stronger and more confident after pulling themselves out of a mess. So why don't social workers get commissions when they help somebody get off welfare? Perhaps that's a topic for a different day.

Tax cuts have worked. I don't know that anybody can argue with that. The idea that only the rich should be taxed is ridiculous. The top 5 percent already pay the majority of the taxes. Why should the rich be punished for doing well?

I'm still trying to see the Dems take on Social Security. Simple math shows that it's a failing system. It is the ultimate Ponzi Scheme, which the F.T.C. ruled illegal. Bush's idea is that we get to decide whether we contribute or not. If I invest it and lose it all, that's my fault. If I want to participate in the government pyramid, then I'll get my .5 percent return and it's there for my retirement. Somehow, that plan got translated into "Bush is going to steal your retirement!" Social Security is a communist idea, which I learned in history class is not necessarily a sound philosophy.

Oil
Big Oil wouldn't be so greedy if we had access to our own resources. Let's drill in the desolate areas of Alaska and stick out our tongues at Hugo Chavez.

Education
A lot of hot air gets blown on this. Namely, let's give a load of money for college students. I work at a college and really wish people would talk about the obscene profits universities are making with the same passion they give Big Oil. It's no secret that liberals dominate the landscape at our public universities. It's unlikely they'll turn down a raise either. Anybody in higher education will notice that colleges don't set their tuition (generally increasing about twenty percent EACH YEAR) until the feds announce the maximum Pell a student can receive. The cycle will continue until legislation freezes, or at least slows tuition hikes.

I think most politicians ultimately want the best for us. Some are just more concerned about style over substance. I think the above is the minimum needed to get us through the next few years.

Hmmm. Not a funny article on a blog that has the word "funny" in the title. We'll get back to the immature antics soon.

Weekly Review 11/4/06

• A University of Texas study indicates that the new NBA synthetic basketball bounces differently. The Atlanta Hawks also claim it won’t go in the basket.
  
  
• Japanese researchers found a dolphin with partial legs. It's expected to start Sunday against the Bears.
  
  
• A new study shows that a male birth control pill might be possible. It is most effective if taken while watching “The View.”
  
  
• Headline: Amish to Build New School in Pa. It’s expected to be completed by the time you finish reading this sentence.

Locker Room Laundry Makes Good

(WASHINGTON) In a surprising announcement, Time Magazine revised its Man of the Year award and selected a sock to receive the Puppet of the Year (P.O.T.Y).

"A lot of people say it's rigged,” said the sock, who goes by the name of Seymour. "Okay, I’m a puppet. So what? In 1989 they named the earth the friggin’ Planet of the Year."

But Seymour believes the anger over his selection might be racially motivated.

"Personally, I think people are upset because I’m white. I admit there are some dress socks out there who could have won. But I paid the price. A lesser sock would give up after spending a year in the wet corner of a locker room."

That locker room is where Seymour decided to turn his life around.

"They say you have to hit bottom before getting up. Living in the locker room was a dark time for me, literally. The lighting in that place was horrible. Anyway, I got addicted to foot powder. I got so desperate to feed my addiction that I even sold one of my eyes to a snowman."

"I felt so guilty after that. I knew things had to change." Seymour hopped the next duffle bag out of the locker room and never looked back.

Time Editor-In-Chief Norman Perlstine says it was a difficult decision. "Al Gore has done a lot to help protect the environment. But he just doesn't have the personality we're looking for to represent such a high-profile award. But Seymour... is quite charming."

"We also considered Mel Gibson because of his contribution in raising awareness of alcohol abuse. And um, free speech. But in the end our panel didn't go with him on the grounds that he went too far with Lethal Weapons three and four. He should have stopped after the second one.

"We need a representative that has a good sense of timing -- like Seymour. He's our puppet."

Weekly Review 10/28/06

A little late, but...

• NASA is working on better smoke detectors for spacecrafts. They’re also revising the “meet at the neighbor’s mailbox” exit plan.
  
  
• The cremated remains of Hall of Famer Kirby Puckett were given to his children. Except for a few ashes stuck to the finger of Tigers pitcher Kenny Rogers.
  
  
• Headline: Movement seen at North Korea Nuclear Test Site. Yah, a bowel movement.
  
  
• A Viennese man cut off his ring finger and presented it, still holding the wedding band, to his ex-wife after a nasty divorce. He is charged with dangerous harassment and impersonating a shop teacher.
  
  
• Federal agents confiscated a stuffed gull on the wall of a Maine restaurant because the bird is on the endangered species list. Across town, owners of the Wooly Mammoth Diner had no comment.

Weekly Review 10/20/06

• In Kansas, scientists used ground penetrating radar to uncover a meteorite buried 4 feet beneath a field. Their next field assignment is to locate missing Oakland Raider linemen buried in Denver.
  
  
• An Austrian workman slipped while working on a house and nailed his left testicle to the roof with a nail gun. The event inspired a new HBO series, The Falsettos.
  
  
• Scientists are pursuing the creation of a Harry Potter-like “invisibility cloak.” They’re consulting with John Kerry to see how his works.
  
  
• The Republican chairman of the House Intelligence Committee suspended a Democratic staff member pending an investigation into whether he leaked a high-level intelligence assessment. Democrats argue on the grounds that there is no high-level intelligence in government.
  
  
• The man posting an Internet threat that "dirty bombs" would detonate this weekend at NFL stadiums is Jake J. Brahm, a Wisconsin grocery store clerk. His orange prison jumpsuit will be made of paper...or plastic.
  
  
• Troops fighting in Afghanistan stumbled across 10-foot marijuana plants that Taliban militants were using as cover. The militants claim they were plant sitting for Willie Nelson while he’s on tour.

Soda Pop for Senator!

I'm tired of politics, but I like soda. Fortunately, I found a candidate I can get behind. Below is the transcript from his new radio commercial.

***

Soda: My name is Soda Pop and I approved this message.

(James Earl Jones): The Republicans say they love children, but none of them send America’s youth into a frenzy like Soda Pop.

The Democrats believe in a mix of all nationalities, but no mixer is better than Soda.

When you pull the curtain in the voting booth, remember the one that will be there early in the morning. He’s the one with you on your first date, at the football game, in your lap. He’s Soda Pop, and he wants your vote.

His opponent—Chuck Lotmilk—says that Soda keeps everything bottled up. But even when he’s on the rocks, Soda keeps his cool. Need proof? Soda voted for higher taxes and then voted to lower them—even though he was in the can while voting.

Soda Pop is diverse. He’s light enough to calm Don Rumsfeld from killing us all. Or he can provide enough punch to help Al Gore blink.

Many people don’t know what state he represents. Soda Pop represents all of America’s states, specifically the State of Denial and the State of Confusion.

Americans can’t get enough of Soda Pop. His effervescent personality is uniting citizens from Bangor to Portland (Oregon, that is). Some call him Soda, others call him Pop. It doesn’t matter what you call him, as long as you call him Senator in November.

It’s important to make an investment in America. Get out and vote. As Soda says: “No Deposit—No Return.”

(Second Voice): This message paid for by the Soda Pop for Senate Champaign. Mel Gibson, Chairperson.)

Weekly Review 10/16/06

• In Paris, employees at Euro Disney shot and distributed a "home movie" of several Disney characters in sexual positions. Critics blame Donald Duck because he never wears pants.
  
  
• After the on-field brawl with Florida International on Saturday, University of Miami officials suspended 13 football players from playing at Duke next week. Ashamed by their actions, the suspended players volunteered to watch the game at the residence of the Duke Lacrosse team.
  
  
• London street traders are facing charges after selling perfume made from urine. Customers grew suspicious when they suffered skin irritations and seeing that the perfume is called Love Potion Number One.
  
  
• An Ohio man robbed a bank and immediately handed the money to a guard, hoping to get a prison term that provides the necessities until he is eligible for Social Security. If this plan doesn’t work he’ll meet with a lawyer over a scalding hot cup of McDonald’s coffee.
  
  
• A Delaware grandmother mailing 30 fruitcakes sued the U.S. Postal Service after accusations of being a terrorist from a postal clerk. The judge dismissed the case quickly because he didn’t want the evidence in the courtroom.
  
  
• A post office in the San Fernando Valley was dedicated in the honor of legendary basketball coach John Wooden. There was an awkward moment when an old lady interrupted the ceremony by hurling fruitcakes.

A Diner's Guide to Diners

You might be a little nervous about going to a diner. But if you follow suggestions from the experts you too can become a Dynamic Diner.

The Entrance

When you arrive at the diner you may see a note written on a chalk board that tells you to wait for somebody to seat you. If nobody from the friendly staff greets you it's probably because they're hard at work.

However, there are ways to get their attention. The easiest is to stand behind the register. This is something Dynamic Diners refer to as "fiddling with stuff." If you're in a hurry, go ahead and open the register drawer. The ringing noise it makes when you open it is the staff's signal that they have a customer needing attention.

The Menu

There may be several options on the menu. If you're unsure what some of the dishes are you can ask your server. If the server is unavailable, look under the table because the family sitting in your booth before you might have politely left a few samples.

On the road to becomming a Dynamic Diner you may want to remember these basics:

-The Meatloaf Special is "special" for reasons most diners don't need to know.

-The Bottomless Cup of Coffee is an industry term referring to an unlimited amount of coffee. It actually came about from the coffee eroding the bottom of the cup. In an exciting breakthrough, NASA is close to designing a material able to withstand the bite of diner coffee.

- For those 55 and older, diners offer an "Early Bird Special." Remember, the early bird gets the worm.

- If the diner offers a "Soup of the Day," be sure to ask which day they're talking about.

- As a general rule, avoid fresh fish in landlocked states such as Kansas and Nebraska. Some diners offer beer battered fish. If you dine late enough you may see beer battered people. They're easy to identify because they talk extremely loud.

The Environment

- Most diners play country or oldies music. Hank Williams is often played because it's the law. His music fulfills both requirements. Check the laws in your state.

- It is a good idea to use the facilities at home before visiting the diner, but if you think nature might call be sure to plan ahead. Bring a plunger. And some toilet paper.

-IMPORTANT! Secure your salt shaker lid that the youngsters in the booth adjacent to yours loosened while your were busy in the facilities. If you unknowingly play into their joke, a paper straw missle to the head seems to squelch the laughter. And a kick in the shins.

The Exit

Tip well, because some day that could be you serving up the grub to Dynamic Diners in training. To show your appreciation (and your diner savy), upon your exit always proclaim to the staff, "You can kiss my grits!" They like that.

Weekly Review 10/6/06

• In Germany, a plastic surgeon gave pictures to police of the enlarged breasts of women cheating him out of payments after surgery. Officials are frustrated because the “wanted” posters keep disappearing from the post office.
  
  
• Federal officials began an investigation into a fire that ruined about 4 percent of America's yield of hops, used as flavoring in the brewing of beer. They suspect terrorist mastermind Ibin drinkin Tmuch.
  
  
• A Japanese man recited pi to 100,000 decimal places from memory, setting what some claim to be a new world record. Sadly, he couldn’t call the Guinness Book of World Records because he forgot the phone number.
  
  
• Iraqis are finding humor in a television comedy called, “Hurry up, He’s Dead.” The show’s popularity grew after producers changed the title from, “Two and a Half Jihadists.”
  
  
• German drugmaker Schering warned consumers not to use hemorrhoid cream on their faces, a method used to reduce puffy eyes. Many supermodels argue that they need the cream because their heads cannot hold the weight of sliced cucumbers.

Oh, the Humanity!

This week I write with shame and humility. I crossed a line—no, THE line—that tempts all men using the Internet. I visited one of those beckoning sites that create an ethical dilemma. On one hand, men have needs. Psychologists say that we are the more visual of the two sexes. On the other hand, those sites appeal to the primal urge in all of us. They exploit those involved and seek to catch us at a vulnerable moment.

Unfortunately, this night I failed to guard my instincts and I caved.

In my defense, it was late. My family slept as I entered my office to write. I innocently used a search engine to explore an unfamiliar topic. As it happens, I lost my focus. I began to wander from one link to another until I reached a page that alerted the internal alarm on my computer.

The content filter (used to keep my sweet children from viewing inappropriate pages) blocked me. I forgot the safeguard even existed. I mentally recalled some—but not all—of the software maker’s keyword list that shielded my innocent family from the evils of cyberspace. Now, the guardian stood tall on my screen requiring a password before allowing me to continue my descent into the pond of sludge.

I sat in silence, each blink of the cursor separated by one second as if it were asking if I wanted to waste precious moments of my life viewing such scum. Quickly, I typed the password before any sense of reason could stop me.

I exhaled deeply and watched the page download a bright orange banner highlighting a word used daily by bottom dwellers of our world: FROGS.

Dare we mention those mischievous frogs? According to my computer, chaos ensues when one associates with the words skin, legs, belly, and tongue.

Weekly Review 9/29/06

• To remind a forgetful man of his anniversary, a Jeweler is selling a wedding band that heats up 24 hours before the special day. It also comes with a string to tie around the other finger to remind him why his finger is burning.
  
  
• Venezuelan president Hugo Chavez says the White House is planning to assassinate him. President Bush denies the claim. To ease tensions, Bush invited him to go hunting with Dick Cheney.
  
  
• John Mark Karr is in a California courtroom facing child porn charges. If convicted he could face several years in prison. If acquitted he plans to run for Congressman Mark Foley’s vacated seat.
  
  
• The European Commission approved a new anti-smoking pill. They concluded that it’s a guaranteed way to quit smoking because it’s impossible to smoke a pill.
  
  
• Reports say that Britney Spears will rap on her new album. Her new rap name is Lil’ Dim.

Kent Calls for More Phone Booths

(Metropolis) Showing support for vanishing telephone booths, Metropolis resident Clark Kent is lobbying on behalf of Superman to give the Man of Steel a place to change his clothes. “Nobody calls from phone booths
anymore because they use cell phones. The phone companies are doing away with booths."

When asked why it has to be a phone booth for Superman, Kent became agitated. “Have you ever had to change clothes in a Wal-Mart bathroom? Last week Superman slipped on a dirty Wet Wipe left by some guy changing his kid’s diaper on that little table thingy. Superman tweaked his knee. That gave criminal mastermind Lex Luther just enough time to mass produce the new Paris Hilton CD.”

Kent said Superman no longer changes in his car. “He ripped his cape on the park brake and had to take the subway. Unfortunately it kept him from getting to Tom Cruise before Braniac did. You’ve seen in the news what happened to Tom’s personality because of that.”

“My friend Jimmy told me that Superman should change in the back seat next time, but come on. He’s Superman. He’s too big to change in a Ford Focus anyway.”

His girlfriend suggested another route, encouraging Kent to make a proposition to the cell phone companies. “She said maybe Superman could get a free cell phone with unlimited minutes. In exchange he’d be the spokesman and everybody would call him the ‘Man of Cell.’ I said no way. This is an issue of principle and Superman is full of it. Principle I mean—he’s full of principle.”

Kent, a former freelance reporter, now travels the country encouraging Americans to give up their cell phones and step into a phone booth.

The “Cell Out for Superman” campaign is hitting a few snags. In Burlington, Colo., he arrived late to his scheduled appearance at the Nacho Hut. A small crowd waited nearly two hours before leaving for chess practice. Kent didn’t know what to do. “My car broke down on the Kansas City turnpike and I didn’t have a way to let anybody know.”

Despite the setbacks Kent believes his message is gaining traction. He often refers to “Phone Booth,” the Colin Farrell box office thriller released in 2002. “Sure, it scared people enough to never enter a phone
booth again, but at least it’s a start. We’re sitting here in the Nacho Hut talking about a phone booth instead of a cell phone. Right? The tide is turning. Cell phones are definately on their way out.”

Weekly Review 9/22/06

• A maker of customized caskets signed a licensing agreement with Major League Baseball, so fans can show team loyalty even after death. Currently, coffins for the Kansas City Royals are unavailable because of a large order by team members at the beginning of the season.
  
  
• The U.S. Census Bureau reports that next month the population in America will top 300 million. Naturally, they will each stand in front of me at Wal-Mart paying with pennies.
  
  
• Astronomers spotted a new ring around Saturn. They say it’s from hard water deposits.
  
  
• Trying to ease tensions for comments that offended Muslims, Pope Benedict invited officials from Muslim countries to meet next week. He’s serving spinach.
  
  
• Hezbollah’s leader called a rally to celebrate the “victory” over Israel. In a related story, the Washington Generals celebrated their victory over the Harlem Globetrotters.
  
  
• Agents in Louisiana found marijuana on Willie Nelson’s tour bus. The incident delayed his Bong Voyage Tour.
  
  
• A Polish woman faces up to three years in prison for growing marijuana to calm the nerves of her cow. Police grew suspicious after seeing the cow buy seventeen cases of Doritos...and board Willie Nelson's tour bus.

Weekly Review 9/15/06

• Male researchers released a study suggesting that men are more intellegent than woman. The scientists were unavailable for further comment because they were gathering their belongings off the front lawn.
  
  
• Archaeologists say that a stone block found in Mexico may bear the oldest writing in the New World. The inscription translates to, “Ted Kennedy for Senator!”
  
  
• President Bush called on Congress to give U.S. intelligence agencies the “tools needed” to interrogate suspected terrorists. Vice President Dick Cheney agreed, but said the only tools necessary for interrogations are a ball-peen hammer and a pair of pliers.
  
  
• In Vienna, a group trying to clear the streets of dog droppings is urging residents to record how many droppings they see within a five minute period and report the figure. Meanwhile, sales of Vienna Sausages plummeted.
  
  
• Astronomers say the largest planet ever found orbiting another star received a name. They call it Rosie O.
  
  
• In Green Bay, a pig withstood taser shots from police and eluded authorities for more than an hour after wandering onto a major highway. For Packer fans this is nothing new. They’re used to seeing a drive stop when people don’t catch the pigskin.

It's Cheesy

I saw a friend the other day and noticed he gained a lot of weight since we last met. Then I realized it’s more serious. He said his growing family outgrew their half-ton pickup!

In retrospect, I think it’s me with the food issues. It appears that at a deeper level my adult life is that of constant hunger.

In high school I was the cream of the crop. Then I was a flash in the pan. Regarding my lofty goals, a teacher told me the best way to eat an elephant is to take one bite at a time. I took the advice with a grain of salt. She didn’t know that sometimes I’m a ham. I can dish it out but I can’t take it. I bite off more than I can chew, especially when I bite the hand that feeds me. Then I upset the apple cart and turn beet-red from embarrassment.

After college I lost a great paying job. I went from feast to famine. The gravy train ended. I have no beef with them because it was my fault. I put all my eggs in one basket. It was a recipe for disaster. I was in the breadline because I had no dough. I waffled and fudged. I became a couch potato. I drank like a fish. I ate like a horse. Then, I got fed up. I was in a real pickle—until somebody saved my bacon. I started to see the glass as half full. I found a new job. It paid even more cabbage. I was pleased as punch, which made me cool as a cucumber.

It gets even better. I found a real dish. She’s the apple of my eye—the salt of the earth. We’re like two peas in a pod. Now we have a son—the fruit of my loins. Who says you can’t have your cake and eat it too?

In a nutshell, I’m always hungry. There’s no disputing this. The proof is in the pudding. And that drives me nuts.

Looking for Tom Osborne

Writing from Broken Bow, NE. I passed a sign on the way up that said "Bump 500 feet." The sign was accurate because that's about how far the car went after I hit the bump.

Anyway, a couple of projects are in the works. First, I've been asked to be a guest contributer on littlegreenball.com, a new creation of comedian Chris Quimby and cartoonist Josh Alves. As a guest I get to control the remote and won't have to do dishes. Chris and Josh are very talented guys with squeaky clean material.

I've also been writing for a cartoonist in Florida. I'll write more on that later. When we sell something. Like a cartoon.

Forgive Me for not Laughing This Morning

I would be remised if I didn’t acknowledge the innocent lives lost on this day 5 years ago. For those still grieving the loss and to those of you in New York my heart still aches.

I’ve always believed that America was able to stand up and get going again in part because of comics--professional or not. Laughter renews the human spirit. And without any spirit we might as well be dead.

Weekly Review 9/8/06

• Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld underwent surgery to repair a torn rotator cuff on his left shoulder. The tear is from an old athletic injury. Liberals say he threw too many curves.
  
  
• Fidel Castro boasts that he lost 41 pounds since he had surgery. The bulk of the weight disappeared when his brother Raul removed the pillow from Fidel’s face.
  
  
• A Georgia school district is piloting a system in which children pay for lunches by scanning their fingerprints. The children complain that the scanner isn’t big enough for their noses.
  
  
• A Japanese man was arrested at 2:00 a.m. for stealing a female mannequin from a display window. She was a one-night stand.
  
  
• Philadelphia police are hoping someone can identify a man accused of four separate flashing incidents. Currently, the details are minimal.
  
  
• Four prisoners in an El Salvador jail wrapped cell phones and accessories in plastic and inserted them deep into their rectums. Defense attorneys say it makes sense because that’s where their heads were anyway.
  
  
• The government is fining the American Red Cross $4.2 million for violating blood safety laws, stemming from recalls carried out between 2003 and 2005. Blood recalls? I thought it was a pain when they recalled my Ford Focus.
  
  

Cut and Run

People tell me that the bank holding my mortgage can take my house if I miss a few payments. "After all," they say, "technically you don't it. The bank owns it."

Because the bank owns the dwelling place for my family, I call the bank president every week to inform him that he needs to mow the lawn at our house. I mean his house. After all, technically I don’t own it. The bank owns it. Apparently he doesn’t get the messages I leave with his assistant. Or his wife and children. Because his Toro has yet to meet my bluegrass, I opted to send a letter to the owner of my home:

Dear Homeowner Owner,

We have been attempting to reach you for several weeks. This letter is official notification that the lawn where we live is getting extremely long and mowing on your part is past due.

This is not our first incident of concern with your institution. When our basement flooded you refused to pay for the damage. You didn’t even help clean up. When high winds uprooted a tree, you ignored our plight for a new tree house. Despite your lack of reparation, we stayed with your bank. However, our patience is wearing thin because you choose to ignore the length of the grass. We took steps to address the issue and received counsel from Floyd, owner and operator of Floyd’s Nursery and Cappuccino Hut. He is not somebody you want to anger. As a Certified Scott's Lawn representative, Floyd says that mulching is out of the question. You have to bag it.

As a result, you are hereby notified that you have one (1) week to contact a resident of this home to make mowing arrangements. Please leave a message if we don’t answer the phone. We might be in the yard searching for our son again. He vanished in the backyard earlier this month (he’s only fifty two inches tall) while looking for his whiffle ball. Only his innate survival skills and a pink lawn flamingo saved him from starvation.

We will work to maintain this relationship, but we expect you to meet us half way. Frankly, we are embarrassed for you that you own a lawn tall enough to attract cows from nearby pastures. It is our hope that as the technical homeowner you take a little more pride in its appearance so we can work together in the future—especially the last Saturday in September as it’s our turn to host the neighborhood barbeque.

Sincerely,

Doug Johnson


P.S. Please note a forthcoming letter regarding your automobile that I drive. It needs new tires.

Weekly Review 9/1/06

• In his Dallas debut Thursday, Terrell Owens received a standing ovation. It allowed fans to get a better angle when they threw beer cups at him.
  
  
• At his wedding reception, a Boston man got drunk, assaulted an officer and went to jail. Ironically, the groom now resides in a cell where he is the bride.
  
  
• The British Hedgehog Preservation Society persuaded McDonalds in London to change its McFlurry cup lid to one that won’t trap hedgehogs in discarded cups. The Society is now petitioning heartless pranksters who refer to the ice cream treat as a McFurry.
  
  
• Ernesto slipped into a tropical depression, prompting a 24-hour suicide watch.

In the News 8/30/06

• Paris Hilton reportedly paid $195,000 to ride Richard Branson’s soon-to-be-built space shuttle, the Virgin Enterprise rocket. Hilton later requested a refund after discovering Branson’s Virgin Enterprise rocket isn’t what she thought.
  
  
• While taking a driving lesson from his owner, a dog in China crashed when he steered into an oncoming vehicle. The dog claims his owner confused him when she told him to use his rear wipers.
  
  
• Apple Computers is recalling nearly 2 million laptop batteries because they overheat. Nobody recalled this many overheated laptops since Wilt Chamberlain wrote his autobiography.

I've Got the Runs

I love to run. Recently I ran a 5K (yah, all at once!). I ran my second best personal time. Unfortunately, the twelve-year old in front of me ran better. I know exactly how he did it. He cheated. He wore those short shorts from the seventies. I wore cargo shorts. Because his shorts have no pockets, he has no place to carry his cell phone or money for a Big Gulp. Of course, being twelve also means that transporting car keys is not a problem for this guy. My office keys alone cost me the race with little Peter Brady.

The race got interesting in the last few hundred yards. I ran strong, within 4 steps of him. I could hear him breathing. I edged closer, closer, closer! And then my phone rang. I answered before it went to voicemail.

All who witnessed this event know that if he wears shorts with pockets it's a different race. Then it's even. He hears the jingling of Big Gulp change and the ringing phone and the shouts of "Run Forrest, Run!" But he won't play fair. So next year, it's on. I'll stoop to his level and line up with some of those "running" shorts. And a belt for my cell phone pouch.

** On a bright note, I did finish ahead of the runner from Kenya. Man, was she ticked--almost fell out of her wheelchair. But we made friends before her granddaughter took her back to the nursing home.

Weekly Review 8/25/06

• Scientists suggest that pollution is causing the genitals of artic polar bears to shrink. However, a Congressional investigation reveals that the shrinkage is from the bears’ extensive use of steroids.
  
  
• An Arkansas woman unknowingly ran over her drunken husband as he slept in the driveway. Paramedics say he was smashed.
  
  
• Britney Spears upset Jessica Simpson because she refused to let Simpson kiss her pregnant tummy at the Teen Choice Awards. As a consolation Kevin Federline said Simpson could kiss his belly.
  
  
• Because of a change in terminology, astronomers say they now recognize only 8 planets in the solar system after they struck Pluto from the list. Fortunately, Uranus will not be struck. (nor will our juvenile jokes about our favorite planet)
  
  
• Washington University reports that Cardinals slugger Albert Pujols passed a series of physical reaction tests with the same results as tests taken by Babe Ruth. In a related study, Barry Bonds had the same test results as Seabiscuit.
  
  
• The owner of a Bombay, India, restaurant named after Adolf Hitler agreed to change the name after meeting with members of the Jewish community. It's now called Gibson's Grill.
  

In the News 8/22/06

• A 24-year-old Georgia college student allegedly hit two customers with her car in a McDonald’s parking lot after arguing with them earlier. Apparently she wanted the McRib.
  
  
• Paris Hilton tells Blender Magazine that she cries every time she hears her album. For once I know what it’s like to be a hotel heiress.
  
  
• Starstyle.com auctioned Hilton's bed recently. At last check the highest bidder was the Center for Disease Control.
  
  
• A California woman is suing J.C. Penney Co., saying she suffered cuts on her head and a cracked tooth after being clubbed by a legless mannequin. She was really up in arms.

Book Him

John Mark Karr says he killed JonBenet Ramsey. I believe him. Police refer to him by all three names. Before now his name was John Karr. Now he's a three-namer. It’s how police let these disturbed people know they’re in it deep. It’s reminiscent of all childhoods—including bad guys. “Lee Harvey Oswald you get away from the window right now!...And stop shooting at the ice cream truck!”

Using the trifecta is a must for famous killers. Mark David Chapman, Lee Harvey Oswald, Orenthal James Simpson, and John Wayne Gacey were two-namers until they broke the law. Now the law is coming after Mr. Karr, waving a death certificate with ample white space. Case closed.

UPATE: Every possible news outlet provided around the clock coverage about this guy. Saddam's trial started late because he refused to leave his cell until Nancy Grace was over. I've changed my mind; Karr didn't commit this crime. JonBenet would have beat him into a soft, mushy pulp.

Weekly Review 8/16/06

• Paris Hilton announced she’s celibate. No word on what she’s doing tomorrow.
  
  
  
• “T-Rac,” the raccoon-like mascot of the Tennessee Titans, hit Saints quarterback Adrian McPherson with a golf-cart as he walked onto the field for the second half Saturday night, knocking him out of the game because of bruises. Specifically, a bruised ego.
  
  
  
• A Massachusetts man is recovering after a domestic dispute with his wife, during which she stabbed him in the penis. According to police reports the man ran away empty handed.
  
  
  
• A Phoenix, Ariz., woman is in trouble after cameras caught her speeding 70 different times in her Honda Civic. Police are stunned that a Civic could go that fast.
  
  
  
• Zookeepers in the Netherlands plan to hook up orangutans over the Internet as a dating service to discover which apes are compatible. Critics fear the apes will pretend to be 14-year old boys.
  
  
  
• Thieves in Germany stole thousands of dollars from a man by throwing feces at him and then pick-pocketing the victim while they pretended to help clean up the mess. Police suspect two monkeys that met through an online dating service.

Old What's His Name

There’s a guy I know who calls me Greg. That’s okay, except my name is Doug. After the third time he called me the wrong name I realized it was too late to correct him. That was two years ago.

I don’t want to embarrass him. I’ve tried to help him learn. I used my name in a sentence, “This is the hottest day of the year or my name isn’t ‘Doug’”. He said, “Oh, I agree, Greg”. I’ve had somebody call me from a distance. They yelled, “Hey Doug! Come here!” As I left this guy said, “See ya, Greg.”

It looks like it’s a cross I must bear with others who go through life being known as someone else. One day when future generations study great Americans living under assumed names they’ll see Mark Twain, Dear Abby, Superman, the Philly Fanatic, and Greg.

What's That Noise?

Monday a tornado hit the south edge of town. It’s amazing the interest people have in these things. Tornado sirens are adult magnets. The Weather Service says to take shelter when the sirens sound. Instead, it seems to be the signal for everybody to come out of their homes and gaze skyward. I’m appalled at the disregard my neighbors showed for the sirens as we watched the tornado from my driveway. They simply ignored the warning.

For future twisters maybe the City should play something that repels people, forcing them to go indoors. Like Gilbert Gottfried. Whenever we hear repeated shrieks of “AFLAC!” we know it’s basement time.

A look at the biggest event in our town since Dwight Yoakam's bus parked at Wal-Mart in '92.

This Child Will be Called...Hoover

Now that people in our circle (Hey, we have a circle!) know we’re having a baby, we’re once again getting advice. My wife’s 84-year old grandma said that her doctor recommended vacuuming as good exercise when you’re pregnant. Granted, it was 1952. But vacuuming? That’s funny. Apparently people didn’t know how to walk for exercise back then.

I never knew this doctor but based on his labor-intense exercise recommendation to Grandma, these are probably some of his other suggestions for expectant mothers: cooking three meals per day, mowing the yard, repaving the driveway.

I wonder if it works the other way. Could a woman defend a dirty carpet by saying, “Honey, I would vacuum but I can’t because I’m not pregnant.”

Weekly Review 7/28/06

• While in the Wal-Mart garden department, a Florida man reached into a bush and was bitten by a snake. Democrats have been warning for years that you’ll get bit if you mess with a Bush.
  
  
  
• British newspapers report that, while on her Confessions world tour, Madonna demands a new toilet seat in every venue she plays. Her people even have to inspect the seat before it’s installed. Conservatives argue that too many people have already inspected Madonna’s seat.
  
  
  
• In New York, a town councilwoman is continuing her campaign even after someone put a horse head in her swimming pool. Early election poles show that she could win by a nose.
  
  
  
• A Scotland Yard detective, telling police he was working undercover to video al-Qaeda suspects, was arrested for allegedly filming up women’s skirts with a hidden camera. If that’s where Bin Laden is, Clinton would have picked him up in about 10 minutes.
  
  
  
• Maryland police charged three 17-year old students for possession of marijuana gumballs. The students claimed they were chewing Orbit™.

Out of This World

We had our first sonogram today. Apparently I’m the father of a 4 inch, 3 ounce alien. It’s odd because I don’t remember my wife making any trips to Roswell within the last fourteen weeks. But there’s our little E.T. on the monitor with a gigantic head and oval eyes. We have a lot to get done around the mother ship, putting the sleeping cocoon together and painting the nursery chamber.

I should get busy, because in less than 7 months I’ll hold our newborn for the first time and whisper a soft “Nanu, Nanu.”

Weekly Review 7/22/06

• A 22-year old man filed a lawsuit against his former high school yearbook. Tyler Bennett says he has suffered psychological harm from the yearbook photo that shows his genitals as he’s gliding through the air shooting a basketball. Apparently he had great hang time.
  
  
  
• In Greencastle, Ind., investigators are searching for the people responsible for stealing dozens of Rs from signs at gas stations, restaurants, repair shops and medical offices. Police do have a suspect.
  
  
  
• A Madison, WI, man was sentenced to four months for keeping his dead mother in a freezer so he could keep collecting her Social Security checks. The man says he just wanted some cold, hard cash.
  
  
  
• A cat in Great Britain is getting publicity because it was born with one mouth and two faces. Veterinarians say it has a bright future in politics.
  
  
  
• A University of Central Florida student is accused of setting his dorm couch on fire as a way to meet women as they evacuated the building. The man claims he was looking for an old flame.
  

Weekly Review 7/15/06

• At the funeral of Ken Lay, the Reverend Dr. Bill Lawson compared Lay with Jesus Christ. I suppose he's right because they were both dealing with false prophets (profits).
  
  
• In Singapore, a skeleton was found slumped over a toilet in an abandoned house. Apparently the person was waiting for the plumber.
  
  
• Astronauts at the International Space Station received an oxygen reserve with the installation of a new device from NASA that can turn astronaut pee into oxygen. Meanwhile, nationwide enrollments for CPR classes are down.
  
  
• At a Dallas hospital, a patient in who was wearing an oxygen mask tried to light a cigarette in his room, sparking a fire that forced the evacuation of more than 100 patients, destroyed the room and melted medical equipment. Fire officials say he’s the toast of the town.
  
  
• 83-year-old Jim Eriotes became the oldest man to play professional baseball when he batted for the Sioux Falls Canaries on Thursday. He took four swings—fouling off one pitch—before striking out. Upon learning of the foul ball, the Royals signed him to a multi-year contract.

Some Jokes Write Themselves

I went to an upholstery shop yesterday to have the console lid in my Explorer recovered. I took the lid in the shop and asked the guy if he could do the job. He told me he could, and that I’m lucky I came in because he’s going out of business soon. Then he picked up the lid, looked at closely, and asked, “What color is this? I’m color blind.”

Weekly Review 7/8/06

• The Yankees lost to the Indians, 19-1, on George Steinbrenner’s birthday. Apparently there was some confusion when he told his team to celebrate and get bombed.
  
  
• In Britain, a new contraceptive is being developed to control the grey squirrel population. Once the product is on the market, the squirrels will use it to educate Brittany Spears.
  
  
• Enron founder Kenneth Lay, convicted in May of defrauding investors, died Wednesday of a heart attack. Prosecutors are stunned that Lay had a heart.
  
  
• A security guard at the Three Mile Island nuclear power plant was so absorbed in playing a hand-held video game that he failed to see an inspector approach during a surprise inspection. The inspector was reassured after learning the guard has worked there 27 years and literally has grown eyes in the back of his head.
  
  
• At a Sydney, Australia, jail five inmates rushed a guard and ran for freedom when she opened the cell door to give them some toilet paper. After being captured the inmates claim they weren’t escaping, but just had the runs.
  
  
• I hooked up the voice activated TV remote I got for Father’s Day. If I snore it changes the channel to Lifetime.

Alarming

I recently bought a false alarm clock. It’s guaranteed to go off intermittently within 6 hours of when I actually need to get up. It’s two-faced. It sends up a red flag, fires a warning shot and blows hot air. It puts on a good front, pulls tricks out of a hat, and plays a shell game. Then it cries wolf.

If I’m not ready to get up I can push the panic button.

Weekly Review 6/30/06

• Researchers in Indonesia have discovered a snake that can change colors. They say it has a promising future in politics.
  
  
• A woman in Corpus Christi says her ex-boyfriend mailed her a severed human finger.The man was charged with impersonating a shop teacher.
  
  
• Thursday a retired judge in Oklahoma was convicted for using a penis pump on himself in the courtroom while hearing cases in 2002 and 2003. He was hoping for a hung jury.
  
  
• A prison inmate in Pakistan recently had a lightbulb removed from his anus. The prisoner claims he doesn’t know how it got there, so it’s safe to say he’s not the brightest light in the house.
  
  
• A University of Utah study says that drivers who talk on cell phones may be as dangerous as those who drive drunk. Either way, roaming costs an arm and a leg.

Weekly Review 6/24/06

• After missing one meal, Saddam Hussein has ended his hunger strike. This morning the Kansas City Royals offered him a contract after Googling his name and seeing the words fast, strike, and screwball.
  
  
• A truck driver was treated for minor injuries after his semi tipped over and spilled several toilet seats on Interstate 43 in Wisconsin. It’s the first crappy drive residents have seen since the Packers ended their season.
  
  
• China announced plans to have a man on the moon by 2024. They say it could happen earlier if Walmart opens a lunar store.
  
  
• July 7th kicks off the sixth annual Cher Convention in Woodland Hills, CA. The big event features a silent auction, dinner, and museum of Cher noses.
  
  
• In Ontario, thieves stole a semi and replaced the truck’s $17,000 worth of dish soap with 1,400 boxes of bleach. The case is being investigated by a special cleansing agent.

If You Can't Stand the Heat...

Could the NBA Finals have been more bizarre? The Dallas Mavericks snatched defeat from the jaws of victory. In doing so they lost any dignity they had.

Dallas led the series over Miami 2-0 and had a 13 point lead with six minutes left in game three. But that lead disappeared faster than a cat in a Chinese restaurant. They showed the heart of a kitten in game four when they were smoked by 24 points. The Miami fans chanted “Da-vid Hasel-hoff” whenever Dirk Nowitski shot free throws. That’s funny. Come on Dirk, you brought that on yourself.

The entire Maverick franchise had a meltdown in the fifth game. At least Dirk made a few shots down the stretch. He also showed that he could solve the Cowboys kicking woes when he punted the ball into the stands en route to his post-game tantrum.

Arguably, the refs did miss a backcourt call on Dwayne Wade. But few refer to Josh Howard missing two free throws that likely would have sealed the game. Even with Terrell Owens playing for the Cowboys now, Josh is the new “T.O.” in town. Seems he called a timeout at the wrong time. The always classy Avery Johnson even blamed the refs for acknowledging the timeout and not babysitting Howard.

But I think the reader of this blog will agree that the tone for all of this was set by owner Mark Cuban. He entered game five wearing a jersey in support of the suspended Jerry Stackhouse and was verbally engaged with fans and referees throughout. Afterwards, while Dirk was teaching us how to beat up an exercise bike, Cuban was busy dropping f-bombs and screaming at the league commissioner that the game is rigged.

Maybe he’s right. And David Hasselhoff thanks the NBA for resurrecting his career.

I'll Get That For You

There’s a new item on the market called the Cell Phone Garter. It’s apparently for a woman with no pockets. Or, I suppose a man but that’s a topic for Maury to tackle. Because I’m a thinker, I’m wondering what ring tones will be used for a cell phone stored on a woman’s thigh. A small list…
Boderline (Madonna)
Legs (ZZ Top)
Walk Like an Egyptian (Bangles)
You Had Me From Hello (Kenny Chesney)
Roam (The B52s)
I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing (Aerosmith)
You Make Me Feel Like Dancing (Leo Sayer)
Down Under (Men at Work)
Sign O’ the Times (Prince)
New Sensation (INXS)
Friends in Low Places (Garth Brooks)
Slow Hand (Pointer Sisters)
I Wish the Phone Would Ring (Expose)

Weekly Review 6/17/06

• Indeed, the World Cup:
  
  
• In an effort to convince his girlfriend to marry him, a Michigan man ran naked down the street and was shot at by a pedestrian posing as a drill sergeant. Police may decide to just turn the other cheek.
  
  
• A Texas motorist was arrested after he stashed two rocks of crack cocaine on his banana split. Officers said the treat was made with Ben & Jerry’s Half Baked ice cream.
  
  
• In Las Vegas, Joey Chestnut set a world record by downing 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes. Now he’s expected to set the record for time between bowel movements, currently held by Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban.
  
  
• A Massachusetts plumber who bought a bathroom vanity from Home Depot found a stash of cocaine, or as they call it on the street, Plumbers Crack.
  

News for 6/14/06

• A new ringtone is on the market claiming that the pitch is so high that adults, who gradually lose the ability to hear high-pitched sounds, cannot hear it. Adults are countering with a James Earl Jones ringtone that says, “you’re grounded.”
  
  
• In a Dateline interview to be aired on Thursday, Britney Spears says her marriage to Kevin Federline is “awesome” and denies rumors that he is living in the basement. That’s because he’s in the doghouse.
  
  
• Mel Gibson, who happens to live next door to Britney, is reportedly moving his family out of the neighborhood. His fans are stunned that he has made so much money and still lives in a trailer park.
  
  
• Oregon State University researchers say a key ingredient in beer may help prevent prostate cancer, but for a person to benefit he would have to drink more than 17 beers. The researchers were unavailable for further comment because halftime was over.

Weekly Review 6/9/06

• The newest sponsor for NASCAR is the Church of Scientology. Tom Cruise is forbidding the car from making any noise.
  
  
• A Washington high school is undergoing scrutiny because it allows students to accumulate unused restroom passes for extra credit. Summer school students say this is why valedictorians are so full of crap.
  
  
• A Minnesota man suffered second degree burns from an explosion after he put gasoline in his washing machine to clean grease from his clothing. Glenn Johnson says a ball of fire shot from the sink and blew him out of the laundry room. Fire officials say Johnson had a full load.
  
  
• When learning how much he had to pay to reclaim his car after it was towed, a Serbian man set his car on fire. The man later said he was just trying to wash grease stains from his clothing.

Tis' the Season

With warm weather we welcome the snake season. Perhaps “welcome” isn’t the right word. In fact, my wife hates snakes. I didn’t know this little bit of information until two years into our marriage.

After she saw the first visitor to our new home she screamed, disappeared into the garage, and came out wielding a hoe in a manner that would make Freddy Krueger proud. She began swinging it towards the snake, chopping him in little pieces while screaming “Die you stupid thing!” She reminded me of a bad golfer with the yelling and grass flying everywhere. The only difference is that you don’t find many snakeheads flying across the fairway.

I’m not sure why she dislikes snakes. Maybe it’s because her dad has already killed two rattlesnakes on the farm this spring. But these are just little garter snakes. Maybe it goes back to the first snake that tricked Eve into eating that apple. God said snakes would have to slither on their bellies and that woman would scream when they saw them (so to speak).

Personally, I don’t mind snakes. They keep the mice away. And mice are really icky.

Weekly Review for 6/2/06

• More than 1,700 Britons left a cruise ship early after many passengers were stuck in their cabin with a stomach virus. A lot of people can relate to that. Anybody that saw Mission Impossible III knows how a cruise can make you vomit.
  
  
• In Denton County, Texas, a construction worker was injured when the portable toilet he occupied was struck by a tractor trailer with a wide, um, load. If the man decides to press charges it will be convenient since the mishap occurred in the County Seat.
  
  
• A woman in India recently married a king cobra snake. The bride works from the home, and the groom is a congressman.
  
  
• A Las Cruces radio station is playing an all Barry Manilow format. All Barry—all day, all night. The station general manager, Phil Kinzer, describes himself as a “fanalow.” It could be worse. At least he’s not an emin-enema.
  
  
• Senior citizens in Prosser, Washington, are being overwhelmed in their condo village by marmots, a close relative of the ground squirrel. It’s believed the rodents migrated from Las Cruces.

Holy PC!

DC Comics is resurrecting the comic character of Batwoman, only this time she’s a lesbian. Okay, I agree that Batman needs a more masculine partner than Robin, but why do we have to be politically correct with superheroes?

I have a feeling it will only get worse. Soon, Spiderman will be put on the endangered species list—after all, there is only one like him.

We’ll see new superheroes like Envirowoman, able to leap tall smokestacks in a single bound.

And you can rest easy because no matter how angry people are, Transgendered will be on the scene to resolve all conflict. It’s half man/half woman and understands the sensitivity of both genders.

Whenever your feelings get hurt, whenever you must be responsible, somebody will be there to defend you—Captain PoliCore! Oh, Jesse Jackson already has that role.

I beg you (because most people forget); please remember the middle class superhero who drives a KIA and alerts citizens to the high pensions of corporate CEOs, The 16 Dollar Man.

News for 5/31/06

• New research shows that people dealing with chronic pain may get some relief by listening to any kind of music for an hour a day. As a result, teenage pains in the butt made Hips Don’t Lie the most common Mother’s Day gift.
  
  
• A Kentucky man got a surprise when he found a two-foot long python in his rental car. It’s the first rental car appearance by a snake since O.J. Simpson did the Hertz commercials.
  
  
• In Wheaton, Ill., Gary Karafiat recently had his wallet returned after he lost it at a basketball game. It fell under the bleachers 35 years ago—when Ben Wallace’s afro was a baby follicle.
  
  
• The City of Chicago has put out a bid request to build a city-wide wireless Internet system. This is good news for Cub hitters because lately they’ve had a problem connecting with anything.
  
  
• Services were held recently for the former college student known as the “Naked Guy,” who gained notoriety in the early 1990s for attending his classes in the buff. It was a small funeral; apparently he didn’t have much support.

Weekly Review for 5/26/06

• Martha Stewart is going to start an online social network similar to MySpace.com. It will be cleaned and sanitized daily to keep those pesky, hard to reach areas clear of viruses.
  
  
• Nike is teaming with Apple to create a mini iPod for running shoes. The shoes retail for about $100 and is being called a "smart shoe." They're so smart it can con a person out of $100.
  
  
• In Washington, scientists are pursuing the creation of a Harry Potter-like “invisibility cloak.” They’ve been consulting with John Kerry to see how his works.
  
  
• The White House says a bill that would grant legal status to illegal immigrants is analogous to a traffic law that allows a speeder to pay a fine and continue driving. Americans agree because both Illegal immigrants and traffic tickets make us scream and take money from our pocket.
  
  
• A Minnesota man was arrested for intent to sell marijuana after his 6-year-old son and his friends discovered the 35 grams in the boy's Scooby Doo backpack. The man said he would have got away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.

In Her Defense

Pay attention, this is the only time I’ll ever defend Britney Spears. Ah-hem. Last week she almost dropped her kid while walking on the sidewalk. This coming a few weeks after she straps the child in the carseat the wrong way…a few days after she was seen driving with him on her lap…a few days after Junior falls from the highchair. Sounds like a normal first-time parent to me. It would be fun to turn the camera on these parent police.

But if what she has done is so bad, why aren’t all of the expert parent/poperatzi/news achors knocking on my door? In the early days of my son’s life they would have seen his father almost stab him with a steak knife, bounce him off the bed, and nearly use Icy-Hot as a replacement for Vaseline. Oh, I also locked him in the master bedroom; actually, he locked me out but my wife says I still have to take responsibility for that one. And that was just his first week home…

So I guess it’s safe to assume that all of those appalled at Britney’s mistakes have done a masterful parenting job themselves. Now I have to go because Caller ID shows that somebody named “Social Services” is calling.

Weekly Review for 5/19/06

• A campground in Utah is closed because of bubonic plague detected among field mice and chipmunks. It’s believed the rodents contracted the disease after playing with some filthy children.
  
  
• To make sure her wishes are clear, an 80-year-old Iowa woman had the words "DO NOT RESUSCITATE" tattooed on her chest. Attorneys suggest that the woman put her wishes on paper because a judge would say the current document is a bust.
  
  
• A California home is on the market for $75 million. That's not bad considering it’s a double-wide.
  
  
• At the Gerber Foods factory in England, gallons of Sunny D concentrate leaked into a nearby river and killed dozens of fish. Because the spill was an environmental hazard, Al Gore is making a movie based on the events. It’s called “An Inconvenient Juice.”
  
  
• Northwest Airlines is negotiating with its ground crew in an attempt to avoid a strike. Talks intensified when baggage handlers threatened to find everybody’s luggage if their demands were not met.
  
  
• Sunday, a Florida woman was shot through the windshield of the car she was riding in. Miraculously, she was protected by her seatbelt and a thick bra strap. But advocates for abstinence say it’s no miracle, as those two items have been protecting women for years.

I Hate to Bring it Up But...

There are some unwritten child laws that require discussion. Kids won’t talk about them but I discovered these two laws on my own:

1. The only permissible time for children to vomit is between 1 and 4 in the morning. There is something about a parent’s slumber that makes a child nauseous.
2. If rule number one cannot be followed, they must hurl in public places.
   

The first rule is one of those things that people forget to mention when encouraging you to have children. During marriage preparation this insight should be standard instruction for the pastor or priest. “And tell me, how do you react to waking from a deep slumber to the sound of a goat being tortured and discovering last night’s ravioli plastered to the bathroom door…and wall…and carpet leading from the bedroom?”

Rule number two has more flexibility because a kid can find large groups of people anywhere. Weddings, graduations, and classrooms are common settings. Then there is the grocery store. Since becoming a parent I really know what’s going on when I hear a voice echo, “Ted, cleanup on aisle four.”

Ay Carumba!

• Anybody notice how ironic it is that the fastest growing U.S. cable channel is the (Mexican President Vicente) Fox News Channel?
  
  
• President Bush will address the nation tonight about immigration. His speech can be viewed on the major U.S. networks, Telemundo and Univision.
  
  
• The National Guard troops deployed to the border will not carry out law enforcement, but instead will lend support to the border patrol. That support comes in helping border patrol agents hold a large red banner and yelling “Ole!”
  
  
• Critics suggest that Guard members will be bored and have to play games to pass the time: “Red Rover, Red Rover, send Paco right over!”
  
  
• The last major domestic task for Guard members was assisting in the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. So what’s the difference between a hurricane and the wave of aliens entering the U.S? One floods the streets and leaves many without jobs and schools. The other is a hurricane.

Weekly Review for 5/14/06

• The Internet Corporation for Assigned Names and Numbers rejected a proposal to create a “.xxx” domain for porn sites. They did, however, agree to the “.$$$” domain.
  
  
• A new Harris poll indicates that President Bush’s approval rating has dropped to 29 percent. Liberals are excited at the news because it greatly reduces his odds of being reelected.
  
  
• President Bush will address the nation on immigration Monday night. That is, if the White House can find a translator.
  
  
• Paris Hilton released a new video game that can be played on cell phones. Critics complain that the game only works when a phone is set to vibrate.
  
  
• Thursday the F.D.A. approved a new anti-smoking pill. After you lose the urge to smoke you take the anti-smoldering pill.

A Different Animal

I come from a family that has hunting in its DNA. But I don’t like to hunt. Fortunately, my dad and brothers don’t hunt black sheep. Don’t get me wrong, I enjoy taking a life as much as the next guy. And I hunted while growing up. I love the outdoors and I support the Second Ammendment.

But it’s no accident I was born during the evolution of the microwave. I think God put me on earth at this time for a reason. He knew I would starve if I had to kill my own food. I would have been a lousy caveman because I’m not good with clubs. Well, not counting the time I conquered a beastly sparrow on the 13th hole. Sheldon Brock can talk on the subject of my spear throwing ability. The scar on his shoulder shows how bad I missed the target with a lawn dart in the third grade.

But I’ll hunt again because my son loves it. I just have to master the craft of bringing down a bull elk with stinging sarcasm.

Strange News Day

• Iran announced it will ban athletes with an effeminate look. Much like the WNBA.
  
  
• Kara Monaco, a former Disney dancer who portrayed Cinderella, is the new Playboy Playmate of the Year. I guess Hugh Hefner can now be called Pimp Charming.
  
  
• A woman from Maine is accused of helping her daughter bake cookies laced with Ex-Lax for her teacher at school. Although the woman pleaded not guilty, authorities say the evidence is piled high.
  
  
• ...and David Blaine will attempt to eat those cookies.

A Preposition You Can't Refuse

I love capitalism. Driving down the street in the last week I’ve seen signs advertising a Jewelry Sale, a Carpet Sale, and a Clearance Sale. My neighbor just threw his hat in the ring. He’s having a For Sale. Even put a sign in his front yard.

I’m not sure why people want to sell their fors. It’s an important preposition; for better or for worse; for richer or for poorer. And why is for the only preposition people don’t want? You never hear anybody disussing the Over Sale or the But Sale. People try to peddle fors from their cars or boats or motorcycles. Some try to negotiate: "For Sale: Make Offer". I avoid these sales. After all, what can you offer for a for? One student on our campus created a flyer telling me where I could preview his offer: “For Sale By Owner.” I looked all around him and didn’t see his for.

It seems everybody having a home-based For Sale eventually moves. They must be a bear to load on the U-Haul. I’ll have to ask my neighbor before the weekend. Saturday he'll be busy with a Garage Sale.

Week In Review

• British scientists report that roasted vegetables are actually as acidic as fizzy drinks. What’s worse, they’re more painful when you burp them through your nose.
  
  
• Also in Britain, a woman is pregnant at the age of 63. After the baby is born she can be a stay at nursing home mom.
  
  
• CBS launched a web site that offers some of its existing TV shows. For protection, my anti-virus software won’t let me watch the Young and the Restless.
  
  
• Despite the controversy surrounding the porous Mexican border, Americans are grateful for Cinco de Mayo. The Mexican food is providing the cheapest gas they’ve found in months.
  
  
• Korean scientists have developed a female android. They named it eveR-1, and it’s just the third human-like android in the world. The robots preceding eveR-1 were Japan’s ACTROID, and the United States’ ALGORE.

News Today

• Scientists at Cornell University report that honeybees are better at decision-making than humans. The study took ten years, thus confirming their research.
  
  
• A new survey indicates that many young Americans can’t find Louisiana on a map. They shouldn’t feel bad. Neither can FEMA.
  
  
• Today The Minuteman Project civilian border patrol group kicked off a 12-city tour. Ironically, the tour T-shirts are made in Mexico.

Gangsta Trash

I got reprimanded by the Sanitation Department. I put a piece of wood out with the trash and they made an example of me. They hung a florescent pink tag on my front door with a blistering note. They put a check mark in the little box that said my wood was construction material and I have to dispose of it myself. I thought I did. I took it down the driveway and set it on the curb.

They took tree branches a couple of weeks ago. I think those are made of wood. But now it’s like they’re some kind of sanitation mafia, bullying us simple people who just want to discard our wood. They ride around on their big trucks, hanging on with one hand. Everybody knows it’s illegal to ride in the back of a truck but the cops won’t touch them.

When these thugs are ready to make a pickup—or “hit” as I bet they call it—they just stop in the middle of the street (yet another violation a regular citizen would be cited for). Cars behind them have to go around or come to a stop. And the drivers never honk or yell at the mafia. They wait. They wait because nobody wants to become Hester Prynne, bearing the humility of that pink sanitation scarlett letter. But as much as we try to avoid another driveby we know it’s inevitable. These guys are untouchable.

The Sleeping Giant

I agree with the late Mitch Hedburg: I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.

Anti-war people protested over the weekend. Pro-illegal immigrant people are protesting today. I’m tired of protests. I guess you could say I’m pro-anti-protest. Or I'm anti-pro-protest. Nonetheless, I’m organizing a protest against the protests. That’s right, a Protest protest.

But you have to watch closely. We won’t carry signs. We won’t leave the house. In fact, we won’t go anywhere. The rally cries of those angry people on TV will be drowned by our silence. Oh sure, those other protests have thousands in the streets. But our Protest protest already has millions nationwide. They choose not to engage, and by default that means they’re a part of the Protest protest. But that’s the American way. Sometimes a guy has to take a stand…and then sit down.

Not On the Front Page

• Australian researchers report that radiation from cell phones affects the way the brain works. Apparently the radiation makes people drive their cars and yell in public places.
  
  
• A new trashy video game is set to launch this summer in which cartoon people meet, flirt and have sex with other player characters. Fortunately, the game isn’t called Donkey Kong.
  
  
• A Cornell University horticulturist suggests that you can stunt the growth of fast growing house plants by giving them hard liquor. His research was made public by his children, Fern, Ivy, and Stump.

Do They Really Want That?

I’m conservative, but I’m not a Bush Drone (sounds like a good name for a sleeping pill—but it only works if you sleep on your right side). With Neil Young’s new song Let’s Impeach the President gaining attention, the anti-Bush people are speaking up again.

I wonder if they’ve thought this through. If Dub is impeached, Dick Cheney becomes the Head Fred. Many say Dick is the brains behind the duo to begin with. If they’re unhappy with the advice he’s given Bush to this point, a Cheney presidency would put them over the edge faster than you can say Harry Whittington.

Water Cooler News

• Scientists have discovered a mutant gene that triggers the body to form a second skeleton. Many Americans are excited because some politicians will have the chance to grow a spine.
  
  
• Former Enron Chairman and Chief Executive Kenneth Lay testified at his criminal trial on Tuesday saying that his corporation was the victim of a “witch hunt.” Prosecutors agreed, saying, “He’s right. We were hunting to find which set of books was authentic.”
  
  
• Childbirth training for medical students is being enhanced by life-sized computer controlled mannequins. The pregnant robots can be programmed to simulate various delivery scenarios from severe complications to quick, relatively easy births. Researchers have named the robot Katie Holmes.

I'm Not Jealous

My son just turned seven. He’s a good kid. But I do have a complaint. His hair. And I’m not saying that because my hairline looks like the letter “M” (high on the sides, low in the valley). His hair defies anything that could keep it in place. Gel, hairspray, JB Weld—none of it works. There is some kind of magnetic force in his hair that makes it point due north. It comes in handy when we’re camping but makes it miserable when he’s around his grandfather’s pacemaker. That’s really why we think our sons are little Einsteins. They have the hair.

Tom?

What has happened to Tom Cruise? First he spouts off about how his wife must remain silent during delivery, then claims he’ll eat the placenta. It's a safe bet he won’t be asked to deliver the keynote at the upcoming N.O.W. banquet. Even Michael Jackson is saying, “Wow. That’s one odd duck.”

By the way, now that baby Suri has landed on planet earth, Tom reportedly will be feeding her a special mix of Scientology-approved baby formula. It's a mixture of barley water, milk and corn syrup. Kind of like a beer milkshake. I’m guessing Kate gets to change the diapers.

Under the Radar

• In Japan, a telecommunications company is synchronizing seven different smells to parts of the new Colin Farrell movie, “The New World.” A floral scent accompanies a love scene, while a mix of peppermint and rosemary is emitted during a tear-jerking scene. Critics say the new technology isn’t necessary because most movies coming out of Hollywood already stink.
  

• A new class of devices aims to convert mechanical energy created from body movement into electrical energy. One inventor said, “You could envision having these devices in your shoes to produce electricity as you walk.” So any batter facing the Royals could provide enough energy to light Kaufmann Stadium.
  

• Fossils discovered in Utah are from a new birdlike species resembling a turkey. Geologists reached this conclusion when they also found fossils of cavemen asleep in Lazy-Boys near a TV.
  

• Pop star George Michael hit three cars while trying to park his SUV in London early Sunday. It’s Michael’s first multi-hit record in a decade.
  

I Choose Not to Choose

I’m searching for a new razor. The type of razor I’ve used for years was discontinued. A guy has a few choices when looking at these things. After spending three hours perusing an entire isle in the store I began to think. Back in the day you chose from a single blade or a double blade. Now there are triple and quadruple blade razors. There are vibrating razors. A vibrating razor? That’s funny.

But apparently it doesn’t matter which razor I go with. Depending on the TV commercial I watch, my razor will give me a tan, give me a herculean body, and force my wife to rub my face while she gives me the look. My career will advance, my bank account will grow, and my kids will respect me. Therefore, I’m using every kind of blade on the shelf. Except that vibrating one.

Update: I discovered another razor with five blades--called the Fusion. Appropriately named because this search for the perfect razor is melting my brain.

Business News

• The quarterly profits for Smuckers Company are up, but they warn that high energy costs could put them in a jam.
• Wendy’s profits are down. There could be several reasons why, but they can’t put a finger on it.
• Ford Motor Co. introduced a mini-fleet of gas-electric hybrid taxicabs to serve New York City. They're more fuel efficient and corner on the sidewalks better.
• Scientists in the Netherlands have developed a pair of eyeglasses with hearing aids embedded in the arms. So now you can see the person screaming at you.

In the News

• At Miami International Airport, radio communication between air traffic controllers and pilots was interrupted by a pirate hip hop radio station. The pilots enjoyed hearing the station in their headphones so much that now they demand air traffic controllers announce the arrival of flight crews by saying, “Here’s Bones, Thugs-N-Harmony.”
• Actress Susan Sarandon is set to portray anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan in an upcoming movie. Michael Moore will be the group of angry war protesters.
• A Florida State University professor suggests that perhaps Jesus didn’t really walk on water as described in the Bible. He says that a scientific explanation of the miracle could be that Jesus actually walked on a hard-to-see patch of ice. Christians are encouraging the professor to talk about ice as much as possible because he will need plenty of it where he’s going.

Even Willard Can be Wrong

Our Kansas town was supposed to have a spring-like temp in the 70s today. The weather people were off a bit and it only reached the 50s. With the whining going on you would think the governor issued a proclamation declaring nobody could have a left arm. Most people fail to recognize the fact that sometimes we get what we pay for. A weather report is free information from the radio, TV, Internet, or lady in the checkout line. Mark Twain said that we shouldn’t complain about the weather. Without it, 9 out of 10 people wouldn’t have anything to talk about.

That's Not Funny

I’m trying to find the humor in hundreds of thousands of illegal aliens (not immigrants) taking to the streets to protest the suggestion that our weak-kneed politicians will enforce the law. Supposedly the law breakers are the backbone of the American workforce. With all these people taking off work, why hasn’t the economy collapsed during the last week?

I’m not opposed to people legally coming to America. Immigration is part of what makes our nation strong. What is aggravating is the pure arrogance of some of those protesting. They demand civil rights and protection under the law. I have no problem recognizing the civil rights of American citizens!

Judging by all of the Mexican flags I’ve seen this week, these people are proud of their country. That’s fantastic. But what if the 8 to 10 million illegal aliens stayed in Mexico and tried to bring about change in their homeland? With the passion and anger they demonstrate in American streets, they could really get something done in Mexico. In reality, though, who could blame those crossing onto U.S. soil? They come here, get paid, don’t pay taxes, and get free healthcare when they want it. Pretty good gig.

But this isn’t a matter of amnesty. It’s a matter of security. And sadly, I think our elected officials won’t realize the seriousness of it all until we are attacked again.

On the Shelf

• To celebrate the 25th anniversary of the "Friday the 13th" horror-flick series, a glossy, hard-cover coffee table book is in bookstores. Apparently the book never ends and keeps appearing in different rooms of your house.
  
• A rock memorabilia dealer is selling tickets that were meant for a series of Led Zeppelin concerts in 1980. The tickets were about to go on sale when drummer John Bonham died and the concert never happened. It's unknown who would buy admission for an event that will never happen, but the dealer has been asked for a trade on Cubs World Series tickets.
  
• The Major League Baseball season begins in a few days, which mathematically eliminates the Royals from the playoffs.

News for the Weekend

• Since his trade from the Indiana Pacers, Ron Artest is helping the Sacramento Kings make a playoff run. He loves playing in the exciting atmosphere of Arco Arena, mainly because the wide rows make it easier to enter the seats.
• Recent studies suggest that some chocolate can be healthy for you. Researchers were unavailable for further comment because it was a school night.
• Business owners in England are trying a new device that emits an uncomfortable noise designed to disperse teenage loiterers outside their stores. The device is called The Greatest Hits of Patsy Cline.

Daytime Gawk

I’ve had some time to watch TV on spring break. Not good. Probably the first time in 15 years I’ve watched daytime television. With apologies to Ben Franklin, add another one to the list of life’s guarantees: somebody will get blindsided on a daytime talk show. It’s interesting though why people go on these programs. What sane person would appear on a show taped in front of a studio audience without knowing why? Imagine the conversation leading to the fiasco:
“Honey, we’re going to New York to be on Maury Povich!”
“Why?”
"Never mind. You’ll find out when we get there."
“Um, okay. Are we going alone or is our pharmacist coming on this vacation too?”
It would be funny but it’s too pathetic. Okay, it's kind of funny.

Cleaning Up

After observing my son the other day it dawned on me that to boys (young and old), anything is a gun. Recently in the process of saving the world my son shot all the bad guys with a vacuum cleaner attachment. What if life was really like that. No guns, just vacuums. They would do a background check when you bought a Dirt Devil. There would be a 3 day waiting period so emotionally-charged citizens couldn't leave the pawn shop and go on a mass cleaning spree. Police on patrol would carry Dust Busters in their holsters. Until things got ugly: “I need backup, now! I'm surrounded by 8...no 10 dust bunnies in here. This ain't pretty! Send in the Hoover!”

Put Me in Coach

After March Madness is over, America will turn its attention to Major League baseball. I’ve often wondered about the coaches and managers. They wear uniforms just like the players. Why? Is there going to be a situation where the team needs an overweight 68 year old center fielder with bad knees? Imagine Bill Parcells standing on the Cowboys sideline in shoulder pads with his helmet under his arm, ready to spring onto the field if the defensive coordinator needs an extra blitzing linebacker. And who wouldn’t like to see Bobby Knight in his Red Raider uniform, complete with shorts hanging to his knees, come off a pick-and-roll to dunk over the opposing team’s center?

I’m not complaining that baseball coaches wear their uniforms. After all, it would be odd to see Bobby Cox and Tony LaRussa exchanging lineup cards before the game wearing polo shirts and khakis. But you can tell baseball coaches are serious because they wear cleats. When the grandfather of seven runs down that line drive in the alley, he doesn’t want to slip and fall. That would make him look silly.

Science and Technology

• Archaeologists have unearthed a 1,000 year old brewery in the mountains of Peru. Among the artifacts were cups, pins, and Ted Kennedy’s driver’s license.
• A new study finds that female guppies experience menopause just like humans and other animals. Which explains why the male guppies sometimes wear sweaters and attempt to turn up the thermostat.
• Next fall, Levi’s is planning to market a slim style of jeans that is compatible with iPods. The special jeans allow wearers to operate an iPod without taking it out of their pocket. Parents are praising the iPod jeans because the slim design is different than current styles that hold a big screen T.V.

Odds and Ends...

* Danish researchers report that pregnant women who drink more than eight cups of coffee per day put the child at risk in many ways. Among them, giving birth to a child with a Don King hairdo.

* Because of budget cuts in school districts nationwide, many students are taking their P.E. classes online. Students keep online journals and must have parents or coaches certify that they complete their workouts. They must also have verification that at least once a day they’ve been slapped in the butt with a wet towel.

* A new research project intending to support a psychological theory to dieting has fallen on hard times. The idea is that if you eat from a smaller than usual plate, your brain will think you’ve eaten more than you actually have. But the project fell through when researchers discovered subjects were just using larger tables.

I Have a Frog in My Throat

A line that has stuck with me since I was a kid comes from the famous philosopher Balki Bartokomous, from the ABC (hit?) show Perfect Strangers. To verbalize his shock, Balki said, “Well paint me green and call me Gumby!” Yah, okay, so you had to see it to appreciate the humor. It’s a dumb line. But think about some other strange phrases in the American lexicon.

“I’d like to be a fly on the wall to hear that conversation.” If you have magical powers that enable you to make yourself into a fly, why not just turn yourself into an invisible person?

“People are in shock after the untimely death of Kirby Puckett.” Um, isn’t everybody’s death untimely? Well, maybe not people on death row. You rarely read about the untimely death of somebody in the electric chair.

“He’s getting a taste of his own medicine.” Who’s medicine has he been tasting before now?

“That’s easy—like shooting fish in a barrel.” Exactly what kind of fish are those? That line most likely was created by the same redneck who said…

“There’s more than one way to skin a cat.” The motto of taxidermists and rottweilers.

“After the funeral he was laid to rest in the cemetery.” My guess is that he was resting before arriving at the cemetery.

“She’s calling it quits.” Her resignation letter simply said, “It’s quits.”

“Let’s get together and we’ll shoot the bull.” What did the bull do to you?

Those are just a few. You’ve probably had it up to here, so that’s all she wrote!

Toys Is Us

The National Toy Hall of Fame in New York recently added its newest member, the cardboard box. It was a moving acceptance speech:

“I’d like to thank those that went before me, the recycled boxes, the packing peanuts, and most of all the tape. Without you, I never could have kept myself together. Over the years I’ve been kicked, pushed, poked, and cut. People have written on me, smashed me, peed on me, slept in me, and stuffed me in the dumpster.”

“I’ve had to pack many times and move, never really knowing if I belonged in the kitchen, the den, or the garage. In the process I’ve lost close friends, such as the championship bowling trophy of 1987. He was a little hard-headed but kept a stiff upper lip when things got tough. I also remember Webster, the paperback dictionary. He always had a way with words. But mostly I miss Victoria, the satin nightshirt. She was so honest that you could see right through her. I don’t know the details, but one Saturday she disappeared because she wouldn’t cover somebody’s butt anymore. "

"All of them helped me when I was in a bind. But those days are in the past. I packed away those sad memories. Today is a celebration! I’m so happy I can hardly contain myself! Let’s blow the lid off of this place!”

A Few Observations...

* The U.S. life expectancy is now at a record high 77.6 years. As a result, the Department of Motor Vehicles is adding more square footage to the waiting area.

* Italian legislators are proposing a 20 percent tax on pornography purchases. U.S. economists estimate that a similar tax in America would pay off the national deficit in about 2 weeks.

* A study at Syracuse University finds that bat species with high intelligence have smaller testicles than less intelligent bats. The results are controversial, as the smart bats now claim that the research room was extremely cold.

* Bob Dylan will host a weekly music show on XM Satellite Radio. He will select music, interview guests, and answer emails during the hour-long show. Guests will prep for appearances on the show by being interviewed by a kazoo.

* The Iranian government has banned all Western music from Iran's radio and TV stations. So Eminem can rest easy.

Rocky Mountain Low

I remember a joke from my Bazooka Joe bubble gum rapper when I was a kid. Okay, it was last week, but it's still relevant. It said, "Joe, you're just like a teacher on summer break...no class."

Keeping with the classless educator theme, enter Jay Bennish, the geography teacher in Aurora, Colorado. Bennish is the guy who ranted about Bush, compared him to Hitler and distorted his State of the Union address. We know about this because one of his students recorded Bennish on his MP3 player. The download is available at http://www.850koa.com/main.html

Now Bennish is suing the Cherry Creek School District because they suspended him with pay while they investigate. It seems they violated his freedom of speech, squelching him from saying what’s on his mind and challenging the students to think. At the end of the recorded tirade he commented that he didn’t know if he had an opinion. What the…who the…Oh man! That’s funny. Even better is that some students staged a walkout in support of their speech-loving teacher. I heard some really knew what the walkout was for, others walked out to protest the cafeteria meatloaf.

I want to get a job in the private sector where I can rant about the liberal bias in public education. My poster boy? Jay Bennish. I’ll look to hire his attorney when I get fired.